My short story blog.

[shortstorywriter]

http://allmyshortstories.blogspot.com/

Any and all criticisms of my short stories is welcome.

[shortstorywriter]

I just wrote another one, found here.

[shortstorywriter]

Here's another.

[YellowisCOOL]

I think your short stories are interesting, I really like the Superheroes one.
It's also great that you're from New Zealand, because I am to.
I like to write stuff too, I'm hoping to be an author and a cartoonist when I'm older. But I think you're doing good so far.

[shortstorywriter]

At 5/6/13 02:23 AM, YellowisCOOL wrote: I think your short stories are interesting, I really like the Superheroes one.
It's also great that you're from New Zealand, because I am to.
I like to write stuff too, I'm hoping to be an author and a cartoonist when I'm older. But I think you're doing good so far.

Thank you. I thought the Superheroes one was pretty good, especially since it was from Superman's perspective.
Sorry, not from New Zealand, I'm from America.
Best of luck to you at that, and thank you.

[shortstorywriter]

Here's another.

[shortstorywriter]

I hope you guys aren't getting annoyed at this, but here's another.

[shortstorywriter]

Here's yet another.

[shortstorywriter]

I've got another.

[CrackerJack30]

At 5/6/13 06:37 PM, shortstorywriter wrote: I hope you guys aren't getting annoyed at this, but here's another.

I can't speak for the community, but I personally don't get annoyed, I like your stories. I just finished to read "One of a Kind", and I like the dark mood of it.
Two minor typos (End of the first paragraph: " [...] had been was burned into my memory." / in the middle of the fifth: "[...] never too upset of angry."), that I just mention so you can see I really read it ;)

The only thing you might wanna change is the start, 'cause you repeat "city" and "most" in the first two sentences:
" I walked through the ashes of the tattered and torn city, with the remains of the decaying skeleton of the city around me. The bomb had leveled most of the city, most of what was left had been burned to the ground, and all of the rest was badly battered and bruised."

For example, you may wanna try this:
"I walked through the ashes of the tattered and torn city, surrounded by the remains, as if I would cross a decaying skeleton. The bomb had leveled most of the urban structures, nearly everything that was left had been burned to the ground, and all of the rest was badly battered and bruised."

Just a thought I want to share with you, 'cause I can see that you have some talent there! I don't wanna discourage you, on the contrary, I just wanna try to help you. :D
Hope to read more form you!

[shortstorywriter]

At 5/8/13 11:45 AM, CrackerJack30 wrote:

At 5/6/13 06:37 PM, shortstorywriter wrote: I hope you guys aren't getting annoyed at this, but here's another.

I can't speak for the community, but I personally don't get annoyed, I like your stories. I just finished to read "One of a Kind", and I like the dark mood of it.
Two minor typos (End of the first paragraph: " [...] had been was burned into my memory." / in the middle of the fifth: "[...] never too upset of angry."), that I just mention so you can see I really read it ;)

The only thing you might wanna change is the start, 'cause you repeat "city" and "most" in the first two sentences:
" I walked through the ashes of the tattered and torn city, with the remains of the decaying skeleton of the city around me. The bomb had leveled most of the city, most of what was left had been burned to the ground, and all of the rest was badly battered and bruised."

For example, you may wanna try this:
"I walked through the ashes of the tattered and torn city, surrounded by the remains, as if I would cross a decaying skeleton. The bomb had leveled most of the urban structures, nearly everything that was left had been burned to the ground, and all of the rest was badly battered and bruised."

Just a thought I want to share with you, 'cause I can see that you have some talent there! I don't wanna discourage you, on the contrary, I just wanna try to help you. :D
Hope to read more form you!

Thank you, that does help. I'll update that story, changing the typos. That is a better way of writing it to be sure. Here's the one I wrote while in school, it's not as dark it's more just for the sake of comparisons. I'm glad you like it!

[shortstorywriter]

Here's my latest, from a wolves perspective, called The Hunt.

[shortstorywriter]

And another, called Silence.

[TonytheGamerDad]

I just read the Superheroes story and it wasn't half bad. You claim it is from the perspective of Superman, but to me at least, it didn't feel like Superman at all. To me it almost felt more like Black Adam or Superboy Prime.

This line...

[quote] I walked down the scum filled street, in this scum filled city of Metropolis.[/quote]

seems a little off. I think it could be better said like this...

[quote]I walked down a scum filled street in Metropolis. Which street? I can't even tell anymore. All the streets seem to be lined with scum now a days. In fact, the whole city is just a giant cesspool.[/quote]

To me most of your story is like your opening line...either too redundant or too lacking. I would love to take a crack at rewriting your story if you were cool with it...

Speaking of stories, could you check my story out and offer some criticism?...http://www.newgrounds.com/bbs/topic/1339609

[shortstorywriter]

At 5/9/13 05:56 PM, TonytheGamerDad wrote: I just read the Superheroes story and it wasn't half bad. You claim it is from the perspective of Superman, but to me at least, it didn't feel like Superman at all. To me it almost felt more like Black Adam or Superboy Prime.

This line...

[quote] I walked down the scum filled street, in this scum filled city of Metropolis.[/quote]

seems a little off. I think it could be better said like this...

[quote]I walked down a scum filled street in Metropolis. Which street? I can't even tell anymore. All the streets seem to be lined with scum now a days. In fact, the whole city is just a giant cesspool.[/quote]

To me most of your story is like your opening line...either too redundant or too lacking. I would love to take a crack at rewriting your story if you were cool with it...

Speaking of stories, could you check my story out and offer some criticism?...http://www.newgrounds.com/bbs/topic/1339609

Can you explain what you mean by lacking? And it was meant to be redundant, in order to push the image that Superman had gone dark. It didn't sound like Superman because it's a dark, angry Superman. Not the normal Superman you see. Also, that story was among my least favorite. So really, I agree with you that it wasn't that great.

Here, I'll critique it paragraph by paragraph.

"The air was cold and crisp as John Imazai began to head out toward the fishing holes. The village elders had warned him not to go out on this day but he was in desperate need of food for his family. So as the remainder of his tribe prepared for the upcoming storm John braved the harsh cold of the Alaskan wilderness to find food for his family. He traveled beyond the outskirts of the village and past the frozen lakes. He continued until he came upon the fishing grounds of his ancestors."

Good starting sentence, sets the scene and beginning purpose. Shows that he's a free spirit who puts family first. I think you could have used more detail in the line "He traveled beyond the outskirts of the village and past the frozen lakes." Something like "He traveled through the huts that made the village, beyond the outskirts, across the icy tundra, and past the frozen lakes that must have had ice ten feet thick." I like the use of "Fishing grounds of his ancestors", because it shows that these fishing grounds have been around for a long time.

"John fished for hours as the winds became harsh and nearly unbearable. John had caught almost twenty fish of great size when he felt he had caught his fill. He couldnÃf¯Ã'¿Ã'½t wait to see his wife and children and show them the bounty of his efforts. He looked forward to showing off his haul to the elders whom had told him that bad fortune would befall him on this trip. So it was with a joyous heart that John set back for his village. The winds were now full of ice and snow making seeing nearly impossible. John knew he had to find shelter and settled on a small cave he spied in the distance."

Good starting sentence, though I would have reworded part of it as "as the winds became harsh and nearly unbearable, chilling him to the bone." I also would have put the second sentence as "John had caught almost twenty fish of great size, almost as big as a child, when he felt he had caught his fill." I really like your use of "He couldn't wait to see his wife and children and show them the bounty of his efforts", since that shows how much he loves them. I also like the third sentence, since it shows that he's a proud man who wants to rub success in the faces of people who said not to try. Overall good, but the last sentence I would put as "John knew he had to find shelter, and as he scanned the horizon he spied a small cave and started out for it." It seems like you need to work on the rule "Show, don't tell" because you seem to fall into the trap of telling people everything and not making them visualize it with detail.

"The interior of the cave was filled with the bones of dead Eskimos, and the walls were drenched in there blood. The cave was also full of claw marks all along the cave walls and floor. After seeing this John knew that he had the unfortunate luck to come upon the lair of the Dracon. It was this beast that devours one from the inside that filled even the hardiest warrior with fear. The legends say that to meet one was to stare at death itself and as such no one alive knew what it looked like. John hurriedly looked about but he saw no creature stirring within sight. Perhaps the Dracon is out hunting, he thought to himself as he prepared to exit the cave. As soon as he stepped outside the wind cut through him like a hot knife through warm butter and he knew he would not survive an hour outside of his cavernous shelter. He decided he would stay inside until the storm broke and then leave before the Dracon returned."

Alright, here's where it gets a bit iffy. The whole thing about bones of dead Eskimos, and walls drenched in blood, that's not a good way of wording it. It would sound better as "The interior of the cave was filled with the bones of Eskimos (Since dead Eskimos and bones is redundant) decorating the floor, and the walls were painted with their blood. The third sentence seems a bit iffy too, it would sound better as "As he saw this, John knew he had the misfortune to have stumbled upon the lair of the ravenous Dracon." Other than that it's not too bad. Not awfully great, but nothing major stuck out.

"How was he to know when the storm would subside or when the Dracon would show up? These are questions he could not answer. So he decided to wait by the cave entrance until the storm broke. He also decided that it was too risky to sleep as it might stop while he was asleep leaving him easy prey for the returning beast. He knew he must be ready within a moments notice so he stood there looking out into the distance waiting for the storm to yield. The minutes soon turned to hours and he began to grow increasingly hungry. He was prepared to build a fire and eat some of his catch when he realized that the storm could break as he ate. He also came to realize that if it didnÃf¯Ã'¿Ã'½t subside as he ate it could afterward and he would be too sluggish from eating to react fast enough to leave before the beast returned. So there he stood waiting for the storm to break. As he stood there he felt the heaviness of his gear and coat increase. Knowing this could slow him down he took it all off until he stood there in only a pair boots, a pair of pants and a shirt. He then continued to stand and wait."

This one is fine. I see no real problems with it.

I'll finish this in another post.

[shortstorywriter]

At 5/9/13 05:56 PM, TonytheGamerDad wrote: I just read the Superheroes story and it wasn't half bad. You claim it is from the perspective of Superman, but to me at least, it didn't feel like Superman at all. To me it almost felt more like Black Adam or Superboy Prime.

This line...

[quote] I walked down the scum filled street, in this scum filled city of Metropolis.[/quote]

seems a little off. I think it could be better said like this...

[quote]I walked down a scum filled street in Metropolis. Which street? I can't even tell anymore. All the streets seem to be lined with scum now a days. In fact, the whole city is just a giant cesspool.[/quote]

To me most of your story is like your opening line...either too redundant or too lacking. I would love to take a crack at rewriting your story if you were cool with it...

Speaking of stories, could you check my story out and offer some criticism?...http://www.newgrounds.com/bbs/topic/1339609

Review part two:

"As time past John grew more and more frantic. His lack of sleep and food weighed upon his mind and he knew he might succumb to either one at any time. He then devised a most ingenious plan. John would dig his way out of the cave. So he began to scratch and scrape at the walls to little success. His only accomplishment was to rip the flesh from his fingers as he left bloody marks on the walls and floor. After many failed attempts he resumed his earlier task of standing and waiting. Hour after hour he stood and waited."

The third sentence would be better as something like "Then, an ingenious plan crept upon him." Other than that it's pretty good.

"After several days the winds stopped swirling snow and ice about. The air became calm and the temperature came up to a cool 30 degrees. The villagers found John dead inside of a cave less than a mile outside of town. His body was withered and dry. The local coroner would rule his death a weather related accident, but the towns people knew the truth. John had become a victim of the Dracon."

This one is fine, but the last sentence seems a little... how can I word this... sensationalized? Cliche? Something along those lines. I would recommend changing it to something a little less "DUN DUN DUUUUUN", if you can get what I mean by that.

Overall a fairly good story though. Not particularly to my tastes, but fairly decent.

[TonytheGamerDad]

At 5/9/13 08:30 PM, shortstorywriter wrote:

At 5/9/13 05:56 PM, TonytheGamerDad wrote: I just read the Superheroes story and it wasn't half bad. You claim it is from the perspective of Superman, but to me at least, it didn't feel like Superman at all. To me it almost felt more like Black Adam or Superboy Prime.

This line...

[quote] I walked down the scum filled street, in this scum filled city of Metropolis.[/quote]

seems a little off. I think it could be better said like this...

[quote]I walked down a scum filled street in Metropolis. Which street? I can't even tell anymore. All the streets seem to be lined with scum now a days. In fact, the whole city is just a giant cesspool.[/quote]

To me most of your story is like your opening line...either too redundant or too lacking. I would love to take a crack at rewriting your story if you were cool with it...

Speaking of stories, could you check my story out and offer some criticism?...http://www.newgrounds.com/bbs/topic/1339609

Can you explain what you mean by lacking? And it was meant to be redundant, in order to push the image that Superman had gone dark. It didn't sound like Superman because it's a dark, angry Superman. Not the normal Superman you see. Also, that story was among my least favorite. So really, I agree with you that it wasn't that great.

I realized it was about Superman going rogue/bad/mad/EVIL! but it still seemed off. I guess it is lacking the back story to why he has gone mad/bad. What set this moment apart from any other. Superman has failed in the past, he has been forced to kill even, so why was this special? As for the redundancy...you're too redundant. Reinterating to show madness can be done, you just have Supes sounding like Mojo Jojo from the Power Puff Girls. Also thanks for the critique....story is over 15 years old...I should update it.

[shortstorywriter]

I realized it was about Superman going rogue/bad/mad/EVIL! but it still seemed off. I guess it is lacking the back story to why he has gone mad/bad. What set this moment apart from any other. Superman has failed in the past, he has been forced to kill even, so why was this special? As for the redundancy...you're too redundant. Reinterating to show madness can be done, you just have Supes sounding like Mojo Jojo from the Power Puff Girls. Also thanks for the critique....story is over 15 years old...I should update it.

Yeah, that makes sense. This was just a "straw that broke the camels back" type thing. And yeah, I see that in this story. But again, it's one of my worst. No problem for the critique.

[shortstorywriter]

Sorry for not updating yesterday, I forgot. Here's the new one.

[JurriaansArt]

Your stories are really good, I'm not a writer so I don't have any improvements. All the stories were very flowing and natural so even people that don't have english as their first language, as do I, can understand it and love it.
Keep it up, you have some great potential!

[shortstorywriter]

At 5/11/13 03:39 PM, JurriaansArt wrote: Your stories are really good, I'm not a writer so I don't have any improvements. All the stories were very flowing and natural so even people that don't have english as their first language, as do I, can understand it and love it.
Keep it up, you have some great potential!

Thank you for your input, and it's good to hear that it's understandable and likable by those without English as a first language. I'm glad that you like it.

[McGu]

Your stories were pretty interesting. I know nothing about writing techniques but I liked "Ants" (Even if the metaphors were a little off in my opinion). I like writing, but I'm really bad at the actual writing process, the stories themselves are good, but I feel like everything else is off, but I digress. I think that you should try writing a slightly longer piece, like maybe two or three pages long, as that could help you expand the story and the characters more and help you as practice.

[ragnkinson]

Nice job. Your stories might be short but they are quite damn good

[shortstorywriter]

At 5/12/13 12:13 PM, ragnkinson wrote: Nice job. Your stories might be short but they are quite damn good

Thank you. I know that they're a little on the short side, even for short stories, and I've been working on it. My latest one, called Shadows, is longer than the other ones at least. It's a prologue to The Only One.

[ragnkinson]

At 5/13/13 02:41 PM, shortstorywriter wrote:

Thank you. I know that they're a little on the short side, even for short stories, and I've been working on it. My latest one, called Shadows, is longer than the other ones at least. It's a prologue to The Only One.

Don't worry. What your stories lack in lenght they have in quality

[shortstorywriter]

At 5/13/13 03:48 PM, ragnkinson wrote:
Don't worry. What your stories lack in lenght they have in quality

Thanks. I'm going to be writing a longer one, I'm actually working on it right now. It's about five guys trapped in a space shuttle who slowly go insane and kill each other.

[ragnkinson]

At 5/13/13 04:12 PM, shortstorywriter wrote:

At 5/13/13 03:48 PM, ragnkinson wrote:
Don't worry. What your stories lack in lenght they have in quality

Thanks. I'm going to be writing a longer one, I'm actually working on it right now. It's about five guys trapped in a space shuttle who slowly go insane and kill each other.

Hahahahahahahahahahaha. I'd love that story.

[shortstorywriter]

At 5/14/13 05:29 AM, ragnkinson wrote:

At 5/13/13 04:12 PM, shortstorywriter wrote: Thanks. I'm going to be writing a longer one, I'm actually working on it right now. It's about five guys trapped in a space shuttle who slowly go insane and kill each other.

Hahahahahahahahahahaha. I'd love that story.

Haha, good. I'll be posting a link here for when it's done, though I will be updating it with other stories as well, so keep checking.

[ragnkinson]

At 5/14/13 06:50 AM, shortstorywriter wrote:
Haha, good. I'll be posting a link here for when it's done, though I will be updating it with other stories as well, so keep checking.

I will be looking forward :-)

[shortstorywriter]

Here's one that's longer, took me three pages in Word to write. Not the one that I'm working on though, I have a block on that one.