Another poem i guess

[Nebula]

Red sun, Black Aurora.

An illusion shattered.
The little girl who thought she lived in peace.
The eye of hell the inferno in the dark.
Swallowed whole this little girl isn't there anymore
A shallow grave for her fears and nightmares.
The fog with the scent of smoke
there is no blue sky anymore
The world ends for many and remains for one.

What do you think? Cause personally i find my poem skills a little rusty for the time being.

[sharpnova]

It's hard for me to judge this. Are you presenting it as a poem?

[hopeless87]

At 4/29/13 02:10 AM, Nebula wrote: Red sun, Black Aurora.

Looks pretty cool!

Starting too many sentences with "The" or "A" makes it seem a little like a list though.

[Nebula]

At 4/29/13 05:29 AM, sharpnova wrote: It's hard for me to judge this. Are you presenting it as a poem?

Yeah. Pretty much. I'm sorry if the way i wrote it didn't make it seem like i did.

[sharpnova]

I would turn some of those pronouns into verbs, connecting subsequent items via relationships of some kind rather than making it seem, as another user said, somewhat like a list.

Try to avoid formulae in any type of writing, though an underlying formula can work when it doesn't make itself too obvious.

[DeftAndEvil]

Poetry is about language and prosody. The employment of language and an understanding of prosody are key for poetry, and distinguish it from prose.

Considering this, the use of language is dull (as in not sharp, not necessarily boring) and simple. There is little art, and the tone is too morose to the point where the entire poem can be dismissed. Everything can use more work--but then again, everything can use more work, so this advice is redundant, I suppose.

Good luck.