Dreamers respite

[McGu]

So I spontaneously wrote a poem a few days ago that turned out decent, but I still feel that there's something wrong with it, and since I have limited experience with poems I thought I'd ask some people who probably know more than me about it. Any idea's what's wrong?

The hopes and worries of the day all seem ever so far away
this fun, forgotten land does seem the land of dreamers; the land of dreams

In this land where the ephemeral lie, where fun and joy run in spry
where sense and order do not matter, we're all as mad as the hatter

In this land where dreams do boast, you'll find peace here at it's most
No-one here is ever mean, whoever would, of war, dream?

Careful though, at a wrong turn, you'll find the land of plague and burn
Your worst dreams all lie in here, the land of nightmare's drawing near

The joy that you'd once hoped to see is now replaced with impish glee
You shout, you scream, you run, you cry, but it's no use, here you die

But that's enough of doom and glum, nothing wrong with a bit of fun
Come, we'll let you explore free, you'll see for yourself, the sights to see

The grand cherry tree, bathed in moonlight, stuck forever in constant twilight
The clear, sparkling, crystal sea, where fish roam forever free

The twisting spires of scarlet fountains, the mighty mass called a mountain
The sparkling caverns with crystal gems, still more sights, it never ends

and if you tire of this land of wonder, or if you're woken by distant thunder
We're still waiting, all despite, we're always waiting in dreamers respite

[hopeless87]

At 4/21/13 08:41 AM, McGu wrote: So I spontaneously wrote a poem a few days ago that turned out decent, but I still feel that there's something wrong with it, and since I have limited experience with poems I thought I'd ask some people who probably know more than me about it. Any idea's what's wrong?

Spontaneous poems are the best! I like that you've conjured a place with things, events and people. It seems like it would make a great series!

As for constructive feedback, I think the problem is that there are too many things, events and people to fit into one poem. For example, you wrote about a cherry tree but what is the relevance of it? If everyone's "as mad as the hatter" then how do they act? (Sidenote, if everyone's crazy then no one's acting weird per se)

This did a great job of sparking my interest! I would love to read more about this place. If I read more then I'd want to read about taking part in this world, not just feeling alien to it.

[McGu]

If you really want to read more then I could give you creative rights to it so you could continue it. It doesn't matter much to me anyway, since I can come up with these kinds of settings pretty fast.

I really couldn't add much more detail and keep it as poetry anyway, I suck at describing stuff like lore and cultures.