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I would like to make this thread for aspiring joke writers, and stand up comedians. I want people to showcase anything from one-liners to full out sets of material. Practice your jokes here.
The rules are you can't just copy and paste, or otherwise steal other people's jokes. You have to write the jokes yourself.
That's the only rules, so I'll get it started with some stupid shit I wrote.
I just realized that the most turbulent moments in your life could have gone totally different if you had an Eddie Murphy poster. I just lost my job, but hey. I got that funny Dr. Doolittle 2 poster. Things can't be all bad. Look, he's talking to a squirrel.
Or your wife is like, "I want a divorce!" But honey, we have an Eddie Murphy poster together. "I'm taking the kids!" So... I can keep the poster?
What sucks is that I did have a Dr. Doolittle 2 poster, which is why I wrote this joke. But I destroyed it. I got drunk and tried to feed it chicken and watermelon.
And I was feeding the squirrel, not Eddie Murphy. So fuck you, because you don't even know why you were being offended.
Rubber Chicken jokes.
What's so funny about rubber chickens? I destroyed my oven, the whole house filled with smoke, and I burned my mouth on ridiculously hot liquid plastic. I had to be hospitalized. That's not funny. Assholes.
I think rubber chickens would only be funny if they had a real dead chicken in the rubber.
What's the deal with rubber chickens? Is the cow not to be considered humorous in rubber form? Are sheep not getting the laughs? What I think probably happened, (and this is stupid, because I could just look it up on the internet) is that one day, a clown had a nervous breakdown on stage and strangled a chicken. But since it was the circus, and the owners didn't want to be sued, they had to just go with it, lie about it not being a real chicken, and then inventing the rubber chicken and mass produced them just to say, SEE! What did I tell you? It WAS a rubber chicken. Look at how many of them exist. You have to believe me now. Meanwhile, the clown that had the nervous breakdown and killed the real chicken is just silently jacking off in the canon. You know, the human canon ball guy? I could have ended this joke sooner, but I wanted to hurt my social life.
I'm not funny so I'll just recall a funny story from my life.
In 9th grade I was a sociopath. I was at a new school and I just left one where I was bullied for shit that's not funny or interesting in the slightest. It was a really ghetto school where if you didn't play sports, you were an aspiring musician. I am neither. It also has a high population of loud ugly black women, also known as the bane of my existence. Anyway, there was this really fat black chick in my school. Her name was something impossible to pronounce, so let's just call her BabyShaq to save time. My highschool has very narrow hallways, barely wide enough for three people to pass through, and BabyShaq was fatter than four people. Anyway, one day BabyShaq was clogging up the main hallway by hugging her "Boo". I'm rushing to math class because we had a test and the teacher doesn't let tardy students in. I squeeze between BabyShaq and her Boo and she chases me into my math class and pushes me. I turn to her and she has her arms thrown back and she's shouting typical ghetto black women slurs. I call her a fat pig and tell her to go to her own class. She almost attacks me but the teacher saved the day. Once class was over, the teacher opened the door and BabyShaq came running in. She punched me in the jaw and chased me into a corner. I notice a desk-chair on the floor and I try to pick it up to use as a shield. Instead, I break a leg off and swing it at her like a bat. Later in the year I pissed off the school slut. I was in art class doing a group project with two girls and a guy. One girl was bragging to the slut about some hot guy she had a one night stand with at a party. Being a naive young male, I asked her why she'd want to risk getting STDs. The slut told me to "shut my ass up" which brings me to believe I struck a nerve with that comment. We exchanged insults and the guy would just shout "OOOH! BURN! TORCHED!" which made me angrier than the slutty girl's insults. One thing lead to another and suddenly we're swordfighting with rulers. The teacher tells me to get out and I punch some kid as I leave. I didn't even know the kid's name, I just socked him in the face. But after those two fights nobody fucked with me.
In 10th grade there was this girl with a bunch of X's in her name. Let's call her Xena. Anyways, our school added a reading period and Xena would always flap her gums during that time. After six weeks of "pookie" this and "my man Shaniqua" that, I got fed up with it and told her to shut up. She called me a bleater. I called her a necrophiliac and the entire class exploded into laughter. For the rest of the day everyone was telling me how hilarious that was, and all I could think to myself was "what the hell is a bleater?"
I still don't know what that is.
I wrote this joke while on the way to work:
Q: How do you know when someone has a gluten intolerance?
A: They'll tell you.
What did the artichokes name their kid?
What did the cats name their kid?
What did the dogs name their kid?
What did the lettuce name their kid?
THANK YOU! THANK YOU! I'LL BE HERE ALL WEEK! Or at least until the angry mob finds me...
I'd like to join this thread as a stand up comedian, but since I'm writng this in bed on a laptop, I'd be a sitting down comedian instead.
"I await the sweet release of Death. And I plan to take my enemies with me."---Unknown source.
"You're a bit of a ghoul - aren't you?"---ZeroAsALimit.
You know what offends me? People who are offended by bad language. No, really.
No seriously, I fucking hate this.
People who have to go out of their way to point out that you said a bad word.
People who have nothing better to do than attempt to police the sounds coming out of my mouth.
As if they need to validate their existence by identifying me as the one who uttered that particular fuck.
I'm minding my own business, and I drop that F bomb. No real reason, not even directed at anyone, but then someone within earshot does this.
Completely true and accurate representation.
So this guy turns and looks at me with a gaze that could shatter stone, and tells me to watch my language. And you know what? That offends me, more than my one syllable offended him.
WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE TELLING ME HOW I SHOULD AND SHOULD NOT SPEAK!?
Do you even know me? What are you trying to accomplish here? I'm not learning anything by you pissing me off. All you're doing is wasting your time and risking a fight with a total stranger. Leave me alone and carry on with your own damn business, you fucking prick.
Because this is America, where we believe in self-entitlement and saying whatever the fuck we want, especially if it has the word fuck in it!
Cool responses everyone.
So, the other day I was having sex. My girlfriend's twat was really dry. Plus she's an abusive drunkard. So, there I was. I had to lube up my shaft because her twat was ridiculously dry. I didn't have any kind of traditional sexual lubricants, so I used Rogaine, and now my penis has a mustache.
It didn't start off as a mustache either. I woke up the next morning to a full head of hair, so to speak. I proceeded to freak out. I realized it would have to come off somehow, and I had to shave it. So I did.
I know what you're thinking. I just said I still have a mustache on my Johnson.
Well, as it turns out, and I'm as shocked as you are about this, I like the look.
My pecker looks like a suave and snooty Frenchman.
I gave him a French mustache because I am part French.
All it needs now is like, this awesome trench coat blowing in the wind behind my balls. I'll stick a cigarette in the penis hole like it's a mouth smoking. Draw little eyes, and nose.
Then, I'm going to make a movie. Not a porn though. Just like, with my dick as the lead role, and everything else can be puppets and stuff that I make. I'd build penis sized movie sets and just roll the camera. Then I could have my dick get in fights with the puppets. Make it an Action flick. My penis would have to at one point in the movie cross a field filled with mousetraps. And it would have to be filmed outside for the field scene, so it would just be me walking hunched down over a video camera naked as my neighbors looked on in horror.
I certainly would not make a Horror movie though. Fuck that shit. Even fake blood on my dick is no laughing matter.
Maybe I could make it a Drama. In one scene I'll take a piss so it looks like I'm vomiting, because my character has cancer.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I love my girlfriend.
And by the way, she woke up the next morning after the Rogaine incident with not so happy results. Her pussy looks like the bearded lady in a freak show, and she was pregnant. 9 months from now we are to be expecting one hairy little girl or boy.
Imagine if you could actually give birth to hairy gorilla humans by mixing semen with Rogaine? Isn't this story fucking ridiculous?
These are some jokes that I wrote as if I were a person living in the future. Here it is. I'm a stand-up comedian who lives in the future.
I was flying to work today, and my piece of shit jet pack stopped working. Ford, go figure. So, of course, I'm running late for work. And as we all know, this is the future, so the bomb they inserted in my brain was about to explode if I wasn't on time. It does that little wake up chime too in the morning. I fucking hate that. Don't you? It's like, okay slaves, get to it. We get it already! You're aliens. Stop being so hard on us all the time. You know, ancient societies used to drink caffeine out of these weird things called mugs.
So anyway, I started to fall out of the sky. My jet pack is on fire. My parachute deploys, and I drift a good 16 miles away. For a second time this month, I nearly blew up my head. I'm so sick of this Marlark alien too. He works with me and always picks at his shnovels and chortcrates too. It's like if I were to just whack off in public. Aliens are so gross. But go ahead and try to say anything to one. It just shoots you with it's ray gun, and you end up in the second dimension.