The Lightbringers Preview

[MontyPythonLolwut]

Hello, Newgrounds writing board!

Right now I have a tiny bit of a problem: See, I've been thinking of writing a story (well, have been writing a story). I shared it with a few close friends and all of them have said they loved it -- the only problem with that is, well, they're close friends. I need a group of people to read my story who I have a completely neutral relationship with who isn't afraid to say "This sucks." I'm looking for any sort of constructive criticism - basically how it looks now and how I could improve the story/writing.

Now its only one chapter right now because to be honest I haven't written much (only 5 chapters) but if people want more I will be sure to provide. The story is basically a normal noir/mystery with a horror twist, based off of some creepypasta I've read.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1bmr75mQp87q8mX3F2QeoL5B2 BYiM9smI1jcRTfYGez8

Now I know docs version isn't favored around here, it's just that I don't really want to screw up the format already as much as it has been screwed up and I think in my honest opinion its just better that way. Enjoy!

[Kofra]

It wasn't enough to understand your style, but I noticed you're very cautious in your words. I liked, but if you give me one more chapter, my opinion will be more concrete.

[MontyPythonLolwut]

At 3/30/13 07:46 PM, Kofra wrote: It wasn't enough to understand your style, but I noticed you're very cautious in your words. I liked, but if you give me one more chapter, my opinion will be more concrete.

Added one more chapter.

[MontyPythonLolwut]

Holy cow, a week and still on the front page? Not very many people go here, do they?

[tinytim12]

At 4/6/13 06:10 PM, MontyPythonLolwut wrote: Holy cow, a week and still on the front page? Not very many people go here, do they?

Nope.

As for your story, it was....okay. You do use lots of cliched expressions like "loomed ominously" and whatnot, but that probably only comes from lack of experience rather than any sort of creative shortage. The style and narration is rather dry and concise, which may be either a good or bad thing depending on where you're going with the story.

Otherwise, it was just....meh. It was exactly this dry style of writing that made everything seem like a monotonous police procedural. I got the sense that I was supposed to be a little bit creeped out by the wounds and the monster girl, but they were described so blandly and to-the-point that there was no real horror involved. Again, that being said, it really depends on what you're trying to achieve. 6/10.

Btw, I think this is a typo:

:"Sir, they sound something a bit south of here, down the creek. A tunnel."

[MontyPythonLolwut]

At 4/7/13 03:46 AM, tinytim12 wrote:

At 4/6/13 06:10 PM, MontyPythonLolwut wrote: Holy cow, a week and still on the front page? Not very many people go here, do they?

Nope.

As for your story, it was....okay. You do use lots of cliched expressions like "loomed ominously" and whatnot, but that probably only comes from lack of experience rather than any sort of creative shortage. The style and narration is rather dry and concise, which may be either a good or bad thing depending on where you're going with the story.

Otherwise, it was just....meh. It was exactly this dry style of writing that made everything seem like a monotonous police procedural. I got the sense that I was supposed to be a little bit creeped out by the wounds and the monster girl, but they were described so blandly and to-the-point that there was no real horror involved. Again, that being said, it really depends on what you're trying to achieve. 6/10.

Btw, I think this is a typo:

"Sir, they sound something a bit south of here, down the creek. A tunnel."

Thank you for reading. This is an issue I myself have been noticing actually -- I believe the story sometimes goes so fast and yet is so to-the-point that it just gets dull. In response, this has been something I have been trying to fix in later chapters. As for the wounds and the girl, its simply what you make of it. As the author those two events were less meant as scares and more meant as something that would set up the story later on.

To be honest, the dialogue is the main fixture in my style. The narration's main purpose is mostly to set up the scene and keep things flowing. I'm a fairly visual guy, so as I'm writing I'm imagining it more as a movie than a book. I'm not sure if this is exactly harmful or helpful when it comes to writing, but it wouldn't be too hard to make amends, speaking that it is only the first two chapters. Also, thanks for pointing out the typo.

[tinytim12]

Thank you for reading. This is an issue I myself have been noticing actually -- I believe the story sometimes goes so fast and yet is so to-the-point that it just gets dull. In response, this has been something I have been trying to fix in later chapters. As for the wounds and the girl, its simply what you make of it. As the author those two events were less meant as scares and more meant as something that would set up the story later on.

To be honest, the dialogue is the main fixture in my style. The narration's main purpose is mostly to set up the scene and keep things flowing. I'm a fairly visual guy, so as I'm writing I'm imagining it more as a movie than a book. I'm not sure if this is exactly harmful or helpful when it comes to writing, but it wouldn't be too hard to make amends, speaking that it is only the first two chapters. Also, thanks for pointing out the typo.

Imagining a movie as a book, in my opinion, is going to lead you on a rocky road. Movies and Books are different - while movies show you directly what is onscreen (and therefore exemplifying Show don't Tell to the absolute max), books don't have that luxury. The setting, the action, the atmosphere, is only limited to only one single device, and that is words. You have to take advantage of that the best way you can.

It's all fine and good if you spam dialogue here and there, but without narration, without imagery, without description, it's just going to be disembodied voices in a spaceless plane of nothingness. You need to implement setting, mood, and action to make your world bloom, and flowery description isn't the only way to do it. There are many ways to set a scene using words - assonance, rhythm, syntax, personas, all sorts of tools similar to a movie's special effects and soundtrack.

But maybe I'm getting ahead of myself. TL;DR you'll be probably be needing more than dialogue.

[MontyPythonLolwut]

At 4/14/13 03:16 AM, tinytim12 wrote: It's all fine and good if you spam dialogue here and there, but without narration, without imagery, without description, it's just going to be disembodied voices in a spaceless plane of nothingness. You need to implement setting, mood, and action to make your world bloom, and flowery description isn't the only way to do it. There are many ways to set a scene using words - assonance, rhythm, syntax, personas, all sorts of tools similar to a movie's special effects and soundtrack.

Thanks for the advice. I'll definitely start adding more description in the future, as well as touching up on previous chapters.