CreepyPasta: Jellied Babies

[SamuelEarl666]

So the other day i decided to write my first creepypasta and i thought the people at newgrounds might want to look at it so here it is:
Creepypasta
Jellied Babies by Sam Earl

Over 2 years ago, i was walking home from my my friends house after a fun day and decided that i would get myself a packet of sweets with the change i had in my pocket. Entering the store i browsed the Sweets section, i liked to buy something different whenever i went. I had decided i would buy a packet of jelly babies. Not only do they taste nice but its fun to twist their heads off. Anyway, that day was not like all the other days, while walking past the hospital i could hear loud screaming from inside from what sounded like a very distraught Women. I ignored it and carried on walking home, munching on my sweets, but then suddenly the screams and cries got louder. It was definitely more than one person now, i had to see what it was about, What could make people scream like that?

Entering the hospital it all looked normal on the ground floor. The person at the front desk called me over and asked me if i was there for a appointment. I simply told her that i was there to see what the screaming was about. She then asked if i could go and check since she could not leave the desk because of her work. Before i walked off the desk woman noticed my bag of sweets and asked if she could have one so ,since i was a nice person, i let her have one. I stood by the stairs so i could listen for the floor the screaming was coming from, it was coming from the floor with the nursery in it. I wish i had not went there.

Once i walked in the doors what i saw was horrifying. The Babies had been crushed and were almost unrecognizable as babies other than the fact they were still in the cribs. Women, probably the mothers, were holding the lumps of meat that were once their children. How could anyone even think of doing something like this, i thought to myself. Looking all around me it was the same in all directions except for one crib with a slightly older baby staring innocently towards the ceiling, it looked like it wanted to cry. I reached in my pocket and grab the packet of jelly babies, i still had one left, Are babies allowed sweets i thought as i gave it the sweet. It only held the Jelly baby in its hands for a few seconds before it threw to the ground and started crying. I had no idea why until to massive bruises appeared on both of its arms out of thin air, the kind only possible through serious abuse. I looked at the jelly baby and noticed something almost insane, the baby and the jelly baby had the same injuries. I just could not believe it, how could killing jelly babies actually KILL real babies. I did not have long to think and before long the Police Stormed the Hospital looking for the Child Killer. The unfortunate police that were sent to search the Nursery floor were just like the others, just with false courage plastered on their faces like bad makeup. Once they entered the Nursery their eyes searched erratically searching for some hope in the room. Noticing the one living baby an officer walked towards it to check if it was ok when i noticed he was slowly walking towards where the jelly baby was lying on the floor. I wanted to scream Stop but i was sure he would believe what i would say. I wish i did, the officer walked closer and closer and ultimately stood on the jelly baby crushing it under his foot. Suddenly, in front of everybody's eyes, the one living baby exploded spreading blood and guts all over the room. It was way too much for me to handle and i ran out of the hospital as fast as i could trying to forget what i had seen but unfortunately i couldnt.

A few days later i turned on the Tv to watch a program i like. Instead there was an Emergency News forecast, it was about The Mass Child Murder and the many suicides connected to the incident that took place afterwards. Only a few people other than me stayed sane enough not to kill themselves but that did not mean that i was fine. To this day i am still going to a psychiatrist because of it. I hope the nightmares will go away soon...

[TheInnerScience]

I have listened to some of creepypasta, and I think you did pretty good. You have such good idea for this story, but it seems either a little rushed or just not descriptive enough for me. I guess Im just a sadist, I like my horror stories with very vivid details lol. But a good story, good style. Creating more paragraphs can really help with the flow of reading. You should never go more than eight sentences, or however many you need to describe a point, etc. Good luck, and keep writing!

[SamuelEarl666]

At 3/28/13 11:33 PM, TheInnerScience wrote: I have listened to some of creepypasta, and I think you did pretty good. You have such good idea for this story, but it seems either a little rushed or just not descriptive enough for me. I guess Im just a sadist, I like my horror stories with very vivid details lol. But a good story, good style. Creating more paragraphs can really help with the flow of reading. You should never go more than eight sentences, or however many you need to describe a point, etc. Good luck, and keep writing!

Thank you for the small review. Since this is my first creepypasta i will probably rework it at some point so i will keep what you said in mind.

[Kofra]

As a CreepyPasta (in my opinion, of course) it was not good. In my conception, a CreepyPasta needs to be plausible. Buuuut, as a short story, it was really good. The only thing I don't like is how fast everything happens. It needs more suspense... (7/10)

[SamuelEarl666]

At 3/30/13 07:26 PM, Kofra wrote: As a CreepyPasta (in my opinion, of course) it was not good. In my conception, a CreepyPasta needs to be plausible. Buuuut, as a short story, it was really good. The only thing I don't like is how fast everything happens. It needs more suspense... (7/10)

I do agree with you that my story definitely needs more suspense and how it can seem a bit rushed. I will be rewriting it at some point though so i'll keep what you said in mind.

[Adea]

This is a little late, but I have some critique for your work. First of all, the idea is wonderful and you can do a lot with that concept. I agree with that it does need to be re-written to not be as rushed, but I have a few thoughts about the plot that might make it a stronger story.

First, having him curiously go into a hospital with screaming is too quick and convenient. Hospitals are big and he probably wouldn't hear the screaming from the street. Having him a father whose wife had just given birth would make the story that much more personal and frightening. (The character could buy the candy from a vending machine.) That could even add more drama to the eating jelly babies, as he could have a conversation with a family member or his wife about the biting heads off candy babies when his wife just gave birth, but how no one gave it any real thought. (And have a whole freaky subtext about the disconnect between biting the heads off fake babies and not wanting to hurt real ones.)

And giving the candy to the baby. Newborns don't eat candy and wouldn't be able to do any damage to a gummy candy. (And he wouldn't have been able to wander into a hospital nursery, but if he's the father of a child, it would be different.) I think him screaming in horror at all the mutilated babies, with one baby left, his own, as he grabs it up and retreats to corner at the horrific site before him would be awesome. Then he could unconsciously take a small bite into the last jelly baby with his incisors and see the wound appear on his kid. Then he could leap up and toss the candy away from him. (So that it's there for the police to smash.:) )

The last thing is the officers. He probably wouldn't say nothing about the jelly baby. If a bunch of mutilated children were all around and you just found out that the candy you were eating caused it, you'd scream and try to stop people from trampling it. And it would make it more dramatic if he did try and stop it. The police might even think he was the murderer, since he's holding a crying child and grab the child as more came rushing in. Then you can have him scream how it's the candy and to watch out as he struggles to get free and over to the officer about to smash the candy. Of course, he'd fail and everyone would see the baby explode.

Sorry for so many ideas and posting so late. Your story and premise was just so interesting that I had to think up cool plot points for it. :)