Sub Tyrannus

[omnicrown]

This is the first section of my novel, Sub Tyrannus. There is more that I have written, but this is all I will post for the time being. If you enjoy it then let me know in a comment. Feel free to point out any imperfections as well. This is my first project.

"This technology has spread around our great city. We have no reason to stop technological advancement at the risk of some human life. This technology could save thousands-"Are you watching that again?" Said the calm voice of my Television." Yes, and I think its good to use some replicas of old technology once in a while." I retorted. "Not the technology, the signal you are watching." She replied. "The configuration of his speech and his tone have increased your heart rate. He is angering you. Our leader wouldn't say such things to anger anyone. He is just and kind. His justifications of the loss of human life are minor in comparison to the technological advancements this city has made. You should watch something else. I have a list picked out for you."
I listened to her scripted response without so much as glancing at her console on my desk. Of course she would say that. All personality constructs were built specifically to convert everyone to our leaders ideology. Every time I heard one of his speeches on technology and its benefits, his words angered me, setting off her monotonic droning about his kindness. "So be it." I said, and clicked off the Television. "I'm going out for awhile. Don't accompany me."Remember Rule Number 56. A curfew is currently enacted. Anyone outside between the times of- "I know. Shut up." I fumed.
"Please be careful." She called to me as I left. I walked through the narrow rust filled corridors and avoided the hot jets of steam from pipes, or the occasional rat. It would take me a while to reach the main city from where I walked now. I lived on top of the machinery that stabilizes temperature for the entire city. I've even considered tampering with the equipment. It would be nearly impossible to accomplish, though. The crime for vandalism is imprisonment or death. As I finished my ascent through the maze of dark corridors leading to the National Data Feed, a series of computer server rooms, I slipped in through one of the many the maintenance hallways and walked into the Public Transport Lobby. The Lobby was full of well dressed people and their personality constructs walking along side them. I followed the crowd towards the nearest elevators.
Screens paneling the walls blared information that could not be heard over the din of the people and their constructs. I reached the elevator. "Executive Level, please." I said. "Voice Authorization and Validation required. Please state your occupation." The elevator replied. "Maintenance." I said. "Please clarify position." It said back. "Atmospheric control." I stated calmly. "Cross referencing database... Please stand by." It said.
"State Voice Authorization Code please. Speak loudly and clearly. Any attempt that is unsuccessful will lock this terminal for five minutes." I paused, considering whether I should enter the Executive floors and see what our government considers "technological advancement". "He who has learned how to obey will know how to command." I said loudly and clearly, as the elevator commanded. "Voice authorization correct. Executive floor. Going up." The elevator chimed. The doors slid open soundlessly and I stepped inside.

[TheInnerScience]

Intriguing and a pretty good teaser. Since there was no paragraph structure, it was a little had to read. Even starting each piece of dialog on a new line would have created a better flow to it. Good luck on your novel, and hope to see more.

[omnicrown]

At 3/28/13 04:02 PM, TheInnerScience wrote: Intriguing and a pretty good teaser. Since there was no paragraph structure, it was a little had to read. Even starting each piece of dialog on a new line would have created a better flow to it. Good luck on your novel, and hope to see more.

Thank you for commenting! I did have a predefined paragraph structure, I just indented incorrectly. I'll be sure to correct that in the future.

[Keke124]

At 3/29/13 02:03 AM, omnicrown wrote:

At 3/28/13 04:02 PM, TheInnerScience wrote: Intriguing and a pretty good teaser. Since there was no paragraph structure, it was a little had to read. Even starting each piece of dialog on a new line would have created a better flow to it. Good luck on your novel, and hope to see more.

Thank you for commenting! I did have a predefined paragraph structure, I just indented incorrectly. I'll be sure to correct that in the future.

very interesting, definately kept me intrigued throughout the whole story. can't wait to see more. keep up the good work ;)