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At 5/18/14 10:11 AM, freaksy101 wrote: I wish my laptop screen would stop flickering.

Granted, it just turns off completely.

I wish I was unbannable.

At 5/18/14 01:23 PM, NewgroundsMike wrote:
I wish I was unbannable.

Granted, a glitch in the system makes it so that any attempts to ban you from online forums is met with an error message. If you start abusing this new ability, mods will actually just delete your account.

You discover, on accident, that this wish has also made it impossible for you to be banned from public places like restaurants, businesses, and city functions. This corrodes your mind, and suddenly you become somebody who has a habit of overstaying their welcome. You're hated and known for being slippery.

I wish that knowledge of entire professions that take many years to study and master could be transferred instantly from one person to the next at will with no effort.

At 5/19/14 02:32 PM, Phobotech wrote: I wish that knowledge of entire professions that take many years to study and master could be transferred instantly from one person to the next at will with no effort.

Granted. Decoded Neuralfeedback transfers using fMRI feedback loops achieve this seeming implausible result in late 2011. As the technology matures, the ability to transmit thoughts between brains and imprint new skills into skulls grows accurate and robust.

However, society and governments never fully utilize the systems. Teaching is seen as a sacred tradition at the very core of humanity, and traditional learning as the very foundation of our society. The masses are scared of "mind control" and "playing God" with technology. Church organizations, youth groups, and the ignorant masses lash out against neuroscience in a coordinated revolt and destroy most of the existing research, purging it from the world. These Disco-Luddites take over every legislative, executive, judicial, military, and religious leadership worldwide. Governments outlaw the practice, and any researchers attempting to argue for the use of DecNef for the good of humanity are met with hostility—as it's a direct affront to the sacred institution of Disco-Luddism. Any serious attempts to build fMRI machines combined with advanced processors result in arrests and execution by the clergy of the international Disco-Luddite movement.

I wish I had two dicks.

At 5/19/14 03:39 PM, 24901miles wrote:

I wish I had two dicks.

Granted your new one is in your mouth

I wish i had a life .

At 5/20/14 07:30 PM, Inplosion wrote: I wish i had a life .

Granted you now have a life... in that sense that you're barely sentient. But it's still counted as a "life".

I wish young Michelle Pfeiffer was my girlfriend and that she is totally fateful to me and that she loves me for reelz.

At 5/20/14 07:33 PM, Mismo wrote:
I wish young Michelle Pfeiffer was my girlfriend and that she is totally fateful to me and that she loves me for reelz.

Granted. The year is 1982...you don't exist yet, but she is, unwittingly, your girlfriend. She is totally in control of your fate, holding a tiny, writhing newborn in her hands. (for the sake of the wish, we at least gave you a physical form for her to appreciate you with)...however, not properly caring for the medical needs that this time-recessed infant version of you requires, she is FATEFUL by allowing you to die in her hands. You reel in pain in your final moments...she loves you specifically for your adorable, helpless reeling. For reelz.

I wish I knew the layout and construction of every machine ever made, how they work, WHY they work, how to get them to work with fluent confidence without losing anything from my current mental state, memory, or traits.

At 5/20/14 10:07 PM, Phobotech wrote:

I wish I knew the layout and construction of every machine ever made, how they work, WHY they work, how to get them to work with fluent confidence without losing anything from my current mental state, memory, or traits.

Granted. Your rants about the working of pistons does not go over well on dates.

I wish for the ability to sharpen a knife to one molecule cheaply and efficiently.

At 5/20/14 10:28 PM, stafffighter wrote: I wish for the ability to sharpen a knife to one molecule cheaply and efficiently.

Granted, but your new skill attracts the attention of Al-Qaeda who kidnap you and force you at gunpoint to sharpen their beheading implements until you die in an American drone strike.

I wish there was yellow mustard at every barbecue instead of this spicy brown bullshit.

At 5/20/14 10:41 PM, Me-Patch wrote: I wish there was yellow mustard at every barbecue instead of this spicy brown bullshit.

Are you fucking serious? I refuse to corrupt this wish, it's bad enough as is. You get your disgusting tumeric food dye mixed with pulverized mustard seeds and miss out on the wide variety of mustard recipes.

I wish that simultaneously, at midnight EST on this coming Sunday: every Republican in government suddenly has an epiphany and the entirety of their worldview and ideas on governance immediately shift to be identical to those of Sen. Elizabeth Warren.

At 5/20/14 10:28 PM, stafffighter wrote:
Granted. Your rants about the working of pistons does not go over well on dates.

This shit made me laugh so hard.

At 5/20/14 10:49 PM, 24901miles wrote:

At 5/20/14 10:41 PM, Me-Patch wrote: I wish there was yellow mustard at every barbecue instead of this spicy brown bullshit.

Are you fucking serious? I refuse to corrupt this wish, it's bad enough as is. You get your disgusting tumeric food dye mixed with pulverized mustard seeds and miss out on the wide variety of mustard recipes.

This one was hilarious too!

At 5/20/14 10:58 PM, 24901miles wrote: I wish that simultaneously, at midnight EST on this coming Sunday: every Republican in government suddenly has an epiphany and the entirety of their worldview and ideas on governance immediately shift to be identical to those of Sen. Elizabeth Warren.

Granted, but its a trade; Senator Elizabeth Warren becomes an insane Conservative Extremist Supervillain with the influence and resources of all collective Republicans....the horror....the HORROR!

I wish Wriggle stumbled upon 3.5 Billion dollars.

At 5/20/14 11:51 PM, Phobotech wrote: I wish Wriggle stumbled upon 3.5 Billion dollars.

Granted. Congrats, you've just given Wriggle a shit load of money. As if the world wasn't bad enough already.

I wish for Wriggle to die.

At 5/21/14 05:43 AM, NewgroundsMike wrote:
Granted. Congrats, you've just given Wriggle a shit load of money. As if the world wasn't bad enough already.

I wish for Wriggle to die.

Granted. He dies in the first battle in the largest armed resistance against the federal government this country has seen since the Civil War. He, and his platoon become martyrs, heroes to a larger swarm of revolutionaries that begin a bloody upheaval against the current administration that divides the nation into multiple factions. The war lasts for six years, changing the world forever.

I wish Ronnie James Dio returned from the dead as a Lich of Rock, usurping a nation of Metal stripping the corrupt and rich of their power, where demons and hellfire blast music across all winds of the world, ushering in an era of LIFE through Rock and Roll, Metal, and the worship of their legends, alive and dead.

At 5/21/14 06:07 AM, Phobotech wrote: I wish Ronnie James Dio returned from the dead as a Lich of Rock, usurping a nation of Metal stripping the corrupt and rich of their power, where demons and hellfire blast music across all winds of the world, ushering in an era of LIFE through Rock and Roll, Metal, and the worship of their legends, alive and dead.

Granted, but he's a zombie now.

I wish I didn't have to corrupt such an awesome wish.

At 5/21/14 06:31 AM, NewgroundsMike wrote:

At 5/21/14 06:07 AM, Phobotech wrote: I wish Ronnie James Dio returned from the dead as a Lich of Rock, usurping a nation of Metal stripping the corrupt and rich of their power, where demons and hellfire blast music across all winds of the world, ushering in an era of LIFE through Rock and Roll, Metal, and the worship of their legends, alive and dead.

Granted, but he's a zombie now.

I wish I didn't have to corrupt such an awesome wish.

Granted, we're going to redo it because there's a distinct difference between a zombie and a Lich. Uhhh, the corruption is a waste of a post, I guess.

I wish (that wish I did above)

At 5/21/14 06:44 AM, Phobotech wrote:

At 5/21/14 06:07 AM, Phobotech wrote: I wish Ronnie James Dio returned from the dead as a Lich of Rock, usurping a nation of Metal stripping the corrupt and rich of their power, where demons and hellfire blast music across all winds of the world, ushering in an era of LIFE through Rock and Roll, Metal, and the worship of their legends, alive and dead.

I wish (that wish I did above)

Granted, but Black Sabbath would still rather tour with Ozzy because he doesn't sound like a castrated rooster.

I wish Kurt Cobain was still alive.

At 5/21/14 06:52 AM, Me-Patch wrote:
I wish Kurt Cobain was still alive.

Granted, but he looks at the current music industry, mumbles something unintelligible, takes a bump of coke, and never leaves Arin Hanson's couch, outstaying his welcome as a Guest Grump, and now thats all he does. He just plays Lets Plays with Danny Sexbang and Egoraptor.

I wish we could all see the dead, from generations upon generations past, and learn from their lives.

At 5/21/14 07:00 AM, Phobotech wrote:

At 5/21/14 06:52 AM, Me-Patch wrote:
I wish Kurt Cobain was still alive.

Granted, but he looks at the current music industry, mumbles something unintelligible, takes a bump of coke, and never leaves Arin Hanson's couch, outstaying his welcome as a Guest Grump, and now thats all he does. He just plays Lets Plays with Danny Sexbang and Egoraptor.

I wish we could all see the dead, from generations upon generations past, and learn from their lives.

Granted.We can now see them and hear their screams.But their ghosts only repeat their final moments being alive.
I wish we could "live" mentally in the Internet 'world' using special devices.

At 5/21/14 02:03 PM, kletos wrote:

I wish we could all see the dead, from generations upon generations past, and learn from their lives.

Granted.We can now see them and hear their screams.But their ghosts only repeat their final moments being alive.
I wish we could "live" mentally in the Internet 'world' using special devices.

Granted but you are physically harmed by cyberbullies.

I wish for an Aphex Twin t-shirt

At 5/21/14 07:00 AM, Phobotech wrote: I wish we could all see the dead, from generations upon generations past, and learn from their lives.

While gazing out into the intergalactic abyss with the world's most powerful telescope, a young scientist discovers a spectacular Dark Matter distortion. Peering deeply into one pigtail of this complex object, he noticed a very familiar, but faint spiral galaxy. Over the course of several years, researchers try to rectify the existence of a spiral galaxy which appears to be twice as old as the universe itself. And then a spry young grad student made a shocking breakthrough. He surmized that the dark matter cluster is massive enough to be stable for billions of years, yet supermassive enough to capture light from our galaxy, reroute it, squeeze it, and with minimal distortion: beam it back to the orbit of Earth within the Milky Way.

By his theory, there are many convulsing, twisting, spiraling facets to this strange and rare intergalactic object. Its cosmically monumental size and orientation to the plane of the milky way are perfectly attuned to the galactic spin; light emitted simultaneously from any particular source traveling diagonally to the core is captured over billions of years, compacted and refracted, then sent back to that source over billions of years.

The scientist and his collegues campaign for billions in research funding. This was the Holy Grail of cosmological discoveries! He contended that scanning a powerful telescope through the light, sorting the image by polarity would allow us to peer back in time to the Earth's earliest history. The Scientific community contended that building a dedicated telescope to survey this single object was worthy of international cooperation. Skeptics rebuked the efforts as a waste of funding. The Historical community asserted that the world could put this information to use for settling a myriad of debates on ancient chronology. The Philosophical community argued that knowing the true course of history would irrevocably alter the future. The religions of the world piddled and paddled about so many different opinions that it would be impossible to list them all. And so it was funded.

The world's governments unite to build a receiver for light coming from this astronomical oddity. And over the course of several decades, new algorithms to sort through and catalogue all of the video were developed. Enormous data bank facilities were constructed all over the globe to capture as much of the light as possible.

From this massive extragalactic surveillance, the history of the galaxy, our spiral arm, the solar system, and earth was reconstructed to the very last detail. Algorithms to account for all aspects of distortion were applied to sift through the data and yield better imagery. First fuzzy pictures of a small blue dot emerged. Then video of a pale white dot orbiting around a bluish white ball. And finally, high resolution photograph of a young earth with an atmospheric composition equal to that determined using ice core samples and geological evidence. Reducing the image and accounting for atmospheric disturbances yielded high resolution imagery of the earth's surface! Researchers traced the movements of the very earliest humans, historical settlers, and epic battles between ancient civilizations whose history had not survived the violence of the past half million years!

Ever diligent, researchers around the world collaborated to reduce atmospheric disturbances and reveal extraordinary detail, eventually collecting a single photon emitted from a single carbon atom in a single blood platelet in a single blood droplet from an individual stegosaurus being gored by a rival.

The world rejoiced! The history once lost was recovered against unimaginable odds!

However, the Dark Matter object was located just a tick over 31,415 light years away, orthogonal to the plane of the Milky Way. Light from the lives of all the identifiable ancestors of the current human population wouldn't reach the earth for thousands of years.

I wish I was myself.

At 5/21/14 02:03 PM, kletos wrote: I wish we could "live" mentally in the Internet 'world' using special devices.

Brain-Computer Interfaces are perfected. You enter the Internet 'world' and forget about the 'real world'. Everyone does. Over the course of a few decades, the world falls into complete disrepair. Governments become self-serving tyrannical plutocracies, arresting any common civilians who dare to walk more than a few blocks from their internet uplink. To limit the population, rebellious civilians are kidnapped and murdered, their consciousnesses uploaded to small processors to inform computers running facsimile simulations which nearly approximate the personality of the original. A population of 7 billion diminishes to 3 billion. And then 1 billion. And then only 10,000 of the world's evil reticent elite remain untouched as the souls of every other person on earth are converted into software.

At 5/21/14 02:12 PM, freaksy101 wrote: I wish for an Aphex Twin t-shirt

You get an Aphex Twin T-shirt, but it's too tight. It cuts circulation and you are forced to trade it for a pair of old Reeboks.

At 5/21/14 02:52 PM, 24901miles wrote: I wish I was myself.

Granted, you're still your shitty self.

I wish I was cool.

At 5/22/14 01:47 PM, NewgroundsMike wrote:
I wish I was cool.

Granted. You're hit by a gentle breeze...Brrr!

I wish I had an extra set of arms that I had complete control, blood circulation-through, nerve connections, flexibility, and usefulness, positioned on my body with a slightly modified bone structure to safely and effectively accomodate the extra appendages, not unlike Goro.

At 5/22/14 02:10 PM, Phobotech wrote:

At 5/22/14 01:47 PM, NewgroundsMike wrote:
I wish I was cool.

Granted. You're hit by a gentle breeze...Brrr!

I wish I had an extra set of arms that I had complete control, blood circulation-through, nerve connections, flexibility, and usefulness, positioned on my body with a slightly modified bone structure to safely and effectively accomodate the extra appendages, not unlike Goro.

Granted, now everyone thinks of you as a monster and you die all alone.

I wish I was the devil.

At 5/22/14 02:15 PM, NewgroundsMike wrote:

I wish I was the devil.

Granted, but it turns out Devil is just a pet name almighty Lucifer gives to her favorite bitch.

I wish for the ability to snap fingers and a person next to me spontaneously combusts.

At 5/22/14 02:25 PM, Slacker013 wrote:

At 5/22/14 02:15 PM, NewgroundsMike wrote:

I wish I was the devil.

Granted, but it turns out Devil is just a pet name almighty Lucifer gives to her favorite bitch.

I wish for the ability to snap fingers and a person next to me spontaneously combusts.

Granted, you accidentally kill your own mother that way.

I wish Almighty Lucifer was my bitch.

At 5/23/14 10:35 AM, NewgroundsMike wrote: I wish Almighty Lucifer was my bitch.

Granted, your parents give you a female puppy named Almighty Lucifer and she chews up your favorite shoes.

I wish that they weren't doing roadwork out front of my house, because seriously that shit is fucking up my day right now. You get a day off and you want to sleep past 7 AM? Fuck you, listen to a backhoe instead.

Fuck these guys.

At 5/23/14 10:44 AM, Me-Patch wrote:

At 5/23/14 10:35 AM, NewgroundsMike wrote: I wish Almighty Lucifer was my bitch.

Granted, your parents give you a female puppy named Almighty Lucifer and she chews up your favorite shoes.

I wish that they weren't doing roadwork out front of my house, because seriously that shit is fucking up my day right now. You get a day off and you want to sleep past 7 AM? Fuck you, listen to a backhoe instead.

Granted, the road in front of your house decays.

I wish for you to have a sound-proof house.

At 5/23/14 11:12 AM, NewgroundsMike wrote:

At 5/23/14 10:44 AM, Me-Patch wrote:

At 5/23/14 10:35 AM, NewgroundsMike wrote: I wish Almighty Lucifer was my bitch.

Granted, your parents give you a female puppy named Almighty Lucifer and she chews up your favorite shoes.

I wish for you to have a sound-proof house.

What he cant hear you.
I wish i had thoght of the fact you wrote that and not spoke