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The Fast Tortoise Chapters 1-2 Wip

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The Fast Tortoise Chapters 1-2 Wip Mar. 2nd, 2013 @ 11:41 AM Reply

First off, if anyone saw my last post on the art thread entitled the Fast Tortoise art or something like that, I would like to apologize for anything I said that may have offended anyone, and I fully admit I sounded like a total asswipe, and for that im sorry. Anyone involved in the arguments that were just trying to keep me inside the forum rules, you where all right to do so, and I apologize if anything I said in the heat of the moment offended and insulted any of you.

Well with that being said here is part of my story/novel/fantasybook that im working on, these two chapters are rough and still a work in progress, so bear that in mind when reading it, im well aware there are plenty of mistakes in spelling, punctuation etc but I just wanna post something up anyway for you all to read. Critiques are always appreciated guys! Thanks if you check it out I would love if you could!

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Response to The Fast Tortoise Chapters 1-2 Wip Mar. 2nd, 2013 @ 11:43 AM Reply

Prologue

This is a tale, a tale about dreams, determination and will. It is the story of one Tortoise who single handily set off a series of events that would inspire all others after him, a tortoise who shows that your dreams are never impossible, all you have to do, is BELIEVE. I am here to tell this young tortoises tale, a tale of ups and downs, of happiness and sadness, but most importantly a tale of courage and hope.

This young tortoises name, was Tort.

I guess for you to understand his actions, what made him face all those perils and danger you need to understand where he was from.
Along time ago before humans came to rule the earth we know, a demon lord, one of the Sons of Satan, Darkesh, ruled the earth, living in a castle of thorns up on the treacherous rocks of the Harkeen cliff. His castle was guarded by winged beasts known as Serotonin, creatures with no emotion or feeling, created by necro magic from the bodies of the dead slaves in his castle, designed to do his bidding alone. They say no one ever went into the castle and made it out alive, and normally you would think, Hey this isnâEUTMt that big a deal just stay away from the castle! But the real cruelty was that the valley was incased in a dark orb, meaning no one was able to escape, and the only exit was through the Dark Matter Portal in the deepest dungeon of the castle, going down a hundred miles deep.

He treated the people cruelly and looked down upon them as worthless beings. everyday people where in fear of their lives, fearing that Darkesh may pick them to be his sacrifice to the Dark Gods. Sometimes it wasnâEUTMt even for any ritual practice, sometimes it was just for his sadistic pleasures.

Maybe even worse than this, worse than all the heinous crimes Darkesh committed, was the lack of hope. It was plain to see hundreds of years of torture had broken the people, never aging a day because of the magic of Darkesh, their souls trapped to endure day after day of this hell on earth.
But even through the darkest of darks, the blackest of blacks there is a glimmer of light, even if only a tiny speck in the distance, this spark, this ember came in the form of a tortoise, different from all the rest, a fire burning in him since the day Darkesh enslaved them all, a longing to be free, to make dreams reality and to inspire others, for remember, even the smallest ember can set off the largest and brightest of fires.

Chapter 1

âEUoeThey tell us not to dream, not to believe but I know I can do anything I put my mind to, no matter what they say.âEU Tort was deep in thought, lying just outside his tiny cave that he called his home, packed tightly in with all the others,looking up at the sky, maybe just hoping to see a glimmer of anything but seeing only a monotonous and never ending blackness. To an ordinary person that sees the sky, they might think thatâEUTMs what its like anyway at night, but this Tortoise longed to see the stars, the clouds, to feel the sun on his body, to feel the rain pouring down as the old tortoises described. He looked around at the caves, and aye, it was truly a miserable place, the caves were barely big enough to hold one tortoise, and never enough for family. ThatâEUTMs why there werenâEUTMt many children in the ridge, it was really no place to raise a child and there was simply no room for them either, it was a cruel thing but it was the way it was and you just had to accept that. Tort was one of a rare few to be a child in the ridge, he had been born days before Darkesh came to rules the valley and his parents had sacrificed everything for him to live there, including giving up their own home and their lives so he could live. His only memories of them only consisted of right after he was born along with flashes of blue and green he thought must be the sky and the trees. Most nights Tort lay there alone with his thoughts, reminiscing, imagining what his parents would be like and what they would say, what they would think of him. It had been a lonely journey this far without any parents for guidance, luckily most people in the ridge were kind to him and treated him like their own, but even so, no matter how much they gave to him he always felt a void in his heart that he knew would never be filled. Then of course there where always the people who seemed to have a disliking for Tort and looked down upon him and made him feel even more worthless, a freak and an abomination.
They were all crammed together tightly down in a deep rocky valley, only the daunting cliff shooting up into the dark orb, casting a never ceasing shadow across the whole bottom of the valley, seeming to be mocking them as it went into and over the orb into the world outside Darkeshs valley. And then there was Darkeshs castle of course. The castle of thorns as it was know by, surrounded by a wall of sharp poisonous thorns that would kill you as soon as you even brushed yourself against them, not to forget the Serotonin guards, who flew endlessly around the castle, never stopping, never resting. It was the only other piece of landscape apart from the cliff, everyday people had to stare at it, no matter how much they didnâEUTMt want to but seemed to draw their eyes like a magnet. Aye and it served its purpose well, it was a reminder to the people who ruled over them, and it did a fine job of crushing their spirits, ripping all hope away and dreams. But not Tort, it only fuelled the fire in his belly âEUoeIâEUTMm differentâEU He muttered aloud âEUoeI just know I amâEU He looked around at the caves, swearing someday he would escape and change everything, he was inspired by stories from old tortoises who had lived long before the reign of Darkesh, stories of rivers of skys ever so blue, of things called grass and trees and these wonderful things called flowers that gave off the sweetest of scents, and other animals, he was told of majestic and proud lions, once kings of the jungle and mischievous monkeys who caused much laughter except to those on the wrong end of their pranks! Half the time he didnâEUTMt even know what they were talking about but someday he was determined to go and see all these things they spoke of for himself. You see; for him life had started and begun in this valley, this ridge, never experiencing the sun, the stars, or even something as simple as a gentle breeze floating in on a hot summers day Even the old folk who told these tales had lost hope, maybe they had been like him once, young, full of life and energy, a longing of freedom but years of this hell had broken their spirits, leaving them to be like empty shells, there in body, empty in spirit, destined to tell the tales of old. Majority of the tortoise living in their community had spent their whole lives in the ridge and thought the stories to be tales of lore to entertain the young children so they never payed much attention when the old tortoises gathered around to tell their tales and to be truthful, a lot of the young tortoises believed them to be merely fanciful tales as well, but not Tort, he was different. Something always seemed to call out to him when these tales were told, a yearning to experience these things and be free. A lot of people said he was crazy, that there was nothing he could do, that should just keep his head down and pray for a miracle. âEUoeWhat if I am that Miracle though?âEU He thought many a time. He was tired of the gruelling days working under DarkeshâEUTMs henchmen, he was sick of waiting for someone else to come and save him, it was time for action. âEUoeIt doesnâEUTMt matter if I live or die, I just have to try!âEU He shouted.
He glanced one more back at the castle of macabre and horror, before he went into his cave his fire high, swearing on the gods of the Tortoises he would end DarkeshâEUTMs tyranny, once and for all.

End of chapter 1

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Response to The Fast Tortoise Chapters 1-2 Wip Mar. 2nd, 2013 @ 11:45 AM Reply

Shit sorry guys, ignore that first post with the chapters, I was working in word and the italics codes etc dont come out right in this my bad.
Prologue

This is a tale, a tale about dreams, determination and will. It is the story of one Tortoise who single handily set off a series of events that would inspire all others after him, a tortoise who shows that your dreams are never impossible, all you have to do, is BELIEVE. I am here to tell this young tortoises tale, a tale of ups and downs, of happiness and sadness, but most importantly a tale of courage and hope.

This young tortoises name, was Tort.

I guess for you to understand his actions, what made him face all those perils and danger you need to understand where he was from.
Along time ago before humans came to rule the earth we know, a demon lord, one of the Sons of Satan, Darkesh, ruled the earth, living in a castle of thorns up on the treacherous rocks of the Harkeen cliff. His castle was guarded by winged beasts known as Serotonin, creatures with no emotion or feeling, created by necro magic from the bodies of the dead slaves in his castle, designed to do his bidding alone. They say no one ever went into the castle and made it out alive, and normally you would think, Hey this isnâEUTMt that big a deal just stay away from the castle! But the real cruelty was that the valley was incased in a dark orb, meaning no one was able to escape, and the only exit was through the Dark Matter Portal in the deepest dungeon of the castle, going down a hundred miles deep.

He treated the people cruelly and looked down upon them as worthless beings. everyday people where in fear of their lives, fearing that Darkesh may pick them to be his sacrifice to the Dark Gods. Sometimes it wasnâEUTMt even for any ritual practice, sometimes it was just for his sadistic pleasures.

Maybe even worse than this, worse than all the heinous crimes Darkesh committed, was the lack of hope. It was plain to see hundreds of years of torture had broken the people, never aging a day because of the magic of Darkesh, their souls trapped to endure day after day of this hell on earth.
But even through the darkest of darks, the blackest of blacks there is a glimmer of light, even if only a tiny speck in the distance, this spark, this ember came in the form of a tortoise, different from all the rest, a fire burning in him since the day Darkesh enslaved them all, a longing to be free, to make dreams reality and to inspire others, for remember, even the smallest ember can set off the largest and brightest of fires.

Chapter 1

âEUoeThey tell us not to dream, not to believe but I know I can do anything I put my mind to, no matter what they say.âEU Tort was deep in thought, lying just outside his tiny cave that he called his home, packed tightly in with all the others,looking up at the sky, maybe just hoping to see a glimmer of anything but seeing only a monotonous and never ending blackness. To an ordinary person that sees the sky, they might think thatâEUTMs what its like anyway at night, but this Tortoise longed to see the stars, the clouds, to feel the sun on his body, to feel the rain pouring down as the old tortoises described. He looked around at the caves, and aye, it was truly a miserable place, the caves were barely big enough to hold one tortoise, and never enough for family. ThatâEUTMs why there werenâEUTMt many children in the ridge, it was really no place to raise a child and there was simply no room for them either, it was a cruel thing but it was the way it was and you just had to accept that. Tort was one of a rare few to be a child in the ridge, he had been born days before Darkesh came to rules the valley and his parents had sacrificed everything for him to live there, including giving up their own home and their lives so he could live. His only memories of them only consisted of right after he was born along with flashes of blue and green he thought must be the sky and the trees. Most nights Tort lay there alone with his thoughts, reminiscing, imagining what his parents would be like and what they would say, what they would think of him. It had been a lonely journey this far without any parents for guidance, luckily most people in the ridge were kind to him and treated him like their own, but even so, no matter how much they gave to him he always felt a void in his heart that he knew would never be filled. Then of course there where always the people who seemed to have a disliking for Tort and looked down upon him and made him feel even more worthless, a freak and an abomination.
They were all crammed together tightly down in a deep rocky valley, only the daunting cliff shooting up into the dark orb, casting a never ceasing shadow across the whole bottom of the valley, seeming to be mocking them as it went into and over the orb into the world outside Darkeshs valley. And then there was Darkeshs castle of course. The castle of thorns as it was know by, surrounded by a wall of sharp poisonous thorns that would kill you as soon as you even brushed yourself against them, not to forget the Serotonin guards, who flew endlessly around the castle, never stopping, never resting. It was the only other piece of landscape apart from the cliff, everyday people had to stare at it, no matter how much they didnâEUTMt want to but seemed to draw their eyes like a magnet. Aye and it served its purpose well, it was a reminder to the people who ruled over them, and it did a fine job of crushing their spirits, ripping all hope away and dreams. But not Tort, it only fuelled the fire in his belly âEUoeIâEUTMm differentâEU He muttered aloud âEUoeI just know I amâEU He looked around at the caves, swearing someday he would escape and change everything, he was inspired by stories from old tortoises who had lived long before the reign of Darkesh, stories of rivers of skys ever so blue, of things called grass and trees and these wonderful things called flowers that gave off the sweetest of scents, and other animals, he was told of majestic and proud lions, once kings of the jungle and mischievous monkeys who caused much laughter except to those on the wrong end of their pranks! Half the time he didnâEUTMt even know what they were talking about but someday he was determined to go and see all these things they spoke of for himself. You see; for him life had started and begun in this valley, this ridge, never experiencing the sun, the stars, or even something as simple as a gentle breeze floating in on a hot summers day Even the old folk who told these tales had lost hope, maybe they had been like him once, young, full of life and energy, a longing of freedom but years of this hell had broken their spirits, leaving them to be like empty shells, there in body, empty in spirit, destined to tell the tales of old. Majority of the tortoise living in their community had spent their whole lives in the ridge and thought the stories to be tales of lore to entertain the young children so they never payed much attention when the old tortoises gathered around to tell their tales and to be truthful, a lot of the young tortoises believed them to be merely fanciful tales as well, but not Tort, he was different. Something always seemed to call out to him when these tales were told, a yearning to experience these things and be free. A lot of people said he was crazy, that there was nothing he could do, that should just keep his head down and pray for a miracle. âEUoeWhat if I am that Miracle though?âEU He thought many a time. He was tired of the gruelling days working under DarkeshâEUTMs henchmen, he was sick of waiting for someone else to come and save him, it was time for action. âEUoeIt doesnâEUTMt matter if I live or die, I just have to try!âEU He shouted.
He glanced one more back at the castle of macabre and horror, before he went into his cave his fire high, swearing on the gods of the Tortoises he would end DarkeshâEUTMs tyranny, once and for all.

End of chapter 1

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Response to The Fast Tortoise Chapters 1-2 Wip Mar. 2nd, 2013 @ 11:48 AM Reply

Apologies again, I have no idea whats wrong so my bad!
Anyway heres chapter two

Chapter 2

Sometimes opportunities come at the most unexpected of times, and in the most unexpected of places. When Tort woke the next morning he had a strange feeling inside him but couldnâEUTMt quite place it, he gathered it must be from the cliff swamp water they had to drink, a lot of the Tortoises in the Ridge had fallen victim to it quite recently. Hoping the sickness would pass quickly he continued to go about his work. If you know anything about Tortoises then you know they are incredibly resilient creatures, and Darkesh exploited and abused this as much as he could. Tortoises had to work all day mining the hard rocks of the cliff for Blue Emeralds, nobody quite knew why they had to do it, day after treacherous day, some said that it was Darkeshs vanity, that he had an obsession with them and admired their beauty and color, others said he used them for his Dark Necro magic acts and he needed them to power his undead warriors and servants. To be honest it really didnâEUTMt matter to the tortoises they had to keep mining and mining all the time without break and only resting for less than 3 hours a night.
The work was overseen by some of Darkeshes lesser creatures, but they were still incredibly cruel, taking away atleast one kicking and screaming tortoise who was never to be seen again, they were dressed in black armour, faceless beings who never uttered a word, giving no indication of there presence expect when one felt the impact of a whip on
their already sun burned shells. Remember how I said opportunities can come at the strangest times and in the strangest ways? This was one of those times, this was on of those days, a day for action.
Tort had been going about his, still feeling weird, when he dropped the blue emerald in his hands, the tortoises had been mining for months with no emeralds in sight and this was the first one they had got in a long time, so you can imagine what happened when he dropped it and it smashed onto the grounds, its shards scattering everywhere across the rocky ground, creating a huge ringing sound that echoed throughout the ridge. Tort knew he was deep in trouble now, who knows what his punishment would be? He was almost certain he would be dragged away and would never be seen again, he cast his eyes left and right in a panic, looking at all the tortoises just standing there, saying and doing nothing, and then he saw the guards, making not a sound but simply gliding over towards him like silent death mongers. He dropped to his knees, all his dreams and hopes were about to be ripped away from him, but suddenly he shouted aloud âEUoeIf I go I go with dignity, I shall not beg for mercy or forgiveness, do with me what you must but I will not break!âEU The guards said nothing but when they glided over to him they instead took down there hoods, showing a hideous and monstrous sight, so terrifying and horrible that it isnâEUTMt fit to describe on these pages. But Tort, true to his word simply continued to hold his gaze steady, staring directly at the unhooded guards not showing the people the terror he was feeling inside.
He felt a hood being slipped over his head and he was blinded, having no idea what direction they where headed. He tried counting and memorising the steps; but after walking for twenty minutes he had to give up on it, âEU~chances of me escaping are pretty unlikely anywayâEUTM He thought to himself as he chuckled darkly, he heard a hissing that was to close for comfort and he made a note to keep all jokes to himself when he was around these guys. He noticed the ground had a drastic change in terrain and he let out a yelp as his next stepped changed from the feeling of solid rock to freezing mud, he began to shiver as the mud reached his waist level; he wasnâEUTMt used to this kind of feeling from working in the ridge his whole life. Something brushed against his leg under the water, it felt slimy but still had razor sharp bristles on it that cut into his legs, he stifled a cry but couldnâEUTMt hold it in any longer as the pain became unbearable. The guards pushed him forward and he fell straight into the mud, he franticly began scrambling around and splashing in the mud in a panic, his eyes temporarily blinded and stinging from the toxins in the mud coming through the hood. He quickly felt himself being hoisted up by the arms and he could now hear the guards cackling and hissing in amusement and he swore if he got the chance he would have the last laugh.
He continued to bear the stinging sensation and just when if felt like it would never end his foot hit dry land again. He gave silent thanks to the Tortoise Gods and asked for their guidance and blessings on whatever else he was going to have to endure.
He felt the hood being jerked from his head by rough, uncaring hands, and he was blinded by a glaring light eminating from over a stone wall, theses walls were in no way as tall as the cliff in the ridge but they still intimidated him as he imagined what was going to happen to him, would they throw him off the wall or perhaps throw him into that strange and eery glow? âEUoeWhat do you have planned for me?âEU He said,his voice hoarse from not speaking and the intake of the mud earlier into his lungs. On cue he coughed rather violently and clumps of dried up mud came flying out of his mouth. And then he heard it, a shrill cry coming from over the wall, not human, not animal, unlike anything he had heard in his entire life. He began shaking as the thing cried out âEUoeI must feed! Souls, I need Souls!âEU He felt his body collapse from under him and he fell to the ground with a thud. Two of the soldiers carried him, one of them hissed, âEUoeNot such a tough guy now huh?âEU He cackled madly âEUoeWhen you see whats in store for you, youâEUTMll wish we had killed you back at the ridge!âEU This was the first time he had ever heard these monsters says anything and it was like nails to a chalk board listening to them. As they walked towards the wall as if it could sense them a hole appeared and they threw him in upon the cold stony ground. He looked back at them, hoping this was some sort of a trick, that this was all to scare him and to break him, but that hope died when the wall closed and he was left to try and gather his senses. As he came out of his daze he began to observe his surroundings, skulls and bones scattered the ground, with blood splayed across the walls like a painter gone mad with a brush but there was no monsters and no creatures, only paths and walls, and suddenly he released it wasnâEUTMt just a wall he had been looking at from the outside, it was a labyrinth. That same cry went up again from somewhere in the maze, the cry of a hungry beast, that of a ruthless killer. And what did Tort do? He did the only thing he could do, run, run for his life.

End Of chapter 2

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Response to The Fast Tortoise Chapters 1-2 Wip Mar. 3rd, 2013 @ 05:29 PM Reply

*Here is chapter 3, I have since edited the previous chapters on the other sites that allow me to, but unfortunately I cant here, and I dont want to outsource as that caused a row, so I have to leave you with the unedited versions, just suggesting perhaps an edit post button would be good? Anyway here is chapter 3, enjoy!*

Darkesh sat in his throne, looking distinctly bored, the first few hundred years of torture had been fun, but after awhile he had grown tiresome of thinking up new ways to torture the creatures of this valley. âEUoeOh well, after my plan comes to fruition there will be no more valley creatures it will-âEU

His train of thought was broken when two guards from the Ridge entered the room. They bowed down till there faces where practically touching the ground, waiting for Darkesh to say something.

âEUoeWhat news do you have to report scum?âEU He treated his guards with about as much respect as he did the valley creatures, to him they were all worthless and beneath him, and even having to talk to them like this irritated him. âEUoeW-well your greatness, the tortoises found a blue emerald today-âEU One said in a shaky voice. âEUoeYou are certain of this?!âEU Darkesh roared to him. A blue emerald had not been found in the Ridge for awhile, and Darkesh was running low. âEUoeB-but the news doesnâEUTMt end there sire, t-the blue emerald, it was b-broken broken by a young tortoise..there was-âEU

He was stopped by a roar from Darkesh, how intimidating the dark lord must have looked as he stood and towered above them, the black glow growing larger around him as his eyes grew redder and redder with fury. âEUoeWhat? How could you let the emerald be broken? You insolent fools!âEU He roared. âEUoeSire, there was nothing we could-âEU The second guard began but he never finished as in the blink of an eye Darkeshs hand summoned up a black energy and destroyed both of them, their bodies crumpling in a pile of dust, promptly devoured by the slug like beast that glided across the floor. Darkesh wasnâEUTMt finished there though, his black glowing hand had destroyed the bodies but had absorbed the souls for eternal torture however he pleased. âEUoeTHIS is what happens to those of insolence and those who fail me! Learn from this all you servant scum, unless you wish to fall to the same fate.âEU

With that he walked over to the map of the valley, and placed his hand over a maze, the maze of the trapped souls, and a horrible screaming noise rang through the whole room, echoing off the spiked walls and the floor made out of the dead bodies of servants he had no use for. âEUoeNo master, please spare us!âEU The voices cried out but Darkesh gave them no heed and let them fall into the maze, right on top of the mazes guardian, the Soul Eater. He smirked as he sat back down in his throne; that was the most fun heâEUTMd had in months.

Tort was running in a blind panic, crashing into walls, tripping over skeletons, not thinking, just running. Suddenly he heard the most inhumane screaming sound followed by the same beasty he had heard when he first entered the labyrinth âEUoeI am stilllllll hungry!âEU It screeched, âEUoeI need soulllllsssss.âEU He stopped dead in his tracks; it was close, way too close.

He stopped to think, he had been in such a blind panic that he never had time to gather his thoughts or think about what he was doing. âEUoeI need to be more careful or IâEUTMll end up like those poor souls that have succumbed to that monster.âEU He remembered what an old tortoise had told him back at the ridge. âEUoeCourage isnâEUTMt just acting, it is also thinking, being calm.âEU Tort realised he needed to keep his wits about him in order to survive.

He studied his surroundings a little more closely now, It was obvious they were in a very large maze, but so far, he hadnâEUTMt seen any beasts lurking around corners. Something glinted in the corner of the wall and caught his eye; it was an emerald! He cautiously walked over towards it, eyes peeled for any traps laid out to get the incautious. It was unlike the normal blue emeralds he was used to digging up, it looked like it had smoke swirling on the inside of it, he reached out to touch and quickly withdrew his hand as it began to crack.. Then it shattered.

âEUoeWhat is it with me and emeralds?âEU He said, about to turn away and get moving, getting an eerie feeling from the emerald. He spun and was about to run when a voice spoke to him, it was like a growl; but it was low and booming and it made the scales stand up in his shell. âEUoeYou have broken the emerald of the Zeekhlhyde, the hunter of the maze, and you shall now pay for itâEU The thing said. âEUoeYou have disturbed my resting place and the gods decree the only punishment for you, is death.âEU The Zeekhlhyde said it in such a calm manner, but Tort could hear the menace in his voice. He turned around to the beast, it floated in the air and its hand glowed with a black energy he could only assume was Necro magic. âEUoeHe must be a demon created by Darkesh.âEU He realised. Without thinking he just ran, trying to gain distance on the beast.

He could hear the beast chasing behind him, panting, the only sounds now of his footsteps and the beast as its claws grazed along the stony walls, leaving massive scratches. Tort rounded a corner and looked behind him to check and see how far behind the Zeekhlhyde was and failed to notice a tile in the ground that was looser than the others were. Without thinking, he trod on the tile pressing it hard into the ground. The sound of cogs and wheels cranking filled the maze and suddenly from the opposite side of the path daggers shot out and whistled through the air.

Tort looked just in time and slammed himself to the floor, avoiding the daggers as the just flew over his shell. He breathed a sigh of relief, âEUoeThat was nearly the end of me.âEU Unfortunately, the Zeekhlhyde was not so lucky; it didnâEUTMt hear the swords and so rounded the corner carelessly; his eyes opening wide with shock as the three daggers pinned him solidly to the wall. The diamond on his head shattered, and he immediately turned to dust, leaving only the daggers in the wall.

He was breathing heavily, that had been far too close for comfort and he was just a scales width away from being demon chow! He needed a weapon to defend himself; luck wouldnâEUTMt all be on his side, no matter how much he prayed to the Tortoise Gods. He looked to the daggers on the wall; they were small enough things but they would do the job for now.

As he walked over to them he got a better look at them, the handles were carved from bones and the blades were made from a dark glassy material a lot like the diamond that had been used to release the Zeekhlhyde. âEUoeIn that case who knows what kind of dark magic is inside them? Better be careful with them.âEU He thought as he carefully manoeuvred them out of the wall and tucked then safely into his shell.

He started trudging through the maze when suddenly that cry went up again. âEUoeSoulllss I need them! I can smell them!âEU His hands went to two of the daggers, he had a feeling he would need them pretty soon.

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Response to The Fast Tortoise Chapters 1-2 Wip Mar. 3rd, 2013 @ 07:20 PM Reply

With a quick glance I noticed your chapters are barely a page or two long. You should try to write a few more pages than that.

A tidbit I'll nitpick:

Tort was deep in thought, lying just outside his tiny cave that he called his home, packed tightly in with all the others,looking up at the sky, maybe just hoping to see a glimmer of anything but seeing only a monotonous and never ending blackness.

Run on sentence.
Plus describing how he's in tight quarters does not fit into the paragraph with the dark sky; you want to try to focus on a single central though per paragraph. Separate the two ideas into different paragraphs: one for his surroundings in the cave and one for the outside sky.

Tort being in a packed cave could be an entire paragraph on it's own. I.E., maybe describe his friends, the interior of the cave, what he smells, etc. Then have him get up, exit the cave and look up to the sky.


fffffffuuuuuuu

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Response to The Fast Tortoise Chapters 1-2 Wip Mar. 4th, 2013 @ 11:06 AM Reply

At 3/3/13 07:20 PM, Spedmallet wrote: With a quick glance I noticed your chapters are barely a page or two long. You should try to write a few more pages than that.

A tidbit I'll nitpick:

Tort was deep in thought, lying just outside his tiny cave that he called his home, packed tightly in with all the others,looking up at the sky, maybe just hoping to see a glimmer of anything but seeing only a monotonous and never ending blackness.
Run on sentence.
Plus describing how he's in tight quarters does not fit into the paragraph with the dark sky; you want to try to focus on a single central though per paragraph. Separate the two ideas into different paragraphs: one for his surroundings in the cave and one for the outside sky.

Tort being in a packed cave could be an entire paragraph on it's own. I.E., maybe describe his friends, the interior of the cave, what he smells, etc. Then have him get up, exit the cave and look up to the sky.

Thanks man will do! I definitely have to write more you're right on that, I want to get down the basic idea of each chapter tho you know what I mean? I think once I get to a certain chapter like 5 or something I'll go back, lengthen, and refine as you said. Thanks for checking it out and I appreciate the advice!