The gang needs to perform an exorcism in an abandoned lighthouse. Care to join?4.12 / 5.00 6,011 Views
Shoot your Salami to victory!3.76 / 5.00 3,262 Views
Politics in 2017 are not fun3.65 / 5.00 3,567 Views
Hey y'all, I'm just posting the next chapter in a series of fan fic I've been writing. I hope you think it's pretty rad, it's based off of this video game called Final Fantasy 7, so I'd really appreciate some constructive criticism. You should also read the first three parts:
Rocket town, 9:48AM
It's a bleak and desolate morning in Rocket Town, the town where a rocket takes you to outer space in disc 2 of Final Fantasy 7.
"More tea, robot Sephiroth?" asked robot Sephiroth v2, version two of the cyborg version of maniacal Sephiroth.
"Yes please, and did you remember to put smack in it?" asked robot Sephiroth, version one of the cyborg version of maniacal Sephiroth.
"Why of course, we wouldn't be real villains without heroin! Hahaha"
The evil robot clones shared a laugh, until they were interrupted somehow by an incoming cyber message on the TV monitor.
"Well well well, if it isn't the two evil robot clones of Sephiroth!" a gruff, mystery voice bellowed.
The two Sephiroths scrambled with the TV and the pictured revealed none other than Ruby Weapon! He had his hair slicked back and was sporting a pair of sunglasses that you would describe as 'in your face'.
"Lord Ruby Weapon! This is a most unexpected pleasure!" the two Sephiroths bumbled.
"Now is not the time for pleasantries! You fools owe me 500 gil for all of that smack you've been using! Give me the money for tonight or there'll be consequences!"
The television cut out.
Robot Sephiroth version one and two knew that as weaker, inferior versions of Sephiroth, albeit just as evil as the original, they'd have no chance taking on Ruby Weapon, as he's this optional super boss from later on in the game. He's also who they buy final fantasy drugs from. After a long night of debating, where they ordered two pizzas and drank a two litre bottle of vimto, their evil plan was set in motion.
Gongana village, 4:00PM
Red XIII and Cid are playing poker against Rio, the guy who owns the Golden Saucer and always runs about in his pants. Rio keeps going all in when he's got rubbish hands, but it doesn't matter because he has so much money to gamble with. Cid and Red XIII are just about to call it a day, when there's a knock at the door.
"Hehehe, I think I have a new player for your little poker game, hehehe..."
Don Corneo suddenly busts into the room, accompanied by a strange emotionless man in a black hood.
"How about playing another game, with myself and Ssor Htes?"
"Don Corneo! I thought you died when you fell off that mountain in Wutai!" shouted Red XIII, mainly because he hadn't said anything for a while and was feeling pretty self-conscious.
"And I thought you died when Cloud sliced you into a thousand pieces after you teamed up with a robot clone of Sephiroth forced Tifa to get an abortion!" Cid shouted, because he was genuinely confused.
"That's all in the past" said Don Corneo, smoothly, "Tonight's game of poker is what's important... I say we all put all of our money into a pot, and the last man standing wins. Do you accept?"
"Cid!" cautioned Red XIII, "Remember that we have to save all of this money for the children's cancer home! We can't go betting it on some poker game!"
"I'm in." said Ssor Htes.
"Count me in, too!" said Cid, he was drunk and didn't like these cocky strangers trying to intimidate him.
And so began a really epic game of poker. There was jazz music flowing wildly in the background, as Don Corneo, Cid and Ssor Htes drank bourbon and chainsmoked cigars, with cards flying across the table. There was every poker hand you could imagine - straight, flush, two pair, three of a kind, and so on. They were raising, calling and folding. At the end of it, after seven hours and fourteen minutes, Cid had won the lot. Millions of gil.
"Come on Red XIII, let's go to the G-Star shop and get you some cool jeans," said Cid, as he was scooping up all of his money.
"Not so fast!" declared Ssor Htes, pointing his gun at Cid, Red and Don Corneo.
"Now see here, what is the meaning of this! I took you along to this secret poker game in good faith Sephiroth!"
Ssor Htes pointed his gun at the Don and fired. Don Corneo dropped to the ground in front of them, riddled with bullet holes and spraying blood like some kind of decorative fountain. Also he was dead.
"Did he just say Sephiroth-" gasped Red XIII.
"Hehehe, yes he did... Just call me Ssor Htes or... Seth Ross version 3! The third evil robot clone of Sephiroth!!!"
"You'll never get away with this!" said Cid, as he cast the spell Fire 2 at Seth Ross version 3. The fire scalded Seth Ross in his face, and he ran off in despair. Cid and Red XIII chased after him to find him running his face under a cold tap.
"You're a jerk!" he shouted, sniffling through his tears.
"Sorry man..." said Cid, who felt sorry for causing him real damage.
"This is going to leave such an ugly mark, I don't even think I can muster up the strength to fight you guys now."
Cid and Red XII shared a guilty look.
"The least you can do," pleaded robot Sephiroth version 3, "Is pay me the 500 gil it's going to cost to buy burn cream for my face!"
Cid and Red XIII agreed with this and paid Seph Ross version 3 the 500 gil he asked for. Little did they know that he was not really burned at all, as he was wearing a Fire Ring nullifying fire attacks! He raced back to Rocket Town on a chocobo and gave the other two Sephiroth robot clones the money.
The three robot Sephiroths managed to pay off Ruby Weapon and live for a while as functioning smack addicts. Whenever they ran out of money they'd just go and kill some things on the world map, because somehow slaughtering wild animals makes profit. They lived in a dive flat in Rocket Town, constantly smacked out of their face, when one day tragedy struck.
One day Seth Ross version 1, the original robot clone of Sephiroth, got aids from sharing a needle with Ifrit, the summon. After that, version 2 and 3 of robot Sephiroth vowed to clean up their lives and get off the skag for good. They stopped hanging around with Ruby and Emerald Weapon and opened up their own Inn.
Midgar, two weeks later
Cloud Strife, mercenary with blonde hair, takes a swig of Magners from the bottle, as he's on his way to the Shinra building to do some vandalism, when all of a sudden, he gets a call on his radio phone.
"Cloud, it's Reno," said Reno
"What do YOU want?" Cloud retorted, he was still in a huff about the time Reno attacked him and his friends in a violent rage.
"It's about the robot clone of Sephiroth, Seth Ross version 1..."
"What about him?"
"He's got aids. Cloud? Cloud??"
But it was too late, Cloud had hung up the phone. He thought about all of those times he'd fought with robot Sephiroth version 1, in his other final fantasy adventures. What if he'd got some of his blood in his mouth? What if they both had a cut and they pressed them against each other's? Cloud couldn't sit still.
And what about Tifa? What if she had it too? He'd been making sweet love to her for years. This was the most horrible thing that had ever happened to Cloud.
His worst fear had been realised. He was going to have to get an aids test, and the only man who could give him it...was already dead.
A STRONG, PROUD, INDEPENDENT BLACK WOMAN WHO DON'T NEED NO MAN
yo I'mma be frank I stopped reading at 'more tea robo sephiroth'
Dr. Spedmund McMallet
At 2/25/13 01:55 PM, Spedmallet wrote: yo I'mma be frank I stopped reading at 'more tea robo sephiroth'
Not a fan of Final Fantasy 7 eh?
It's alright, you can still enjoy it as a work of standalone fiction, it doesn't constantly reference the game.
A STRONG, PROUD, INDEPENDENT BLACK WOMAN WHO DON'T NEED NO MAN