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Mekan
Mekan
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The Three Girls Feb. 24th, 2013 @ 12:30 AM Reply

A short thing I wrote on a dream I had during a nap a night ago. Was pretty awesome until I woke up. I'm looking for critique on my writing style and what I could do to improve it. I know I might not have the best formatting, but it's all within how to learn to write well.

I have the full story here: The Three Girls

The link leads to my tumblr account. I don't really know of any other place to place writing other than google docs. I have a couple of other short stories and prose pieces that I'd like to post, but one thing at a time. Any suggestions?

MeatRay
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Response to The Three Girls Feb. 24th, 2013 @ 05:51 AM Reply

I took pleasant joy in the ending; Its taste being suited well to my pallet.

If I had to present to you an immediate facet for you to shine and improve: I'd warn you to watch your tenses.
The present-tense writing was fun, but at times you lapsed into past tense verbs. --many writers do this though. It isn't a direct issue, but can sometimes give your writing an improper lend of jumble. For example,
"ItâEUTMs a dismal, rainy evening and my parents decided to order out instead of making dinner. Not that I mind - less dishes. I didnâEUTMt want to get out. The rain was starting to hit down harder and more violent since I left home. âEUoeAn ode to the brave,âEU I thought."
You carry a nice beginning, and I'll admit I'm a nutter for florid environmental descriptions, but then it wavers when you state you "..didn't want to get out." Maybe rather, it could read as "I don't want to get out."
It's probably rather awkward to type at first: That's why these tensual distortions sneak in! :o]
--but if you keep it straight, your story will sound more like a currently occurring current of occurrences, pulling the reader along with your train of thought.

Again, on the other side of the coin, you may have been trying to go for past tense all along! I don't think so though, due to the beginning carrying heavy present elements.

In general, I enjoy your styling an imagination. I'd love to see what you could do with drawn out Horror.

Mekan
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Response to The Three Girls Feb. 24th, 2013 @ 12:51 PM Reply

At 2/24/13 05:51 AM, MeatRay wrote: I took pleasant joy in the ending; Its taste being suited well to my pallet.

If I had to present to you an immediate facet for you to shine and improve: I'd warn you to watch your tenses.
The present-tense writing was fun, but at times you lapsed into past tense verbs. --many writers do this though. It isn't a direct issue, but can sometimes give your writing an improper lend of jumble. It's probably rather awkward to type at first: That's why these tensual distortions sneak in! :o]
--but if you keep it straight, your story will sound more like a currently occurring current of occurrences, pulling the reader along with your train of thought.

Again, on the other side of the coin, you may have been trying to go for past tense all along! I don't think so though, due to the beginning carrying heavy present elements.

In general, I enjoy your styling an imagination. I'd love to see what you could do with drawn out Horror.

Oh damn. I didn't notice those at all. I think what I had meant to write there is, "I didn't want to go out." though I'm not sure why I typed didn't and get. That doesn't make sense at all. Good eye. :D I'll edit the story a bit to fix the tenses. I'm not sure if I want to continue on with this story and I'm really not sure what direction it should head in. A subtle kind of horror? Or maybe the protagonist is just gonna lose his mind. We'll see. Thanks for the input.

ChiiFace
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Response to The Three Girls Feb. 25th, 2013 @ 02:28 PM Reply

Hey.
I like it, you make it so i allways want to keep reading. Just a few points.
" The towel was soaked with whatever I dried off myself..." Sometimes your sentances are a bit strange. With whatever i dried off myself? I'm guessing that's the rain? It took a while for my brain to understand the sentance. If it's the rain we're talking about, does she need to explain it is a 'whatever', we're pretty sure it was raining earlier unless it was raining meatballs, maybe a sentance a little simpler would help like. "The towel was soaking wet, so i folded it and.. etc" Or maybe it's just a grammar miss?
Also "She quickly seen how her two sisters had warmed up to me..." the comment above me hit the nail. Careful of your tenses. Is this supposed to be "She quickly saw"? Perhaps just a quick read through and touch up is all you need. :)
Speaking of warming up to you, it's strange how the two girls warm up to you then don't say a word later on at bedtime. Is this part of the story? After they had warmed up to you and told you they didn't know where they lived etc it's hard to imagine them being quiet again but perhaps its for a reason?
Anyway hope my comments helped in some way. Keep it up.

Mekan
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Response to The Three Girls Feb. 25th, 2013 @ 02:37 PM Reply

At 2/25/13 02:28 PM, ChiiFace wrote: Hey.
I like it, you make it so i allways want to keep reading. Just a few points.
" The towel was soaked with whatever I dried off myself..." Sometimes your sentances are a bit strange. With whatever i dried off myself? I'm guessing that's the rain? It took a while for my brain to understand the sentance. If it's the rain we're talking about, does she need to explain it is a 'whatever', we're pretty sure it was raining earlier unless it was raining meatballs, maybe a sentance a little simpler would help like. "The towel was soaking wet, so i folded it and.. etc" Or maybe it's just a grammar miss?
Also "She quickly seen how her two sisters had warmed up to me..." the comment above me hit the nail. Careful of your tenses. Is this supposed to be "She quickly saw"? Perhaps just a quick read through and touch up is all you need. :)
Speaking of warming up to you, it's strange how the two girls warm up to you then don't say a word later on at bedtime. Is this part of the story? After they had warmed up to you and told you they didn't know where they lived etc it's hard to imagine them being quiet again but perhaps its for a reason?
Anyway hope my comments helped in some way. Keep it up.

I'm glad to have seen this reply so quickly. With things like that, in my mind they make sense so I pass over them. When people read them and it doesn't make sense to them it reminds me that I have to change such things. People have told me I have an odd way of typing/conveying my ideas and I'm really trying to change that. My stories usually don't come out in a comprehensive flowing thing. They come out as a grammatical/chronological mess.

I'll add a bit more to add to the flow of the story and make it so things progress in a more friendly manner. Thanks for pointing this out! :D I haven't put the revised edition up on here or on my tumblr yet. I'll probably update it later today or tomorrow.