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Critique for a piece based on Drive

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Ultimate-fish
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Critique for a piece based on Drive 2013-02-23 10:25:15 Reply

He, The Driver, staring into the foreground of his car window. His expression is glazed, forlorn; Penetrating his concentration. The fluidity of his breathing is as composed as the car he sits in, stationary. He, The Driver, his arm outstretched onto the wheel that drives him, driving him. Nothing is sudden, yet all is not still with The Driver. His fingers hang over the the peak of his wheel. His palm firm, and steady. Drive. His focus snaps to the same start of the engine. Turning to look to the street before him, he smiles. This is his Nightcall.

The street picks up, but still in concrete silence in response. The street masks itself beneath its darkness, the car masks itself beneath the street, just as The Driver masks himself beneath the car. None of which pay any mind to the other. Dwelling within themselves is how they cope, the catastrophe of acknowledging one another sends tremors through the darkness, and the streets, and The Driver. He peers further; Past the headlights; And the neon. Past anything his gloved hands can grasp.

He, The Driver. Hand still grasping the peak of his wheel. The luminescent neon shines a dirty colour into the window of his car, it reflects off The Driver. He blinks, the hue swells into a dysphoria of orange that soaks into The Driver. He blinks again, looking softly to the dashboard of his car before it's disappearance.
All is black, all is right.

Based on this.


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Spedmallet
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Response to Critique for a piece based on Drive 2013-02-23 10:52:14 Reply

Few points I guess

-'The Driver' gets repetitive
-Few capitalization and comma errors

His expression is glazed, forlorn; "P"enetrating his concentration.
He peers further; Past the headlights; And the neon.

Single comma, no semi-colons

The fluidity of his breathing is as composed as the car he sits in, stationary.

Semi-colon, not comma.
-Overall I just don't feel it. Way too much pseudo-drivel

Nothing is sudden, yet all is not still with The Driver.

-What is around the driver? What is it like behind the wheel? Does he grasp a stick shift as he pulls past the 100 mark on his speedometer? Do bright, colorful neon lights of a city rush past his point of view? Etc etc.


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EKublai
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Response to Critique for a piece based on Drive 2013-02-25 15:41:50 Reply

Why present tense? It makes the piece feel like you're just streaming exactly what you see on screen.

Why is this bad?

It is as though you are a computer, allowing the subject to control what you see. We don't want to see what was probably written in the treatment for the film by the screenwriter, http://www.imsdb.com/scripts/Drive.html

Note how similar you're writing is to this. As a writer, you want to make your own mark. Get us into the character like no one else has done before. I'm not a fan of fan-fiction, but if I were, I would immediately identify that aspect as the most interesting. The opportunity to examine the same characters through a differing lens.


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Spedmallet
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Response to Critique for a piece based on Drive 2013-02-25 17:28:46 Reply

At 2/25/13 03:41 PM, EKublai wrote: Why present tense? It makes the piece feel like you're just streaming exactly what you see on screen.

Shit can work, but I'd never use it since it's significantly more difficult to do right.


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