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Lamp Lighters - Chapter One.

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ChiiFace
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Lamp Lighters - Chapter One. 2013-02-20 04:31:39 Reply

So i thought of posting my fan-fic up here then decided i'd rather get some criticism for my more serious work.

After spending some time on these forums i've come to the conclusion that NG writing forum is an awful place to copy and paste your work onto. The colours alone make it diffecult to read and don't get me started on the punctuation bug.

I've read the forum rules, i'm posting a link to my blog. It's much easier on the eyes.

Here is the blurb for Lamp Lighters, if you wish to read on, please click here.

"It was five days before anyone knew what was happening. On the sixth day more than half of the countryâEUTMs population were completely wiped out. Before the week was out, no human above the age of 20 stood alive. The sheer shock that erupted from those few days brought chaos and outcry to a world on the brink of peace. We all watched, helpless, as our society disintegrated into nothing. Desolation and ruin replaced families and homes. The sobs of children drowned the nights, months after, and after the sobs came the silence of survivors. What is the first thing a child would do in a situation like this? When the bodies of your ancestors lay waste in the streets, in the shops, in our homes? In the weeks coming to pass, children began to starve and die. Then sure enough they began to fight and survive as their fathers would have. My name is Ellet Wilson and I am 18 years old. I will assure our survival."

Silverspecks
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Response to Lamp Lighters - Chapter One. 2013-02-20 09:54:37 Reply

The blurb reminds me of a book my brother read for school YEARS ago called "The Girl Who Owned a City." The basic premise of that story is that a virus sweeps the globe killing anyone over the age of thriteen or fourteen, and the children are left to continue society. I never read it myself, but I do remember that they eventually formed armies


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ChiiFace
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Response to Lamp Lighters - Chapter One. 2013-02-20 10:53:52 Reply

You have GOT to be kidding me.
Well i've never read the book but that's my concept down the drain. Months of work pretty much wasted. *Sigh* Back to the drawing board.
Thanks, my story is pretty much the book your brother read. Slight differences but same idea. Sucks someone had it first. Ah well.

ChiiFace
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Response to Lamp Lighters - Chapter One. 2013-02-20 11:13:56 Reply

Infact, I do have another concept. I wonder if i could merge the story so far. This requires more thought.

Silverspecks
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Response to Lamp Lighters - Chapter One. 2013-02-20 11:20:38 Reply

Hey! "Lamp Lighters" can still make for a killer story. Don't get caught up on not being the first to think of this idea. I'm sure "The Girl Who Owned a City" wasn't the first/isn't the only one of its kind either. The Newgrounds writing board isn't really a place to get stories published. It's a place to showcase our practice and get feedback to become better. And besides, original ideas these days are a rarity anyhow. I still want to read this story ChiiFace. But classes are starting soon, so in a bit.


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ChiiFace
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Response to Lamp Lighters - Chapter One. 2013-02-20 12:10:38 Reply

At 2/20/13 11:20 AM, silverspecks wrote: Hey! "Lamp Lighters" can still make for a killer story. Don't get caught up on not being the first to think of this idea. I'm sure "The Girl Who Owned a City" wasn't the first/isn't the only one of its kind either. The Newgrounds writing board isn't really a place to get stories published. It's a place to showcase our practice and get feedback to become better. And besides, original ideas these days are a rarity anyhow. I still want to read this story ChiiFace. But classes are starting soon, so in a bit.

Thanks so much Silverspecks! I've thought about what you've said and you're right. I will tweak the concept a little but the story is still there. I'm changing the blurb aswell. And the title. But i'm not starting from scratch. Have fun in class! (if that is at all possible) I look forward to your feedback.

ChiiFace
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Response to Lamp Lighters - Chapter One. 2013-02-20 12:14:19 Reply

For all new interesti have changed the blurb and tweaked the story. I don't know how to delete posts so i'll just mention the new blurb. The link to my blog is still the same. I am so damn indecisive.

"There is a legend that tells of two heroes. Selrah, hero of the darkness and Fellis, hero of the light. As the legend goes, the two had come to a disagreement and the world was cast into infinite darkness. Who do you think won?"
"Fellis?"
"Sweetheart, as dark as our world may seem there is always light seeping through the cracks. You only need to know where to find it."
"But the world is infinite darkness."
"Do not be blinded, Ellet. The war is not yet over."
My name is Ellet Wilson and I am 18 years old. My mother would tell me stories of legends that gave me hope. ItâEUTMs funny how hope in anything becomes stronger in times of distress. There is a breaking point, when all hope is lost. But as she used to say, the war is not yet over.

At 2/20/13 04:31 AM, ChiiFace wrote: So i thought of posting my fan-fic up here then decided i'd rather get some criticism for my more serious work.

After spending some time on these forums i've come to the conclusion that NG writing forum is an awful place to copy and paste your work onto. The colours alone make it diffecult to read and don't get me started on the punctuation bug.

I've read the forum rules, i'm posting a link to my blog. It's much easier on the eyes.

Here is the blurb for Lamp Lighters, if you wish to read on, please click here.

"It was five days before anyone knew what was happening. On the sixth day more than half of the countryâEUTMs population were completely wiped out. Before the week was out, no human above the age of 20 stood alive. The sheer shock that erupted from those few days brought chaos and outcry to a world on the brink of peace. We all watched, helpless, as our society disintegrated into nothing. Desolation and ruin replaced families and homes. The sobs of children drowned the nights, months after, and after the sobs came the silence of survivors. What is the first thing a child would do in a situation like this? When the bodies of your ancestors lay waste in the streets, in the shops, in our homes? In the weeks coming to pass, children began to starve and die. Then sure enough they began to fight and survive as their fathers would have. My name is Ellet Wilson and I am 18 years old. I will assure our survival."
Spedmallet
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Response to Lamp Lighters - Chapter One. 2013-02-20 14:22:24 Reply

At 2/20/13 10:53 AM, ChiiFace wrote: You have GOT to be kidding me.

Don't sweat it, to quote a writing guide I read; "Everything has been done before." Even children of men sort of does it in reverse.

You should only be worried about it if it's non-fiction, for example, if you wrote about a fictional rivalry between two actual historical figures and someone had done the same before.


Dr. Spedmund McMallet

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Silverspecks
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Response to Lamp Lighters - Chapter One. 2013-02-20 17:35:39 Reply

For as far as I've gotten, I have enjoyed reading it. You do an excellent job of portraying scenes and it reads very well. My only suggestion is that you might consider using paragraph breaks when shifting between the dialoque of different characters. That's just usually how it's been done in most books I've read. Doing a great job.


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ChiiFace
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Response to Lamp Lighters - Chapter One. 2013-02-21 08:37:05 Reply

At 2/20/13 05:35 PM, silverspecks wrote: For as far as I've gotten, I have enjoyed reading it. You do an excellent job of portraying scenes and it reads very well. My only suggestion is that you might consider using paragraph breaks when shifting between the dialoque of different characters. That's just usually how it's been done in most books I've read. Doing a great job.

Could not agree more. I had that pointed out to me last night aswell. So i've just been through quickly. My writing is improving as i go and i'm still learning. I'll remember it during chapter two, thanks so much for the read and the suggestion! Really appreciate it.

ChiiFace
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Response to Lamp Lighters - Chapter One. 2013-02-21 12:26:42 Reply

Chapter Two is now half way done, it's up aswell.

Silverspecks
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Response to Lamp Lighters - Chapter One. 2013-02-22 15:27:05 Reply

I finished reading chapter 1 (my last attempt I was WAY too damn tired) and I pretty much stand by what I said last time. The only thing I'll add is: maybe use the word "whilst" a bit more sparingly. I'm moving on to chapter 2 now.


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Silverspecks
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Response to Lamp Lighters - Chapter One. 2013-02-22 16:37:16 Reply

Read chapter two, still doing good! I loved the way you describe the moment of darkness. I'd like to know what the "spanner" is/looks like.


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ChiiFace
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Response to Lamp Lighters - Chapter One. 2013-02-23 04:17:56 Reply

At 2/22/13 04:37 PM, silverspecks wrote: Read chapter two, still doing good! I loved the way you describe the moment of darkness. I'd like to know what the "spanner" is/looks like.

Spanner? Hahaha! I'm from UK, where you come from its Wrench? :p
About the 'whilst' you're very right. And i'll keep it in mind when i'm going through and editing. Thanks a billion for having a look - really appreciate it!