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Laurie's Poems & Stuff

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Provoke
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Laurie's Poems & Stuff Feb. 11th, 2013 @ 11:53 PM Reply

I've been writing poems since I was a young girl, most of said poems have been thrown away but I still have a few that I treasure, and I still write poems to this day. I decided to showcase my poems and my other works in this here thread for reasons that I cannot remember in the slightest. My hope is to post at least one poem per week, more if I have time and the gusto required to write them. I may also post short stories and essays that I write, so I would like you to read and review my works.
This poem was made when I was fifthteen, so blarg.

Barrier Of Light
I believe the world will end
In darkness, a sudden black spread
Starting from the heart, into the head
Then into those who we hold dear
Our minds will soon bend
Bent by our fear

Sinking into destruction
The world fades, into the grey mists
People don't notice, as it twists
Into the sulken black night
Then came the obstruction
The shine of the light

littlegonkyboy
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Response to Laurie's Poems & Stuff Feb. 12th, 2013 @ 08:58 AM Reply

what can i say, creepy... but nice


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Response to Laurie's Poems & Stuff Feb. 14th, 2013 @ 08:20 AM Reply

Pretty interesting poem, although it could be extended. 74/100 honest score

I'll be looking forward to your future stuff, if there will be any.


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Response to Laurie's Poems & Stuff Feb. 14th, 2013 @ 12:49 PM Reply

At 2/11/13 11:53 PM, Provoke wrote: Barrier Of Light
I believe the world will end
In darkness, a sudden black spread
Starting from the heart, into the head
Then into those who we hold dear
Our minds will soon bend
Bent by our fear

Sinking into destruction
The world fades, into the grey mists
People don't notice, as it twists
Into the sulken black night
Then came the obstruction
The shine of the light

Yeah I'm with the other guy, 7/10; a bit too much of a 'darkness' feel. It's fairly well written though. It might be better if you:

Remove/replace the line 'sinking into destruction'
"In darness, a sudden black spread"- 'Sudden black' just doesn't sound good, how about 'veil'?
Try to tone down the word black for that matter. The rolling stones made it work, but it's very overdone.


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Provoke
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Response to Laurie's Poems & Stuff Feb. 16th, 2013 @ 12:57 AM Reply

Thanks guys, but I don't usually edit my poems, especially the ones I don't care much about. I still want you to review them, I'm just warning you I will not be making a "revised edition" of some of my stuff. Anyway, this one is a favourite of mine, although it is incomplete. I might make this into a song in the future, who knows lol.

So Fell Lord Perth
He walks alone on the field
Sufferer of a deadly deal
He looks upon the empty sky
And still wishes that he could fly

His wings burned out on the dead ground
This fool of wonder, his heavy crown
The king looks back and starts to cry
And still wishes that he could fly

Silverspecks
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Response to Laurie's Poems & Stuff Feb. 16th, 2013 @ 01:13 AM Reply

At 2/16/13 12:57 AM, Provoke wrote: Thanks guys, but I don't usually edit my poems, especially the ones I don't care much about. I still want you to review them, I'm just warning you I will not be making a "revised edition" of some of my stuff. Anyway, this one is a favourite of mine, although it is incomplete. I might make this into a song in the future, who knows lol.

So Fell Lord Perth
He walks alone on the field
Sufferer of a deadly deal
He looks upon the empty sky
And still wishes that he could fly

His wings burned out on the dead ground
This fool of wonder, his heavy crown
The king looks back and starts to cry
And still wishes that he could fly

You've done a good job of maintaining a constant rythm. I can read along while clapping my hands for tempo and not get thrown off. To me the second stanza seems a bit cryptic, so maybe the third could serve to elaborate it. I'm always a fan of an AABB rhyme scheme. I'm no poetry wiz. My college poetry class last semester whooped my ass lol.


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littlegonkyboy
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Response to Laurie's Poems & Stuff Feb. 17th, 2013 @ 12:19 PM Reply

At 2/16/13 12:57 AM, Provoke wrote:
So Fell Lord Perth
He walks alone on the field
Sufferer of a deadly deal
He looks upon the empty sky
And still wishes that he could fly

His wings burned out on the dead ground
This fool of wonder, his heavy crown
The king looks back and starts to cry
And still wishes that he could fly

i'm not so good at making rewiews, but i'll do my best...
i liked this one, and if i can say i also imagined some kind of scenario for this poetry (some kind of medieval style), the only problem (or not) it's that it's a little short... aniway keep it up, i like your poetry :-)
my vote... 80/100


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Response to Laurie's Poems & Stuff Feb. 19th, 2013 @ 01:57 PM Reply

NOT ENOUGH ALLEGORY


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Response to Laurie's Poems & Stuff Feb. 19th, 2013 @ 07:28 PM Reply

I see the stories you're painting with your poetry. I understand what you're trying to hit at. Which is good!
What i do suggest is that you extend them. For example, your first poem i really enjoyed the first half. Then it ended at the last sentance which is all well and good because the poem makes sense in itself. But i think you should just drag out your point a little more so i can really sink into it.
I was sinking into it then you ended it, i don't think it was at the right time.

I hope you understand where i'm coming from. I disagree with the other comments about it, i think it's an 8/10. You just need to really show us what you're capable of because i can see there are diamonds in there! ;)

Provoke
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Response to Laurie's Poems & Stuff Feb. 20th, 2013 @ 03:11 PM Reply

At 2/19/13 01:57 PM, Sevkat wrote: NOT ENOUGH ALLEGORY

The day I listen to your advice on poetry is the day you stop watching anime.

At 2/19/13 07:28 PM, ChiiFace wrote: stuff

Thanks, I've really throwing away a ton of poems I feel are shit, so the ones you see are the acceptable ones.

Provoke
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Response to Laurie's Poems & Stuff Feb. 20th, 2013 @ 03:21 PM Reply

Also song lyrics I made, woop woop

Pull Me In
Faded sign
On the road
You can't see
You can't hear

Catch the line
Ah la mode
I can't see
I can't hear

Somebody
Pull me in
Anybody
Pull me in

Toxic gas
Breath it in
I hate you
I just hate

Bleeding past
Drown in sin
You hate me
You just hate

Somebody
Pull me in
Anybody
Pull me in

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Response to Laurie's Poems & Stuff Feb. 20th, 2013 @ 05:05 PM Reply

What genre of music would those lyrics be set to?


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Response to Laurie's Poems & Stuff Feb. 20th, 2013 @ 05:39 PM Reply

At 2/20/13 05:05 PM, silverspecks wrote: What genre of music would those lyrics be set to?

drone rock, acoustic based.

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Response to Laurie's Poems & Stuff Feb. 21st, 2013 @ 01:13 AM Reply

At 2/20/13 05:39 PM, Provoke wrote: drone rock, acoustic based.

I'm unfamiliar with that genre. Are there any popular examples?


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DeftAndEvil
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Response to Laurie's Poems & Stuff Feb. 23rd, 2013 @ 05:17 PM Reply

At 2/16/13 12:57 AM, Provoke wrote: Thanks guys, but I don't usually edit my poems, especially the ones I don't care much about.

There's so much wrong with this. Poems are simple by nature--much simpler than prose. It's that simplicity that allows them to be complex (paradox, woo). It's important to continue to refine poetry so that each syllable is perfect and it reads like you want it to read. That being said, poetry doesn't take much work to edit or refine. If you don't even attempt to fix it, then you don't care about it. If you don't care about it, then don't share it. You should always bring 100% effort to the forum, especially if you are going to share it with fellow writers. It doesn't have to be perfect, but please have some courtesy.


So Fell Lord Perth
He walks alone on the field
Sufferer of a deadly deal

This poem has a very formal tone, so I would expect a pedantic structure and presentation. There is very little structure or attention to some of the finer points of prosody. "Sufferer" sticks out too much. The use of rhythm and language are so important in poetry.

He looks upon the empty sky
And still wishes that he could fly

A cliche. "Look at the sky, wish I could fly." This seems like an important aspect of this poem (I would recommend a short vignette, or a longer "epic" poem. This is so ... insubstantial.


His wings burned out on the dead ground
This fool of wonder, his heavy crown

This seems to allude to something, but at this point, I don't care. The character isn't pathetic; there's no presentation of hubris; there's no catharsis for the reader. These are all elements of a tragedy, but they can be incorporated into anything. Furthermore, there's no resolution. There's a bit of playfulness with language, but it doesn't really do anything to push an idea, or convey emotion.

The king looks back and starts to cry
And still wishes that he could fly

Looks back at what? The sky? Because there's a problem with direction here (it should be vertical, but here it seems horizontal).

Anyway, I can't really recommend anything to make this poem better, other than to ponder what you want to convey, and develop it and refine it.


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Giving out reviews to anyone who wants them (exception: poems. I'll find you).

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