My Wip

[OfBeauties]

http://www.mediafire.com/view/?35lxxbard33t6ge

I'm currently writing a book off and on. I haven't touched it since December, since I'm trying to get some feedback on what I have so far. I'm willing to trade critiques for critiques or reviews depending on the size of your work.

[Maltos]

At 2/9/13 03:25 PM, OfBeauties wrote: http://www.mediafire.com/view/?35lxxbard33t6ge

I'm currently writing a book off and on. I haven't touched it since December, since I'm trying to get some feedback on what I have so far. I'm willing to trade critiques for critiques or reviews depending on the size of your work.

I read your story and there isnt much detail and the dialogue between characters needs alot of work. My biggest problem with the story is the 8th castle stayed kept and presentable but no one had been seen there yet no one ever questioned it's existence exept for an eleven year old girl with a dying brother. In a world of such darkness where the word (nice) is used more to describe a person that causes no harm, an eleven year old girl would be missed if she were gone for more than an hour. This story has potential, what i enjoyed was way you used sin to describe a world with nothing but sin. Being in the middle of 8 castles with nothing but darkness and no one willing to give information it would be a frustrating situation but i didnt feel that with the main character. Lastly the 8th castle holding hope, a hope that would be willing to help anyone, i wonder why would hope lock intself into a castle that screems Good Guy Over Here! At the same time the lock on the door can only be opened with the seven keys guarded by sins in the other castels.

Keep working on it i know how a work in progress can be i hope i wasnt too hard on your story and i look forward to reading more from you

[OfBeauties]

At 2/9/13 10:05 PM, Maltos wrote:

At 2/9/13 03:25 PM, OfBeauties wrote: http://www.mediafire.com/view/?35lxxbard33t6ge

I'm currently writing a book off and on. I haven't touched it since December, since I'm trying to get some feedback on what I have so far. I'm willing to trade critiques for critiques or reviews depending on the size of your work.

I read your story and there isnt much detail and the dialogue between characters needs alot of work. My biggest problem with the story is the 8th castle stayed kept and presentable but no one had been seen there yet no one ever questioned it's existence exept for an eleven year old girl with a dying brother. In a world of such darkness where the word (nice) is used more to describe a person that causes no harm, an eleven year old girl would be missed if she were gone for more than an hour. This story has potential, what i enjoyed was way you used sin to describe a world with nothing but sin. Being in the middle of 8 castles with nothing but darkness and no one willing to give information it would be a frustrating situation but i didnt feel that with the main character. Lastly the 8th castle holding hope, a hope that would be willing to help anyone, i wonder why would hope lock intself into a castle that screems Good Guy Over Here! At the same time the lock on the door can only be opened with the seven keys guarded by sins in the other castels.

Keep working on it i know how a work in progress can be i hope i wasnt too hard on your story and i look forward to reading more from you

I needed somebody to be hard on me. Too many people just saying "Nice story" really doesn't help, ya know?

-Dialogue. I added the souls just for that. Will have some memories come back from conversations between Dianam and Cavin, so I'll note the need for more descriptions. Looking over the intro again, I can see that it could used beefed up. I'm too used to writing short stories, I guess...

-Detail. I kick myself for over and over. I've literally been going over it in layers. Write a bit, re-read add details. Write a bit, re-read, add detail. Let it sit. Re-read, add details. Were there any particular points that needed it? I haven't added any since before she met the first sin, and I plan on going over what I have again sometime soon. If a particular chunk needs work, I'll be sure to give it extra attention.

-Questioning the eight castle. I could elaborate on that as well. I mean, people will muse over it, but there's no one out there for them to pillage. Fear might be keeping most of the me away, in case it were a greater sin. I could definitely think on that.

-Dianam missing. I can't really tie that in too much with the story, because it's all in Dianam's point of view. Her mom can't exactly leave a sick kid to look for her. Besides, one less mouth to feed. This gets more worked into the story when a Sin tries to turn Dianam to the dark side, so to speak.

-Lack of frustration. I'll tie this in when I fluff up the intro a bit. Dianam is actually very influenced by Alice from Alice in Wonderland in term of mannerisms, but unlike Alice, Dianam has to be optimistic, more for her brother's sake than anything. Also, as children, this darkness is all they've known. I suppose I can use some of the older villagers as a juxtapose...

-Good guy locking his shiz? No way. Can't say too much without ruining the story. I'm just gonna point out that I never said there WAS a good guy in there. Dianam just thinks there is ;D

I really appreciate this, Maltos. Been trying to get some constructive feedback, but everyone's too busy. I can understand that, being a full time worker, and a musician, and a student, and a project manager, and whatever else I'm doing this particular week. Thanks for giving me something to work off of. I knew I could improve, and needed some ideas.

Do you need anything critqued? I can definitely help :D

[Maltos]

At 2/9/13 11:26 PM, OfBeauties wrote:

At 2/9/13 10:05 PM, Maltos wrote:

At 2/9/13 03:25 PM, OfBeauties wrote: http://www.mediafire.com/view/?35lxxbard33t6ge

I'm currently writing a book off and on. I haven't touched it since December, since I'm trying to get some feedback on what I have so far. I'm willing to trade critiques for critiques or reviews depending on the size of your work.

I read your story and there isnt much detail and the dialogue between characters needs alot of work. My biggest problem with the story is the 8th castle stayed kept and presentable but no one had been seen there yet no one ever questioned it's existence exept for an eleven year old girl with a dying brother. In a world of such darkness where the word (nice) is used more to describe a person that causes no harm, an eleven year old girl would be missed if she were gone for more than an hour. This story has potential, what i enjoyed was way you used sin to describe a world with nothing but sin. Being in the middle of 8 castles with nothing but darkness and no one willing to give information it would be a frustrating situation but i didnt feel that with the main character. Lastly the 8th castle holding hope, a hope that would be willing to help anyone, i wonder why would hope lock intself into a castle that screems Good Guy Over Here! At the same time the lock on the door can only be opened with the seven keys guarded by sins in the other castels.

Keep working on it i know how a work in progress can be i hope i wasnt too hard on your story and i look forward to reading more from you

I needed somebody to be hard on me. Too many people just saying "Nice story" really doesn't help, ya know?

-Dialogue. I added the souls just for that. Will have some memories come back from conversations between Dianam and Cavin, so I'll note the need for more descriptions. Looking over the intro again, I can see that it could used beefed up. I'm too used to writing short stories, I guess...

-Detail. I kick myself for over and over. I've literally been going over it in layers. Write a bit, re-read add details. Write a bit, re-read, add detail. Let it sit. Re-read, add details. Were there any particular points that needed it? I haven't added any since before she met the first sin, and I plan on going over what I have again sometime soon. If a particular chunk needs work, I'll be sure to give it extra attention.

-Questioning the eight castle. I could elaborate on that as well. I mean, people will muse over it, but there's no one out there for them to pillage. Fear might be keeping most of the me away, in case it were a greater sin. I could definitely think on that.

-Dianam missing. I can't really tie that in too much with the story, because it's all in Dianam's point of view. Her mom can't exactly leave a sick kid to look for her. Besides, one less mouth to feed. This gets more worked into the story when a Sin tries to turn Dianam to the dark side, so to speak.

-Lack of frustration. I'll tie this in when I fluff up the intro a bit. Dianam is actually very influenced by Alice from Alice in Wonderland in term of mannerisms, but unlike Alice, Dianam has to be optimistic, more for her brother's sake than anything. Also, as children, this darkness is all they've known. I suppose I can use some of the older villagers as a juxtapose...

-Good guy locking his shiz? No way. Can't say too much without ruining the story. I'm just gonna point out that I never said there WAS a good guy in there. Dianam just thinks there is ;D

I really appreciate this, Maltos. Been trying to get some constructive feedback, but everyone's too busy. I can understand that, being a full time worker, and a musician, and a student, and a project manager, and whatever else I'm doing this particular week. Thanks for giving me something to work off of. I knew I could improve, and needed some ideas.

Do you need anything critqued? I can definitely help :D

Alice in wonderland, that makes more sense coming from the author but as I'm reading the story i want to know what she's thinking, how she's feeling i want to know the real nitty gritty. Such as her pain for her brother, so perhaps on her way to the 8th castle throw in a back drop of what illness cavin is suffering. I want to sympathize with Dianam by knowing what she has really been through. I think maybe the story goes a little too fast, i would like to see you build Dianam's character more. As for parts that need some (fluffing) i'd suggest describing the village more and making that Days journey to the 8th castle longer by filling the page with conflicing thoughts of her want to help her brother and elaborate a bit more on how her mother's words give her doubt. I like that Dianam uses new words that she hears but i'd like to see that flow into the story more. Thanks for pointing out that she only thinks Hope is in the 8th castle but i think it points too much that hope is in the castle that could just be her thought process and if so then thats just me over thinking it. When it comes to the sin Lust, that sin should be far more lustfull. We are talking about the one embodyment of sin itself so go all out with that character make lust gross,greedy and selfish and dont forget to go all out, dont be afraid to push the limits due to explicit behavior. One last point, as she is leaving the village i really want to see through her eyes to be able to see the dispair and hoplessness that surrounds her, things that motivate her to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

If this has been helpfull or you have other questions post again and ill get back to you i look forward to reading the revised copy

[Maltos]

oh and as for a story of my own i do have one but i keep it very close maybe ill post some of it up here and i would like an opinion

[OfBeauties]

This book is odd in who it targets, so as far as Lust being more lusty, I'm going to have to hold back. I want this book to be full on insinuations, but something that a child could read. Hopefully a child would read it and see an adventure novel, while adults read it and see corrution and decay. That was the whole idea behind the book.

As for backdrops, I think I have a good idea.

Thanks again, Maltos!

[Maltos]

At 2/10/13 12:13 AM, OfBeauties wrote:

As for backdrops, I think I have a good idea.

Thanks again, Maltos!

no problem good luck