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TheInnerScience
TheInnerScience
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Human Creatures Jan. 27th, 2013 @ 04:13 PM Reply

Human Creatures:

Nuclear bombs leave the lands in a desolate waste,
The flooding mustard gas leaves such a bitter taste.
Titans of industry spill corporate blood,
While their heels grind the serfs into the mud.

One man proposes change, but falls short.
Others follow him, despite the nasty retorts.
A world now in peace,
Made from their fleece.

Towns everywhere celebrate in joy,
A woman makes a man from a boy.
She is found a whore,
And is thought of no more.

A world that lies to itself will fall,
Even with the protests of all.

A soldier faces a bullet for a nation in deprivation,
A firefighter gives his life to save girl in suffocation.
They pass from the world without a thought,
Some willingly call this peace, but I can not.

So smoke away at your fags and drunkenly raise the flag,
Repeating words you dont understand as if it is just a rag.
But it is all fine as long there is pride.
Never mind how ignorance brands your hide.

This world is just a repetition,
Looking for war in peace for its fixation
We have not earned our death,
Only the right to suffer with each breath.


"Zombie of the mind, craves food for thought."

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Gandwana
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Response to Human Creatures Jan. 28th, 2013 @ 03:49 AM Reply

At 1/27/13 04:13 PM, TheInnerScience wrote: Human Creatures:

Nuclear bombs leave the lands in a desolate waste,
The flooding mustard gas leaves such a bitter taste.
Titans of industry spill corporate blood,
While their heels grind the serfs into the mud.

One man proposes change, but falls short.
Others follow him, despite the nasty retorts.
A world now in peace,
Made from their fleece.

Towns everywhere celebrate in joy,
A woman makes a man from a boy.
She is found a whore,
And is thought of no more.

A world that lies to itself will fall,
Even with the protests of all.

A soldier faces a bullet for a nation in deprivation,
A firefighter gives his life to save girl in suffocation.
They pass from the world without a thought,
Some willingly call this peace, but I can not.

So smoke away at your fags and drunkenly raise the flag,
Repeating words you dont understand as if it is just a rag.
But it is all fine as long there is pride.
Never mind how ignorance brands your hide.

This world is just a repetition,
Looking for war in peace for its fixation
We have not earned our death,
Only the right to suffer with each breath.

Lemme just start off by saying I liked the sort of dystopic vibe you were going for. But, I dunno I just felt like something was missing. It's hard to explain and I don't really think I have the appropriate knowledge to critique you. I feel like it would benefit from having another dynamic to it. I guess if it was me maybe I would try to give it a bit of hopefullness in there somewhere. Something to instill more emotion than just suffering. Maybe try and imagine how you'd feel in that situation. Ecchhh- I feel like I'm being too harsh. lol Keep those creative juices floin' mah man :P

TheInnerScience
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Response to Human Creatures Jan. 28th, 2013 @ 08:24 AM Reply

Naw, I see what your saying. Thanks for the review.


"Zombie of the mind, craves food for thought."

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Spedmallet
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Response to Human Creatures Jan. 29th, 2013 @ 01:40 AM Reply

very hit and miss- some lines I like some I don't. I think the ones ending with retort and fleece seemed the weakest; retort just isn't a good world and fleece is not a good metaphor for a human recipient.
Dunno, took a stab at it real quick.

One man proposes changes, the promise falls deep.
The followers flood ranges, as if hordes of sheep.
A world now in peace,
Made from their fleece.

Poetry isn't my thing so in hindsight I'll probably hate it.


Dr. Spedmund McMallet

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TheInnerScience
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Response to Human Creatures Jan. 29th, 2013 @ 06:13 PM Reply

Thats not bad.
Just trying to understand why you would critique something you dont feel any liking to. Thanks for the review.


"Zombie of the mind, craves food for thought."

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Regularman
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Response to Human Creatures Feb. 2nd, 2013 @ 10:49 AM Reply

Are you high man?

TheInnerScience
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Response to Human Creatures Feb. 2nd, 2013 @ 04:22 PM Reply

Haha, only when the occasion calls for it.


"Zombie of the mind, craves food for thought."

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Regularman
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Response to Human Creatures Feb. 4th, 2013 @ 10:52 PM Reply

you should make another poem that is entitled "Animal Creatures"

TheInnerScience
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Response to Human Creatures Feb. 4th, 2013 @ 10:57 PM Reply

Omg bro, you just blew my mind!


"Zombie of the mind, craves food for thought."

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Regularman
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Response to Human Creatures Feb. 4th, 2013 @ 11:05 PM Reply

oh dear. hahahaha