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Critique my poetry.

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iTzPhilip
iTzPhilip
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Critique my poetry. Jan. 21st, 2013 @ 06:12 AM Reply

Hello, newgrounds. I have written a poem for the school's magazine. The magazine is in english but the school is not in an english-speaking country and so am I. With those being said my primary language is not english and i'm merely trying to publish in a minor magazine with a poem. The poem is as follows:

Title is Ambiguity of Art

Ambiguity has collapsed
On pillars of humanity,
And so, has logic maddened
Leaving salvation in art.

But art is a repellent
As brushes paint with white,
While pencils scribble nonsense,
And music falls apart.

YouâEUTMre left to fade away, now
To pay your sins with mind,
As you cannot depart
From the Ambiguity of Art.

Opinions, please.

iTzPhilip
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Response to Critique my poetry. Jan. 27th, 2013 @ 02:56 PM Reply

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Spedmallet
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Response to Critique my poetry. Jan. 29th, 2013 @ 01:56 AM Reply

it's really difficult to say. You're not trying to rhyme which is ok but you don't seem to keep the syllables in tact with each other either. It seems mildly inconsistent with the ideas sort of jumping around and not entirely having to do much with each other.

It's alright for something written in a language that isn't your main, but I'd need a fluent grasp in Spanish before I tried writing a poem in it. You should study English syntax a little more if you want better creative writing.


Dr. Spedmund McMallet

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MistaRasta
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Response to Critique my poetry. Feb. 6th, 2013 @ 09:04 AM Reply

I think my biggest issue with the poem is is lack of flow. Each line seems very short and abrupt and the poem ends suddenly. If you used more beautiful and poetic words (which I understand would be more difficult for a non native speaker) or simply filled out some lines with more words, the poem might have more substance and fluidity.

I like that the poem ends on a rhyme, and this often can have great effect, but once again the ending is abrupt and this detracts from its profoundity and impact. Here is an example of the last stanza from an Australian poem:

I stare
At the photograph
And refuse to answer
The voices
Of red gables
And a cloudless sky
On the rivers bank
A lone tree whispers
We will meet
Before you die

Notice how these last lines seem to echo and resonate in your brain? They do so because 1. They rhyme and 2. They flow seamlessly into one another. If you could achieve a similar effect that would be awesome.

I hope this has been of some help.