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Critique my Shitty Writing

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ngmastah
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Critique my Shitty Writing Jan. 7th, 2013 @ 10:11 PM Reply

So, I recently read some Chuck Palahniuk books, as well as, Brave New World and I was inspired to write something about consumerism, capitalism, and shit like that. This is what I have so far, not really planning on writing a novel or anything but it'd be awesome if I could get some critique/direction on where to go with this, if I should really go anywhere with it at all.

I walk briskly down the hallway, observing the absolute beauty of the hotel. Unlike the unenlightened, I am not confused about the aesthetic nature of my surroundings. Every object in this hallway, down to the finest detail is a product. A delicately crafted product, created by an infinite amount of consumers, and an infinite amount of competition. Because of this very reason, all these products are at their absolute best; molded, shaped, and sculpted by one of the strongest human emotions that exists, the desire to best another man. This quality shows; these products appear smoother, sleeker, and much more pleasing to the eye than the crude, chaotic shapes of the natural world. Yes, there is not a single star in the universe that can shine as bright as the TESLA© bulbs that dangle and sparkle overhead of me. Just like how the lighting fixtures have more radiance than the brightest stars, the serene and calming nature of the white walls around me also possess a similar effect. Yes, there is nothing in the universe that is cleaner than the speck-free walls around me, created with the most perfect dimensions and size ratios, these walls epitomize the standard of perfection society has today. But I am not separated from this seemingly-perfect world, my white, double-breasted Desiderio suit-jacket, and matching dress pants made with HYDPK material is the flawless complement to this hallway. It is as if the material world and I are one, both immaculate, cool objects that counterpart each other. This is why I enjoy my job so much, I am able to spend so much time in settings that reflect my personality.
But enough about the allure that both the hallway and I share, I must get on with my task, for if I get distracted, the transaction will be cancelled. I stop, and see the room number 'one zero four' right in front of me, slowly, I open my suitcase from Perfezione, admiring the golden trim outlining the edges of the suitcase, which complements the solid, jet-black, leather exterior. What lies within my suitcase, is perhaps the most fascinating piece of technology I have seen, it is a MAG 3025 MAG-FIELD© Powered Gauss Rifle, capable of disassembling a man in seconds. I take the three separate pieces and put them together to give life to a weapon that will be used to take lives. I carefully close my suit case, and place it against the wall, I proceed to check my SOLAREX© watch, it is 11:59 pm, one minute early for the assassination. Being the punctual and polite man that I am, I wait an extra minute (For my contract states that the assassination take place at 12:00 AM), this is the point when I break down the door, staring eye-to-eye with my target who appears calm; apathetic to my sudden, unexpected entrance. Predictable behavior. In an instant, the man who was once a living breathing human being is dead, the skull which once housed his very personality, his very being is now merely a remnant of its original form, what remains is bone fragments, blood, and brain matter. Although the entire room is covered by his bodily fluids, I remain untouched. Thanks to the ultra-hydrophobic material my Desiderio suit is made of, all the blood that came into contact with my suit merely slid off, as if I didn't commit the act at all. The suit was very expensive, but it provides a barrier for me, seperating my clean, sterile appearance from the bloody and dirty work that I do. Even in death the man appears very calm. No one puts up a fight anymore, in a future where everything has a price, everyone has an expiry date.
The deed is done, I check my Orange (c) 60 TB Phone with LiteSpeed and check the LIBERTY (c) banking application. Excellent, a sum of five thousand dollars has been recently added to my bank account. Now that my target has expired, it is also time for its perpetrator to retire as well, I being to slowly take apart my rifle while appreciating it's aesthetic shape and appearance. I am pleased with the brand of firearms that I use. While many other weapons manufacturer's attempt to create a "personal" feel by making parts of their weapon's handcrafted, MAG (c) persists in crafting their firearms through only the use of machines. This is exceptional in that these weapons lack that risk of human error that others might possess. I place the rifle carefully into my briefcase, and then proceed to imprison it once again.


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MatchboxDan
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Response to Critique my Shitty Writing Jan. 8th, 2013 @ 12:22 AM Reply

At 1/7/13 10:11 PM, ngmastah wrote: So, I recently read some Chuck Palahniuk books, as well as, Brave New World and I was inspired to write something about consumerism, capitalism, and shit like that. This is what I have so far, not really planning on writing a novel or anything but it'd be awesome if I could get some critique/direction on where to go with this, if I should really go anywhere with it at all.

I walk briskly down the hallway, observing the absolute beauty of the hotel. Unlike the unenlightened, I am not confused about the aesthetic nature of my surroundings. Every object in this hallway, down to the finest detail is a product. A delicately crafted product, created by an infinite amount of consumers, and an infinite amount of competition. Because of this very reason, all these products are at their absolute best; molded, shaped, and sculpted by one of the strongest human emotions that exists, the desire to best another man. This quality shows; these products appear smoother, sleeker, and much more pleasing to the eye than the crude, chaotic shapes of the natural world. Yes, there is not a single star in the universe that can shine as bright as the TESLAÃ'© bulbs that dangle and sparkle overhead of me. Just like how the lighting fixtures have more radiance than the brightest stars, the serene and calming nature of the white walls around me also possess a similar effect. Yes, there is nothing in the universe that is cleaner than the speck-free walls around me, created with the most perfect dimensions and size ratios, these walls epitomize the standard of perfection society has today. But I am not separated from this seemingly-perfect world, my white, double-breasted Desiderio suit-jacket, and matching dress pants made with HYDPK material is the flawless complement to this hallway. It is as if the material world and I are one, both immaculate, cool objects that counterpart each other. This is why I enjoy my job so much, I am able to spend so much time in settings that reflect my personality.
But enough about the allure that both the hallway and I share, I must get on with my task, for if I get distracted, the transaction will be cancelled. I stop, and see the room number 'one zero four' right in front of me, slowly, I open my suitcase from Perfezione, admiring the golden trim outlining the edges of the suitcase, which complements the solid, jet-black, leather exterior. What lies within my suitcase, is perhaps the most fascinating piece of technology I have seen, it is a MAG 3025 MAG-FIELDÃ'© Powered Gauss Rifle, capable of disassembling a man in seconds. I take the three separate pieces and put them together to give life to a weapon that will be used to take lives. I carefully close my suit case, and place it against the wall, I proceed to check my SOLAREXÃ'© watch, it is 11:59 pm, one minute early for the assassination. Being the punctual and polite man that I am, I wait an extra minute (For my contract states that the assassination take place at 12:00 AM), this is the point when I break down the door, staring eye-to-eye with my target who appears calm; apathetic to my sudden, unexpected entrance. Predictable behavior. In an instant, the man who was once a living breathing human being is dead, the skull which once housed his very personality, his very being is now merely a remnant of its original form, what remains is bone fragments, blood, and brain matter. Although the entire room is covered by his bodily fluids, I remain untouched. Thanks to the ultra-hydrophobic material my Desiderio suit is made of, all the blood that came into contact with my suit merely slid off, as if I didn't commit the act at all. The suit was very expensive, but it provides a barrier for me, seperating my clean, sterile appearance from the bloody and dirty work that I do. Even in death the man appears very calm. No one puts up a fight anymore, in a future where everything has a price, everyone has an expiry date.
The deed is done, I check my Orange (c) 60 TB Phone with LiteSpeed and check the LIBERTY (c) banking application. Excellent, a sum of five thousand dollars has been recently added to my bank account. Now that my target has expired, it is also time for its perpetrator to retire as well, I being to slowly take apart my rifle while appreciating it's aesthetic shape and appearance. I am pleased with the brand of firearms that I use. While many other weapons manufacturer's attempt to create a "personal" feel by making parts of their weapon's handcrafted, MAG (c) persists in crafting their firearms through only the use of machines. This is exceptional in that these weapons lack that risk of human error that others might possess. I place the rifle carefully into my briefcase, and then proceed to imprison it once again.

Well, as a (I assume) young writer you're definitely gonna hear this type of criticism a lot. I do. You're real verbose, which is great, but this can also seriously harm the quality of your flow. It's easy to get overzealous with flowery language as a young writer, especially as an avid reader- it's something schools tend to beat into us as well. But if you really want to create an interesting story, or any kind of serious piece of writing for that matter, and have the reader's focus drawn to the idea rather than your impressive vocabulary and cleverness, you need to get over that shit and place yourself and your style in the background. Because right now, your story is taking a backseat to you. Cut the fat, and just tell the story. With practice, you and your style will emerge naturally, no matter how lean you write.

Some examples of what I mean: "Then proceed to imprison it once again." "These walls epitomize the standard of perfection society has today." "The suit was very expensive, but it provides a barrier for me, seperating my clean, sterile appearance from the bloody and dirty work that I do." So much for saying so little. What's more, it sounds flimsy, non-committal. Like you don't trust that you have something to say, so you hide it with migraine-inducing layers of fluff and adjectives. You don't have to write everything like it's a script for an action movie either, but you can certainly find some middle ground

This heavy articulation is especially noticeable in your character's internal monologue, which, now that I look, is apparently the whole thing. Know why? Because nobody talks or thinks like this. That's why I couldn't even tell that all of it was him talking. Because it's not him talking, it's you writing. And you're having way too much fun with it too, at our expense: those painfully long descriptive paragraphs that feel like they were written by some guy in a marketing firm completely kill your pacing. Not to mention your main character.

All in all, it's not shit. I mean in the grand scheme of things it's shit, but everyone's beginnings are. It's a good start. As to whether you should do something further with this in particular, it's hard to say because, once again, despite your wordiness, you didn't convey too much of a character or an idea, you more showed off a little masturbation. Which we all do from time to time- it's healthy. It seems like you have a good imagination, and the ability to have a lot of fun with your writing.

The whole naming a brand every five seconds is a little strange. I'm not going to say don't do that, it might just be a part of the story's style, but I will say it could probably be implemented in a less jarring way.

If you're serious about writing, and you wanna do up the form well, I strongly recommend Strunk and White's (EB White of Charlotte's Web) Elements of Style. It's small, a bit old, and pure fucking gold. Seriously, it can only help your writing. Every writer should have that book.

PIED3
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Response to Critique my Shitty Writing Jan. 8th, 2013 @ 08:06 PM Reply

I think the worst thing about it is that it's not clear who's being addressed. If it's supposed to be an internal monologue why on earth would he say:

This is why I enjoy my job so much, I am able to spend so much time in settings that reflect my personality.

That's the sort of thing you'd only say if you were talking to somebody else.
Again it makes no sense to say:

But enough about the allure that both the hallway and I share, I must get on with my task, for if I get distracted, the transaction will be cancelled.

if you were actually in a rush and trying to get focused. If you want to show the character quickly removing superfluous thoughts and concentrating then don't say "I must stop thinking distracting things and instead focus on the task that it is very important I do not get distracted from"! Instead try cutting down to the bare essentials: "I stop at 104 and get the gun from my suitcase". Of course there is a risk of going from one extreme to the other but leaving a little room to the readers imagination and trusting they'll catch your drift should make your writing more palatable.


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MatchboxDan
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Response to Critique my Shitty Writing Jan. 8th, 2013 @ 08:44 PM Reply

I think it's supposed to be like a narration, but I agree it's confusing.

EKublai
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Response to Critique my Shitty Writing Feb. 21st, 2013 @ 10:41 AM Reply

Once you get going, I like it, especially with the inclusion of the brands. I can't really establish any sort of connection between the protagonist's and that particular idiosyncrasy, but it's unusual. It sounds a lot like American Psycho.

My one HUGE criticism is that the beginning is very overwrought in a way I don't think agrees with the character you're establishing. He declares all others unenlightened and yet he is bound by all these worldly brand names and I am sure, given his line of work, he is very aware of this contradiction. It seems more like a failing on your part as a writer. If he is as sociopathic as he seems, than try to portray that arrogance a little more matter-of-factly rather than in the long-winded fashion you have done here.


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