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Janseus The Mad (lf Feedback)

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MarkTheWanderer
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Janseus The Mad (lf Feedback) Dec. 26th, 2012 @ 07:12 PM Reply

He wasn't always "Mad" like they all say he was,in fact he was perfectly sane to most in another time.His only problem was he had all the answers yet no question.Most don't know what to do with this "Gift" but Janseus knew well,from the moment the dark entity entered his room at the fresh age of 14.The spirit spoke in a almost mocking tone of voice,happy yet sad,cleaver yet dull.

"Do you know why I am here boy?"
Janseus looked up at the dark entity glowing a light violet color,sound almost being swallowed by its presence,time almost being bent to its very will.Just to feel the power of it was so enthralling,Janseus had soiled himself and stood up and looked into the demons eyes,or maybe its belly buttons...
"No,but I know who you are"
"Of course you do you fool,you summoned me..."
"Ar...Aren't you supposed to grant me great power now?"
The entity scoffed at the boy,then leaned over,its humanoid shape twisted into all sorts of forms in a matter of seconds as he crawled closer through the thinning air,a strange odor came over Janseus,either his urine or this Demons scent,either way it made him sick and uneasy.
"No,that's just whats written in that book of yours,but I can give you my gift,most mortals cant handle it though I warn you"
Janseus looked the Demon in its...Head...Area...Then said,I accept your gift then.
"As you wish mortal,good luck to you..."
The Demon laughed as its many hands grabbed Janseus and brought him closer and closer into the void that was the Demons form,like a hug but not as loving.

Janseus fell through the void,his psyche dipped into the well of Madness and submerged long enough to feel at home in it,his body had grown to a grown man,his frame doubled in size.He felt his flesh stretch out but it was not painful,a feeling that could not be described in the Human tongue,His eyes widened and dark circles subtly formed under his bright green eyes.His hair began to fall out leaving a fresh buzzed military look.He was a Man now,lost into the never ending pools of insanity yet,he saw a light,unlike most who fall into this He thought to go to it,and he did.

Janseus harshly awakened by a very attractive Nurse after being aggressively shaken.
"Oh thank the elders your awake!"
The Nurse stood over him,sweat dripping from her netted hair.
"Please Sir,you need to show up to the courts today,the people must see there King"
Janseus smirked...The many voices in his mind silenced,the many being in his chambers glared at him,and the mysterious Demon laughed as he climbed out of the window.

So began The Chronicles of the Mad King

(Tell me what I should add/change/scrap/or call me a retard in the comments,many thanks!)


Mark the Wanderer

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mhzinski
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Response to Janseus The Mad (lf Feedback) Dec. 26th, 2012 @ 08:12 PM Reply

The writing is all very half-baked in the sense that the author took it out of the oven before the story was full formed and solidified. A lot of the information seems to be accepted on a de-facto basis without enough context to allow the reader to suspend their disbelief, as if the story unfolding is so obviously common it would be nonsensical to expect anything else to happen. On top of the the humor is very forced and doesn't seem to make sense with the remainder of the tone of the story, so I don't know what tone was the original and which was imposed upon the story more.

In any case, a story with something epic happen should perhaps be a bit more patient or have humbler beginnings if it wasn't trying to alienate almost all of its readers.

MarkTheWanderer
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Response to Janseus The Mad (lf Feedback) Dec. 27th, 2012 @ 09:45 PM Reply

Agreed,thanks for the honest help,im just trying to stick my hand in writing a bit.I have had a few ideas floating around in mind for a while now,I may try a stronger and more though out approach next time


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TrevorW
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Response to Janseus The Mad (lf Feedback) Dec. 29th, 2012 @ 12:04 AM Reply

The idea isn't half bad and the plot could be rather compelling, if the story was laid out properly. I will not restate what has already been stated. I will add that I would probably include this later in my story, if it were in fact my story. This would serve better as a flashback, as it would give greater depth to a character as opposed to creating a very confusing introduction to one. This bit here reminds me of the opening sequences to most children's shows (eg: Thundercats, ect).


Failure should push you until success can pull you.

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