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Here is Day One of my project: 10 Days.
Take a look at my face, you may never see it again.
Not that anyone cares about a mannequin looking in.
I will just slowly shuffle along the city of endless night,
Avoiding the shadows creeping from the billboardâEUTMs light.
When the cityâEUTMs heart craves the alcohol of the moon,
It lifts the bottle and dances with a drunken swoon.
And as everyone raises their glasses in a cheer,
I will casually fade from their minds till I disappear.
Maybe in the dark I will find a soul worth the kiss,
But perhaps the sweet ignorance is my true bliss.
Another memory in the crowd,
Another faceless shroud.
A stranger can pass through,
And no one would have a clue.
Excuse the typo with billboards. I won't use an apastrophe again.
Vague and uninspiring imagery. There's nothing visually to latch on to and create an image in the mind of a poem that's dominated by visual imagery. The relationship between the character and the city never really expounded upon and the main character's irrelevance is not shown to be a very emotional condition. There's a lot of looking and physical objects and things that should have sensory appeal to the mind's eye and that doesn't really exist because they aren't describe or interwoven into the context of the poem and just seem to be a matter-of-fact condition of the environment. Just a set that's being used because it's what there. If the point is to be emotional and moving and inspiring than every piece of the poem needs to rely upon the others. That applies to much more than just imagery, but that is an area of apparent oversight.
Misuse of literary functions. There's an extended metaphor in the middle of the poem that makes very little sense. Lines 5-6 indicate that the heart of the city (metaphorical I guess) craves moonlight (clearly metaphorical) and then lifts up the moon? and dances it upon itself? There's not too much clarity as to what that exactly means and it's not an allusion to anything. On top of that, it isn't integrated into the rest of the poem at all, it's a free standing two lines that are never brought into context again. First, the pronoun it at the beginning of line 6 should be changed into something specific and the metaphor that you are going for should be taken in respect to something that's real instead of another metaphor. Nesting metaphors is very confusing to readers and obscures meaning, it doesn't make the author look clever if they make words that sound well together but mean nothing.
Absence of rhythm. If you are stringing together rhyming couplets make sure there is at the very least consistent meter between the couplets. If you are writing free verse poetry there's no need to shoehorn in all the rhymes that detract from the poem. Advice would be to decide if you are writing free verse or metered poetry and stick to that style instead of a hybrid that reads more like a mistake than creativity.
Well, thank you for the creative criticism. Merry Christmas.
At 12/16/12 12:22 PM, TheInnerScience wrote: Well, thank you for the creative criticism. Merry Christmas.
This poem does not appeal to my senses. I feel as if what you are trying to say is unpronounced. That being said, I think that this is a nice stab at poetry. Maybe consider your reader a bit more when writing.
Failure should push you until success can pull you.