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Poetic Dribble

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MotaAngelito
MotaAngelito
  • Member since: May. 22, 2010
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Poetic Dribble 2012-12-15 14:21:05 Reply

I wrote this poem a few years back and no one gave me any real critiques being biased as they were.
So I am posting 2 poems up so I can get some real reviews if you please ^.^

Intoxicating Night

Dancing upon the heart flowers petals
Frolicking through the cotton candy fields
Watching the butterflies fly all ways
Acting like I have not a care in the world

Swaying gently in the breeze
The cat tails tell tales
Listening with a careful ear
Drinking in all they have to say

The the night creeps in sweeping away the sun
Speckling the sky with millions of tiny bright stars
I lay down in the field looking up
Watching as the stars shower down upon me

Gently flowing the warm breeze is intoxicating
My eyelids grow heavy with the thick air
Senses tingling as my body relaxes
Falling asleep with the world whispering good night

Only A Friend

A day like any other
You make my past slowly slip away
What I thought to be my life
Seems to have taken drastic turns
You made me see everything so differently

Lying on the dew covered grass
Staring up at the stars
The twinkle never-ending like your smiles
Filling my life by showing me the other side
You take me by the hand to guide me

Finally arriving to a stopping point
You let go to let me venture alone
Not wanting to hold me back to new experiences
Do not leave me in such a crucial stage of life
I still need you as my guide

Please come back and take me by the hand
Guide me through this forest of emotions
My cries for help were never heard before you
You came along just the same as me
We can both help one another through our lives

TrevorW
TrevorW
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Response to Poetic Dribble 2012-12-16 15:31:44 Reply

At 12/15/12 02:21 PM, MotaAngelito wrote: I wrote this poem a few years back and no one gave me any real critiques being biased as they were.
So I am posting 2 poems up so I can get some real reviews if you please ^.^

Intoxicating Night

Dancing upon the heart flowers petals
Frolicking through the cotton candy fields
Watching the butterflies fly all ways
Acting like I have not a care in the world

Swaying gently in the breeze
The cat tails tell tales

I feel like you were just trying to rhyme with this line. It doesn't seem to add anything at all.

Listening with a careful ear
Drinking in all they have to say

Who is listening with a careful ear? The tails? I would imagine that you are referring to one character through out, but the cat tails line sure is confusing what you are trying to convey.


The the night creeps in sweeping away the sun
Speckling the sky with millions of tiny bright stars
I lay down in the field looking up
Watching as the stars shower down upon me

Gently flowing the warm breeze is intoxicating
My eyelids grow heavy with the thick air
Senses tingling as my body relaxes
Falling asleep with the world whispering good night

Only A Friend

A day like any other
You make my past slowly slip away
What I thought to be my life
Seems to have taken drastic turns
You made me see everything so differently

Lying on the dew covered grass
Staring up at the stars
The twinkle never-ending like your smiles
Filling my life by showing me the other side
You take me by the hand to guide me

Finally arriving to a stopping point
You let go to let me venture alone
Not wanting to hold me back to new experiences
Do not leave me in such a crucial stage of life
I still need you as my guide

Please come back and take me by the hand
Guide me through this forest of emotions
My cries for help were never heard before you
You came along just the same as me
We can both help one another through our lives

I think the best advice you receive is this: please work on connecting to your reader. Your verbiage is very aloft, your metaphors vague and disconnected. These poems sound quite pretty, but I have a very hard time connecting with them. You should consider slowing down and writing so that I can understand what you meant, as opposed to writing so that you can understand it and hoping that others can too. I did this for quite a long time. It takes practice, but I really think you should consider this advice.


Failure should push you until success can pull you.

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