Need some real talk advice...

[zero-gravity]

Profile:
18/M fresh out of highschool
Honors student who developed substance abuse issues Junior Year
Depression and ADD long before then
Terrible social anxiety

For the longest time I have been living in a terrible state of mind and affairs. I've always struggled to make friends, a majority of which now in retrospect truly weren't friends. I have the gift of general intellectual aptitude but no direction. I feel everything I've done in life is a mistake and that I don't deserve to live because I'm incapable of doing it effectively. I started doing drugs (mostly just pot when I was 14) when I was 16 as an attempt to overcome said social/psychological boundries. I thought I was making friends, having a good time, doing what 'normal' people did rather than just sit around in their own shit mindlessly clocking in hours to videogames nobody really gives a damn about (I was never blessed with family that had the means to keep me updated with the latest games/consoles). Well now I've found myself in a very similar and worse situation. Now I just mindlessly sit for hours getting fucked up with people who once again I thought were friends but are actually well... not terrible people... but just not 'friend' material.

I've had to take off a year of school because I did so poorly my first month. This really came as no surprise as how I've gotten through all of highschool with barely any effort (its amazing how much tests are weighted in honors classes) and I was thoroughly unprepared to even experience life on that level. I really do hate myself for this one. I was always really good at school and loved learning about things, but I could never focus enough to put in my end of the work. During all of this I've had to deal with 2 insane/insensitive parents who are divorced and deal with substance issues. I've been in and out of 2 rehabs and hated them both; the staff, patients, the whole approach by the institution on the matter, etc. I've tried several anti-depressant medications and one non-stimulant medication for my ADD.

Needless to say I have no musical talent (except for writing lyrics and occasionally singing which is something I can barely muster the effort to do these days), artistic talent, or athletic talent. And quite frankly, I'm thinking of 'calling it a day' so to speak on this whole 'life' thing because on the whole of my experience it has been nothing but a hopeless struggle.

I really don't know why I'm making this topic. I find it almost rationally shameful of myself to believe that I'll find anything deep and profound to be replied to this on this message board. Maybe perhaps it may be the last thing I'll ever do.

[supergandhi64]

when you say substance abuse, do you mean methamphetamine? i ask because you say you've had ADD. here's my advice: #1 ask a real youth health councilor #2 don't do methamphetamine #3 think positive thoughts, meditate and wait patiently for ufos to appear

--supergandhi64

[zero-gravity]

At 12/12/12 04:47 PM, supergandhi64 wrote: when you say substance abuse, do you mean methamphetamine? i ask because you say you've had ADD. here's my advice: #1 ask a real youth health councilor #2 don't do methamphetamine #3 think positive thoughts, meditate and wait patiently for ufos to appear

--supergandhi64

Nah, never got into meth, crack, or heroin. Mostly just pot, cocaine, and occasional hallucinogens.

[mothballs]

At 12/12/12 04:33 PM, zero-gravity wrote: Profile:
18/M fresh out of highschool
Honors student who developed substance abuse issues Junior Year
Depression and ADD long before then
Terrible social anxiety

This is exactly me, minus the substance abuse issues and the "terrible" part in social anxiety. I have a bit of it.

Instead of quoting and responding bits of your story one by one, basically I think you just have to first find out what you want in life. What do you want in life? What do you need to do to get it? It's the most basic question. It sounds to me like you're so lost and have absolutely no idea what you want to live for. The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I haven't gotten what I have long desired for, and I'm not giving in until I put in 100% of my effort to achieve it. That's my attitude. You need a more positive attitude and you need to look up to people and have role models.

As for the parent thing, parents are parents. Everyone's gotta put up with them. They seem to always sucks - don't worry about it. That's them, they can't control the way you think and feel unless you allow them to.

As for the substance abuse, that's another thing I think of as having a negative attitude. Never, ever would I give in to drugs just to mask my true problems and unacquired desires. That's the most depressing thing I could think of. Instead I would stand up to my true problems and go for them with everything I have. Most of all, you have to learn to respect yourself. I may be upset looking at other people, but when I look in the mirror, I'm extremely proud of the way I look. That's just an example. I have my morals and I stick to them, so that when I die I know I stood for what I believe in.

I've tried several anti-depressant medications and one non-stimulant medication for my ADD.

Strattera? Intuniv? I've been on Strattera for about 7 years now (I still am), and I gotta say it's a pretty fucked up drug. The only reason I'm still on it is because I'm somehow able to put up with its depressing side effects, it helps me concentrate and do better in sports.

Needless to say I have no musical talent (except for writing lyrics and occasionally singing which is something I can barely muster the effort to do these days), artistic talent, or athletic talent. And quite frankly, I'm thinking of 'calling it a day' so to speak on this whole 'life' thing because on the whole of my experience it has been nothing but a hopeless struggle.

You don't need "talent" to be good at a sport or an instrument. You need effort and motivation. It's a great way to keep your mind off things; I do both, and I always find myself extremely happy during and after these activities.