The Works Of Little Boy Death

[greatwh1teshark]

Greetings to all who come onto this Post, I am currently writing a novel and I fancy displaying some passages and quotes from the Leading Protagonist here, so I can see your opinions of what you think, here is the first one:

"As I stand in my Tower, on the highest floor with my hands on the Railing, I gaze out upon the World, to my left there is Darkness, to my right, pure obsidian and in front of me is the relentless Shadows. This Darkened World is my Home, it is where I feel at ease, where I feel I belong. I d
o not exist in this world becuase there is no other world for me, I live here becuase out of all the Worlds this is the One I choose to Live after all, you can only truly appreciate the Light when you live in a World without Light. I am Shadows so I live in the Shadows, you are Light so you Live in the Light. We Live where we want to Live and our Quality of Life is determind by the way we Live and one man's Hell is another man's Paradise but the fact remains the Same, Life is what you make it and the Choices are ours to make as well, that is the Gift of God and the Gift of the Darkside."

I look forwards to hearing what you think.

[greatwh1teshark]

Here is a second quote for you to comment on as well:

"The Sins of Man do not go Unpunished, to life a Life of Sin is to Spend an Eternity of Sin. To walk in the Light is to Remain in the Light, being bathed by it's warm rays in this World and the next, but to Walk in Darkness, dabble in Darkness, allow your heart to be filled with Darkness, then the Punishment is to Live in Darkness, from now till the End of Time and then do it all Again that is the Curse of the Darkside."

[Kofra]

The first quote is pure Cliché and there is a problem " "I do not" exist in this world becuase there is no other world for me" it's " I do" or "I do not"? The second quote's Idea is pretty deep ( I really liked) but there's a little grammar error : "to LIFE a life". Other thing: use more synonyms. Show me more of your work! Success!

[mhzinski]

It's very vague and indirect using a lot of light imagery to project moralism I don't believe the author fully understands. There are also a few grammatical issues (in front of me ARE shadows).

Trying to be sweeping in one's assumption of humanity makes most things look and read like bible verse rejects. The point isn't that you can't rewrite the way people are viewed, but you cant condense all of the necessary ideas into so small an argument without being vague enough to obscure the meaning of it anyway.

The author should re-examine the goal of the writing. What is the destination they want to reader to reach and how to get them there. Presently it is much to self-satisfied in it's ambiguity. So wrapped up in how wise it thinks it is it ends up out of touch.

[Kofra]

mhzinski, actually, we don't know what is his objective writing that. We need more texts to understand the context. If he wants to make a dramatic text, I think that's the correct path. Buuut, apparently he is not going to show us.

[greatwh1teshark]

At 11/27/12 08:02 PM, Kofra wrote: mhzinski, actually, we don't know what is his objective writing that. We need more texts to understand the context. If he wants to make a dramatic text, I think that's the correct path. Buuut, apparently he is not going to show us.

There will be more texts to come, but in the novel itself, it is set in a realm called the Darkside, it is realm that lurks between Heaven & Hell and is not to be confused with Limbo, what with this being a realm in which no one can exist in, except for a being born out of shadow itself, hence Little Boy Death, who due to oncoming consequences of certain actions, he must now travel to our world in order to over throw a Demon uprising.

[greatwh1teshark]

Here is a new Text:

L.B.D - "Love, Love is an illusion, a lie we tell ourselves everyday. It is as real as Santa Claus and a stupid belief. I do not believe in it and nor do I feel it, for me there is only Lust, for Lust is real, you can see it everyday no matter where we go. Love is just a dream and Lust is the reality and if God really wanted me to Love, well he wouldn't have exist and exiled in a World wherein only I can thrive & Survive. Besides, Love is just the creation of your beloved Hollywood and a word used by writers & poets. A word created and used to turn a phrase, express an emotion that doesn't truely exsist, but is in actual fact a checmical reaction in the brain, but more then that it's just a desperate grab at money, Hollywood turns out film after film about Love and you all just lap it up and can't get enough of it. You believe in a Foolish thing and continue to throw money at it left, right and that is the biggest joke I have ever heard."

[greatwh1teshark]

Another Couple of qoutes:

L.B.D - "I will go far, I will go wide. I will go here, there, anywhere and everywhere but I will never go Back, I will never go Home."

L.B.D - "Like the Hands of Time, the Waves lapping on the Shore and the Night Sky, I was here before and here right now and here I will be forever more.

Shoot me, stab me, cut me, drown me but it will not work for I'm here today, tomorrow and the day after that. I am Forever here, Forever Eternal and I Never Say Die."

Also thanks for the comments.

[Kofra]

I'm really interested in this work, it's a unusual idea. When a read that texts I remember "Darksiders"(game) and"The Little Prince". That's weired.

[greatwh1teshark]

At 11/29/12 09:01 AM, Kofra wrote: I'm really interested in this work, it's a unusual idea. When a read that texts I remember "Darksiders"(game) and"The Little Prince". That's weired.

Cheers very much, one question though, what's Darksiders? I've never played it.

[greatwh1teshark]

Here's another quote in it, as part of a Soul Stealing ritual:

The Reapers Chant - L.B.D:

"He Who Took the Oath broke the Oath.
For sins of Wrath & Pride you'll pay
for both.
By the End of the Reaper's Song,
Your soul shall be gone,
For it was on your Soul for Swore,
Now be Souless forever more."

[Kofra]

You have a prevision to how big the story will be? btw darksider is this game here:
Darksiders 1 gameplay
I'm playing Darksiders 2 now (the protagonist is Death), It's an amazing game.

[greatwh1teshark]

At 11/29/12 07:14 PM, Kofra wrote: You have a prevision to how big the story will be? btw darksider is this game here:
Darksiders 1 gameplay
I'm playing Darksiders 2 now (the protagonist is Death), It's an amazing game.

The Story itself will be quite large scaled, with the potential of a sequel, and the Protagonist L.B.D is the Shadow Reaper, the true son of Death.

As for Darksiders 2, that sounds cool, playing Death.

[Kofra]

Have a realease date in mind?

[greatwh1teshark]

At 12/6/12 05:28 PM, Kofra wrote: Have a realease date in mind?

Yes I do, 1st of January 2014

[DeftAndEvil]

At 11/27/12 04:29 PM, mhzinski wrote: It's very vague and indirect using a lot of light imagery to project moralism I don't believe the author fully understands. There are also a few grammatical issues (in front of me ARE shadows).

Trying to be sweeping in one's assumption of humanity makes most things look and read like bible verse rejects. The point isn't that you can't rewrite the way people are viewed, but you cant condense all of the necessary ideas into so small an argument without being vague enough to obscure the meaning of it anyway.

The author should re-examine the goal of the writing. What is the destination they want to reader to reach and how to get them there. Presently it is much to self-satisfied in it's ambiguity. So wrapped up in how wise it thinks it is it ends up out of touch.

Did you read this? It's sensible and applicable to your work. Self- assessment can only help you (especially in the long run).
There are clearly issues in this story that must be addressed. I suppose that if you want help, I will help. But it seems that your story seems very ... long-winded. The very least you could to is fix the grammar in the passages you've provided.