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Deathcon7
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ABR 2012-10-03 16:37:19 Reply

Wrote a sonnet about romantic inaction. Not sure why I wrote it except that I'm in this weird funk where, while I can pick up a woman fairly easily, I'm wallowing in my loneliness. I'm not sure what it is. I have a lot on my plate, a lot of things I want to do for myself. Despite meeting a couple of interesting women dating isn't a priority right now. I think I might be having a commitment issue or some such and am sabotaging myself to avoid having to face it. That sounds kind o' right. I'm very selfish, and I've already lost three long term relationships, I don't know that I want to go through that again. It's so much more important I remain focused considering I'm trying to write a novel and I'm already 10k+ words behind my goal.

Anyway, it feels nice to try to get that feeling written down. I chose a sonnet because that's my default poem-mode, but the form is pretty flawed. The meter and rhyme are off. I'm trying something a bit different than what I'm used to. I cut out a lot of conjunctions and meaningless language, and used meter and partial rhymes to supplement shortcomings in structure.

--------------------
Romantic fatalist
I recognize my faults.
I know right now I'm not enough;
I cannot help my thoughts.

After we met I knew
I'd never be so cool.
I saw fire in your eyes that day;
I struggled like a fool.

I fell too hard.
You must have heard my beating heart.
You must have felt the ground shiver.
You must have seen the spark.

But I won't try, I won't plead, silence is my means.
And you'll pretend you don't see, always beyond reach.
--------------------

I spent the last two days tinkering with this. The first stanza feels the most powerful, the most real. I tried to repeat the feat for the rest but I don't feel it's quite as expressive. The last couplet, and the last three words, I like too. Any advice, critique, recommendations; much appreciated. I've never really seen myself as a poet, but every so often I find myself writing something. I still can't figure out why.

Kostou
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Response to ABR 2012-10-03 16:49:09 Reply

I enjoyed it. This is a shakespearean sonnet right?

mhzinski
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Response to ABR 2012-10-04 00:09:56 Reply

It changes from dactyls to trochees after the first stanza for whatever reason and the syllables aren't consistent enough to be measured in feet.

The first person to second person shift would have been meaningful if it resolved in the last stanza instead of creating tension that ends up being wasted.

The imagery is very humdrum in a sense that it doesn't color the writing, sort of creates a cliche that the rest of the work sits on not knowing if it's mocking itself or being purposefully unsophisticated.

The feminine rhyme is the only thing that ties it together well and works goodly enough that it doesn't stand out and try to tell everyone how great it is for rhyming.

---

Very black and white writing, a lot of words with a feeling of confusion which seems more reactionary than intentional. The dullness of it doesn't elevate it to apathetic art but more to broody sad art. It says "I'm sad but I'm always sad so whatever". I suppose there is drama in that but not enough for me to be engaged.

That's all very spacey and unstable as analysis, but that doesn't really bother me.

6.5/10 writing.

Deathcon7
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Response to ABR 2012-10-04 10:15:14 Reply

At 10/4/12 12:09 AM, mhzinski wrote: It changes from dactyls to trochees after the first stanza for whatever reason and the syllables aren't consistent enough to be measured in feet.

Something I struggle with. I was going for trochee throughout, but my inner ear isn't very good at hearing the stress of syllables. I definitely have to work on that.

The first person to second person shift would have been meaningful if it resolved in the last stanza instead of creating tension that ends up being wasted.

I thought it did. The first line of the couplet is first person, the second line second person. Maybe it wasn't substantial enough, especially considering the balance between the two perspectives is off.

The imagery is very humdrum in a sense that it doesn't color the writing, sort of creates a cliche that the rest of the work sits on not knowing if it's mocking itself or being purposefully unsophisticated.

I'm not a very visual writer. I think the only imagery I really pulled was the second to last stanza. In hindsight it's not very strong visually, but I'm not sure what to do to fix that as the majority of the poem is reflective.

At this point I'm starting to think that maybe that stanza was a mistake. Maybe a perspective shift would be more poignant as a reversal, but I felt a need to set that up.

The feminine rhyme is the only thing that ties it together well and works goodly enough that it doesn't stand out and try to tell everyone how great it is for rhyming.

I'm curious if you caught on to what I did with the first line of the first three stanzas. I wanted them to stand out and segment the poem. At some point I thought it would be pretty cool if the three lines created a type of haiku.

---

Very black and white writing, a lot of words with a feeling of confusion which seems more reactionary than intentional. The dullness of it doesn't elevate it to apathetic art but more to broody sad art. It says "I'm sad but I'm always sad so whatever". I suppose there is drama in that but not enough for me to be engaged.

It is pretty brooding, isn't it? I think I found a word for how I'm feeling. Obrigado.

That's all very spacey and unstable as analysis, but that doesn't really bother me.

6.5/10 writing.

Concise enough for me to appreciate. I wish you could have been more specific but I trust your instinct. Once again, thank you for your insight.