The sequel to "Outpost:Haven"3.98 / 5.00 20,794 Views
Hunt The Candy!!!3.84 / 5.00 9,937 Views
A thrilling rush through cyberspace!3.79 / 5.00 27,024 Views
I see you there beside the fire, my chest then fills with such desire, that I feel I might just be more useful than the pyre
I gaze with such an indignant glance, my head quite filled with romance, I might get up and ask to dance
But alas, my head falls down from heaven, all my dreams crashed and leaden, even the best scenario like Armageddon,
For what girl would want a man of such mundanity, of all the great men in all of humanity?
One would question such insanity!
Enough of that! For she has gotten up to walk, would now be a good time to talk?
Or perhaps a time to act more suave like someone of extreme romance?
Alas, the time for thought is gone, time to turn the bravado on...
at any moment I will fly off the chair, wind in the face, romance in the air!
At any moment, right from the chair, like a tuxedo-ed man with greased back hair, to lift such a girl so fair...
At any moment, perhaps not this second, oh but I feel the romance beckon...
ah alas, the time is late,
what cruel victim of fate,
but tomorrow I will clean the slate and I will finally secure a date!
I hope you enjoyed.
Even as I walk through the shadow of the Valley of Death, I shall fear no Evil. Semper Fidelis
I like your choice of words, though your rhyming and rhythm are slightly inconsistent: first sentences end with fire; desire; pyre, then the second line goes glance; romance; dance, which leads the reader into a rhythm: with 1,2,1 - 1,2,1 syllables. Then, your third line consists of heaven; leaden; Armageddon: 2,2,4 syllables, with an... interesting choice of rhyme.
Anyway, I am -personally- not a great fan of rhyming in poetry, and if it's done, I want it done perfectly, which is hard. Real hard.
As I said, I like the words you chose, but the rhythm is the thing that's off. The best thing to do is (remember, this is in my humble opinion) read your poems aloud, if you're finished, then check for yourself whether the poem 'flows'. Hard to explain.
The words chosen for the rhyme scheme are wedged in very tightly and it trips up all of the phrasing around them. From a readability point of view it would be better to just leave out some of the words and try not to rhyme, because rhyming in the present manner just detracts from the poem.
Picking and sticking to a meter would have been nice, then the lines could have been formatted into mini stanzas that characterized the attempted rhyme scheme better.
In terms of content, I thought it was funny, but I don't know if that was the point. The language was classical enough to be bordering on either participating in poetry in a classical literary tradition sense or a sticking it to the man for his antiquated style of speech sense. In either case the one dimensional self loathing male is just brooding and not very engaging. A good supporting character for those who relate, but not a very deep character for anyone else. Enhancing the spectrum of relationship beyond a purely worthy/unworthy sense would be a good idea.