The Search - Part 1

[depes7448]

Critique is appreciated, but no negative hodge-podge. I'd also like to get a consensus on whether or not this story is worth continuing. My time is limited, and I'd rather not spend so much effort on writing something no one will read.

It sounds like such a cliché, but I found what I was looking for only to realize that my search cost me something more valuable than the answer. What is even more cliché is that my journey to find it caused real pandemonium like what one sees in movies. Almost everyone is dead now because of me, and there is nothing I can do to make sure their deaths were not in vain. I feel so stupid for doing it. My greed overrode my common sense, and for my foolish mistake, my closest friends died. Even her, Sheila. She died, too. She did not deserve to die; there was absolutely no reason for her to perish in such a cruel way. Sheila, please forgive me. I know I wronged you âEU" wronged everyone âEU" but I promise you that I will make things right. No more battles and no more searches. I am ending this journey today. Hopefully, when all is done, I will join you in heavenâEU¦ If my actions do not commit me to hell first.

Day 87 of Year 7133 from Awakening

âEUoeRuckus, come here, boy! Come here!âEU I yelled to my Coro, a small, yellow equine creature with thick fur. The Experts are truly mystical; they created the Coros just a few dozen years ago, and I was lucky enough to find a stray babe wandering into my backyard. Ruckus has been my closest companion ever since. He started out malnourished with thin fur matted in dirt and wobbly legs. After I nursed him back to health, his fur would gleam in the sunlight, radiating a bright goldenrod color that made children squeal after him. Once Ruckus turned four, he grew a single curved horn on his forehead âEU" a way of showing dominance, the Experts say âEU" and an emerald green diamond eventually took shape just below it. Ironically, his hooves became dark brown and their texture looked like he had been trekking in mud all his life although their dark coloration indicated that he was healthy. RuckusâEUTM snorts did not sound like the ones from wild horses that gallop freely in the east, but they echoed harmonious tunes that lulled the sensitive to sleep. Many told me that his voice was beautiful and that his gait when he sprints are graceful, a testimony to the marvelous skills of the Experts. For 16 years, Ruckus put up with my troubles, soothing me with his loyal presence each time I explode at bad news from the Bookies.
Ruckus clip-clopped his way to me from across the field where a serene lake rested âEU" his favorite spot. I roared with laughter as he tried to lick my cheek and rub his head against mine at the same time. Pushing his side against my hands, he snorted impatiently, so I complied, ruffling the fur on his back. While doing this, I noticed a bird shyly hiding between RuckusâEUTM romp and tail. It hopped into view when our eyes made contact.

âEUoeYou made a new friend, Ruckus?âEU I grinned as I reached toward the bird cautiously, not recognizing what species was. The little creature nervously hopped side-to-side until it finally leaped onto my wrist. Ruckus turned to get a better look at the bird. He looked surprised to realize that he had been carrying a hitchhiker this entire time. Unlike its reaction to me, the bird chirped happily when Ruckus gently rubbed his snout against its wing. He always had a way of befriending everyone, no matter the species.

âEUoeWhatâEUTMs this?âEU I questioned when I spotted a small note rolled up and tied to one of the birdâEUTMs legs. After I slid the note out of the knot, the bird jumped off of my wrist to land on RuckusâEUTM forehead, dropping the light pink string that held the note to its leg. I grew more suspicious when I saw that the string had created a small impression on the birdâEUTMs leg, evident that the bird practically grew up with the note by its side, and miraculously, the small piece of paper survived undamaged. I finally unrolled the note and read it out loud, slowly sounding out each word since they were written in a tiny size with flamboyant handwriting.

âEUoeThe thing you seek lies within UndâEUTMleek.âEU âEUoeUndâEUTMleekâEU? I have never heard of a place named with an ugly combination of modern and archaic tongue, but the cryptic message seemed to be directed toward me, and only me. Since I was a child, I wondered about a treasure. During the Awakening, it is said that one organization named the Lighters hid a treasure so great that it was valued more than life. However, even the Experts debate on what the treasure was, never mind its existence. Some claim the answer is simple, jewels and gold measured in tons that defy imagination. Others say that it might be the hidden bloodline of the late Hubrio, a royal family whose last descendents invented the Experts and saved the world from countless plagues. The stories the Experts told fascinated me, captivated my mind, as I imagined finding the Chest of Awakening and becoming the most famous man alive. It was the greatest mystery in history, and any time I find clues about it, I stash them away in a secret compartment in my home.

However, nothing I have ever found came close to this damning note: âEUoeUndâEUTMleek.âEU âEUoeLeekâEU was an ancient term dubbed by the Experts recently to name a failed creation. They had attempted to create an animal that looked feral but was as intelligent as our kind. Not only did the Leeks hold a short lifespan, but they became notorious for masterfully hiding valuables in plain sight. Despite their thieving abilities, Leeks were only half as intelligent as a babe. âEUoeUndâEU comes from a word that lost its usage around a century after the Awakening: âEUoeUndi.âEU It meant âEUoegreat treasureâEU and was used to name a major town that served as a trade center before the Awakening. It made no sense that anyone would rename Undi as UndâEUTMleek for there was no reason to, especially since the town was destroyed centuries ago and replaced by Farl. In fact, I only lived two miles from the town.

My reasoning left only option: The South. Few have dared to explore the cold lands south of our known world, and all of those courageous adventurers ended up returning mad. They consistently babbled on and on about little boys and girls prancing around a fire pit full of human bodies, and all of them told stories of seeing our two moons crashing into each other each night that they spent in The South. Some Experts figured there was some truth in these tales since they were precise, but when they attempted to remotely observe The South with an enhanced telescope or some other gadget, they all grew as insane as the persons who actually walked in. Everyone eventually assumed that The South held some kind of magical power and wanted its secrets to stay hidden. It was evident from the victimsâEUTM memory loss of their navigation that something was guarding The South, magical or not. Even when people tried leaving physical marks to map their path, any thing they left behind was removed or the entrance was restored to its previous state.

âEUoeCome on, Ruckus,âEU I called as I stood up. The little bird abruptly flew away when I spoke, darting off into the horizon. Vexed, I furled my eye brows, but I decided finding an Expert to talk to was more important than pondering the little birdâEUTMs fate.

[depes7448]

Fixed, sorry.

It sounds like such a cliche, but I found what I was looking for only to realize that my search cost me something more valuable than the answer. What is even more cliche is that my journey to find it caused real pandemonium like what one sees in movies. Almost everyone is dead now because of me, and there is nothing I can do to make sure their deaths were not in vain. I feel so stupid for doing it. My greed overrode my common sense, and for my foolish mistake, my closest friends died. Even her, Sheila. She died, too. She did not deserve to die; there was absolutely no reason for her to perish in such a cruel way. Sheila, please forgive me. I know I wronged you - wronged everyone - but I promise you that I will make things right. No more battles and no more searches. I am ending this journey today. Hopefully, when all is done, I will join you in heaven... If my actions do not commit me to hell first.

Day 87 of Year 7133 from Awakening

"Ruckus, come here, boy! Come here!" I yelled to my Coro, a small, yellow equine creature with thick fur. The Experts are truly mystical; they created the Coros just a few dozen years ago, and I was lucky enough to find a stray babe wandering into my backyard. Ruckus has been my closest companion ever since. He started out malnourished with thin fur matted in dirt and wobbly legs. After I nursed him back to health, his fur would gleam in the sunlight, radiating a bright goldenrod color that made children squeal after him. Once Ruckus turned four, he grew a single curved horn on his forehead - a way of showing dominance, the Experts say - and an emerald green diamond eventually took shape just below it. Ironically, his hooves became dark brown and their texture looked like he had been trekking in mud all his life although their dark coloration indicated that he was healthy. Ruckus' snorts did not sound like the ones from wild horses that gallop freely in the east, but they echoed harmonious tunes that lulled the sensitive to sleep. Many told me that his voice was beautiful and that his gait when he sprints are graceful, a testimony to the marvelous skills of the Experts. For 16 years, Ruckus put up with my troubles, soothing me with his loyal presence each time I explode at bad news from the Bookies.

Ruckus clip-clopped his way to me from across the field where a serene lake rested - his favorite spot. I roared with laughter as he tried to lick my cheek and rub his head against mine at the same time. Pushing his side against my hands, he snorted impatiently, so I complied, ruffling the fur on his back. While doing this, I noticed a bird shyly hiding between RuckusâEUTM romp and tail. It hopped into view when our eyes made contact.

"You made a new friend, Ruckus?" I grinned as I reached toward the bird cautiously, not recognizing what species it was. The little creature nervously hopped side-to-side until it finally leaped onto my wrist. Ruckus turned to get a better look at the bird. He looked surprised to realize that he had been carrying a hitchhiker this entire time. Unlike its reaction to me, the bird chirped happily when Ruckus gently rubbed his snout against its wing. He always had a way of befriending everyone, no matter the species.

"What's this?" I questioned when I spotted a small note rolled up and tied to one of the bird's legs. After I slid the note out of the knot, the bird jumped off of my wrist to land on Ruckus' forehead, dropping the light pink string that held the note to its leg. I grew more suspicious when I saw that the string had created a small impression on the bird's leg, evident that the bird practically grew up with the note by its side, and miraculously, the small piece of paper survived undamaged. I finally unrolled the note and read it out loud, slowly sounding out each word since they were written in a tiny size with flamboyant handwriting.

"The thing you seek lies within Und'leek." "Und'leek"? I have never heard of a place named with an ugly combination of modern and archaic tongue, but the cryptic message seemed to be directed toward me, and only me. Since I was a child, I wondered about a treasure. During the Awakening, it is said that one organization named the Lighters hid a treasure so great that it was valued more than life. However, even the Experts debate on what the treasure was, never mind its existence. Some claim the answer is simple, jewels and gold measured in tons that defy imagination. Others say that it might be the hidden bloodline of the late Hubrio, a royal family whose last descendents invented the Experts and saved the world from countless plagues. The stories the Experts told fascinated me, captivated my mind, as I imagined finding the Chest of Awakening and becoming the most famous man alive. It was the greatest mystery in history, and any time I find clues about it, I stash them away in a secret compartment in my home.

However, nothing I have ever found came close to this damning note: "Und'leek." "Leek" was an ancient term dubbed by the Experts recently to name a failed creation. They had attempted to create an animal that looked feral but was as intelligent as our kind. Not only did the Leeks hold a short lifespan, but they became notorious for masterfully hiding valuables in plain sight. Despite their thieving abilities, Leeks were only half as intelligent as a babe. "Und" comes from a word that lost its usage around a century after the Awakening: "Undi." It meant "great treasure" and was used to name a major town that served as a trade center before the Awakening. It made no sense that anyone would rename Undi as Und'leek for there was no reason to, especially since the town was destroyed centuries ago and replaced by Farl. In fact, I only lived two miles from the town.

My reasoning left only option: The South. Few have dared to explore the cold lands south of our known world, and all of those courageous adventurers ended up returning mad. They consistently babbled on and on about little boys and girls prancing around a fire pit full of human bodies, and all of them told stories of seeing our two moons crashing into each other each night that they spent in The South. Some Experts figured there was some truth in these tales since they were precise, but when they attempted to remotely observe The South with an enhanced telescope or some other gadget, they all grew as insane as the persons who actually walked in. Everyone eventually assumed that The South held some kind of magical power and wanted its secrets to stay hidden. It was evident from the victims' memory loss of their navigation that something was guarding The South, magical or not. Even when people tried leaving physical marks to map their path, any thing they left behind was removed or the entrance was restored to its previous state.

"Come on, Ruckus," I called as I stood up. The little bird abruptly flew away when I spoke, darting off into the horizon. Vexed, I furled my eye brows, but I decided finding an Expert to talk to was more important than pondering the little bird's fate.

[Sectus]

Very nicely written. Paragraphs all seem to be in order, and it is a rather compelling story over all. Looking forward to seeing the second part.

[mhzinski]

The characterization at the beginning of being miserable and tortured and war is hell and stuff is all very cliche narration on the subject. It's usable readable writing but it simply is very bland and doesn't providing and interesting perspective on the subject and doesn't make the character any more distinguishable from any young adult grizzled by struggle now filled with regret and remorse. That sort of back story is nice for a background character, not the main one.

There is also very little to explain and relate to the character as the story continues. It's a lot of "here's all the stuff I made up, try and keep up and go along with it". It's frustrating if the reader is just being handed a folder full of nomenclature with very little context and the person explaining it hasn't been characterized in the slightest and the audience does not yet care about them. There needs to much slower pacing to the epic scale of what's trying to be achieving to prevent it from looking like Tolkien-esque fanfiction.

3/10 writing.

[depes7448]

I pretty much free-wrote all of of this, so I can't say I don't agree with you.

Three points I'd like to explain:
For the main character, I do realize that I barely focused on him other than the occasional tidbits. While not intentional, I plan on revealing his attributes piece by piece with each part.
It is necessary for me to go into detail about subjects like the Coros or The South because these are brand new concepts that need to be expounded upon so the readers can understand these elements' parts in the other parts. Unfortunately for you, that means you have to read.
It may seem like I am jumping into the main plot quickly, but I am not. I haven't even finished the exposition of the plot.

I've never read any of Tolkien's books, so if my writing happens to turn out similar, then I apologize. Thank you for your frank opinion.

At 9/15/12 02:43 AM, mhzinski wrote: The characterization at the beginning of being miserable and tortured and war is hell and stuff is all very cliche narration on the subject. It's usable readable writing but it simply is very bland and doesn't providing and interesting perspective on the subject and doesn't make the character any more distinguishable from any young adult grizzled by struggle now filled with regret and remorse. That sort of back story is nice for a background character, not the main one.

There is also very little to explain and relate to the character as the story continues. It's a lot of "here's all the stuff I made up, try and keep up and go along with it". It's frustrating if the reader is just being handed a folder full of nomenclature with very little context and the person explaining it hasn't been characterized in the slightest and the audience does not yet care about them. There needs to much slower pacing to the epic scale of what's trying to be achieving to prevent it from looking like Tolkien-esque fanfiction.

3/10 writing.

[shadowRian]

i like the futuristic post apocolyptic world kind of story you created, it is great so far and i like where this story is giong. also its a good length for a story, good job! it sorta reminds me of that anime : "cashern sins" but im looking foward to the next part im curious to see what the mian character really did to the world. is ruckus an equivalent to a dog?