A story of mine

[FieryLighting]

Well, first, before its story time, its get to know the author.
Well, first off, I'm 14 years old, I've been writing for about 2 years now, give or take, been through 4 complete rewrites of my book and I am hoping this first chapter doesn't do too badly on here. Now this chapter will only make sense to me in the beginning, because I'm the author and I pretty much have most of the story in my head, some written down, but mostly in my head. If its too confusing at the beginning, I'll pm you my notes, but there will be a lot of spoilers in it. I won't mind help or criticism, just don't be so cruel I stop writing, cause I'll hate you forever. Nah, I'll never stop writing. The title is Recollections, I'm sure that's a title of another book, but it makes the most sense to this. I'll warn you before hand, certain parts, mainly fights, of this story will be, let's say, graphic. And there will be curse words, because I feel curse words help to realize how bad the situation is, or how serious something is or isn't. You have been warned. And if your wondering why there is no quotations or whatever their called around the speakers words when they're talking, it's because it's in his mind, and Instincts is just the part of the mind that knows anything at all about what's going on. Sorry about that spoiler, but I don't need reviewers getting all mad about that.

Recollections
Chapter 1

I'm falling. I see a cliff above me. I feel something crawling over my head. My head hurts like hell. Everything else hurts, but not like that. It feels like there's a snake with little horns all over it scraping my brain at 30 miles per hour. Don't worry, just your demon skin healing you. I roll over and see the ground far, far, far away. Whats demon skin? It's your bond with a demon, located on your left hand. Hows it healing me? Your bond gives you the demons power. The skin automatically spreads over you, healing you rather quickly, even hardening it somewhat each time. Will it make the pain stop? Not till it's done healing. Now then, tell me, who are you? Who am I, who are you? Why, I'm Da... I don't know, except for two letters, my name could be anything. Dante, David, Daemon, hell, that could just be my last name's first letters. WAIT A MINUTE!! I see what you did there. Now tell me who you are, right now. I'm your instincts. Yeah, and I'm not in agony. I don't hear you moaning in pain. What do you mean... Wait, your right! It's done healing! Congratulations. Now focus, we're falling pretty fast and pretty damn far. Your not gonna live unless you do something, and soon. I got nothing, do I have other demon skills or can I only heal? You can use the skin as tentacles and grab on to the cliff, but the the impact would leave you stuck in the cliff and at this speed, will it even stick? You can shoot beams of pure sin, but that's useless unless your fighting or trying to hit a far away target. And you can grow wings. Yeah, lets go with wings, how do I do that? Just think 'Grow wings'. Really, that's it. Just think 'Grow wings'. I feel bones unsnapping in my back and snapping into the air. I twist my neck to see it and the bones are getting bigger and growing feathers. When it's finally done growing, it's a sleek, black, shiny, pair of about 13, 14 feet. Wow, that was awesome, watching it grow. Yeah, do I need to teach you how to flap your wings and fly, it's a little to late to push you out of the nest, and your dumb enough to not know how to flap. Fuck you, and yes, teach me how to fly, you dick. This partnership will go better if you don't talk back. Do you want to die? Can you feel new muscles on your body? Yeah, they're wing muscles. Try to get some feel for them. I can make them wiggle a little bit. I try to make them both do that at the same time. I throw my arms up in frustration and they actually flap up. I slam my arms down and they flap downward. My arms are gonna be so tired after this. I spread my arms out, and begin to glide. I tilt my body downward, slightly, till I'm at a ninety degree angle, and begin my descent.

Some amount of time later.

God, my arms are tired as hell, and so are these wings. Can I put my wings back? Think 'Retract wings.' Retract wings. A lot faster coming in then out, aren't they. Very, now we both know you have no idea where your at Shut up. so we should find out. I check all over myself for pockets or items and find a phone, touch screen, maybe 4g phone, headphones, a pack of cigarettes, a lighter, two pistols, desert eagles, 6 clips, holsters for pistols, clips found in belt, and a sheathed katana, black as night, about 6 feet long, the sheath black as well, not as black, though. With equipment like that, you must have killed people before. True that, now lets find civilization, and something that reflects so I can see what I look like. Why not use that phone? Too small, I cant see my full body. I begin to walk forward. God it's hot here. I take my trench coat trench coat off and hang it over my shoulder and walk on. I think we're in hell. How are you so sure? There's fire spouting out of holes, the ground is red, the sky is black, I smell death everywhere, if this ain't hell, we're on fucking Mars and I want to know how I'm breathing then. Demon skin would allow to breath, and it would already be over your mouth. So we're in hell. Maybe, or maybe this is the apocalypse. Maybe, if it is, it's taking forever to end. Either we're dead or on an unknown planet. Unknown to us. Look a town, head that way. its a bunch of rocks. Boulders, and a few people can be seen going to and from buildings. Alright, let's go.

Half an hour later.

It's 5:57 p.m., and I'm tired as a motherfucker. Talk to someone, see if there's a hotel, or an inn, or somewhere to rest. I light a cigarette and walk to a building with lots of people outside. I walk over to a guy in all black, smoking a cigarette like me.

"Hey man, can you tell me where I'm at?"
"Your at Sector 76."
"Cool, is there a place where I can crash?"
"Go halfway down here to that sign, it says hotel. You either have to pay or do chores, unless your only staying one night. If your only staying one night, you get no food and a crap room."
"Guess I'm doing chores, thanks man."
"Don't mention it."

I finish my cigarette and stomp on it, then move on down the street. I look around, this place is loud, bright, and annoying. I arrive at the hotel and ask for a room, paying with chores for two nights. I walk up to my room to find a queen size bed with red everything on it, sheets, pillows, covers, even the mattress itself is red. There's a tv, a phone set, and a window. I jump on the bed, trying to ignore the red, fall asleep, from exhaustion.

I hoped you enjoyed the story, I probably won't be posting another chapter for awhile cause I'm about to be in high school and won't have time to post. I'll still write, just not post.

[starwarsjunkie]

At 8/23/12 01:09 PM, FieryLighting wrote:
Recollections
Chapter 1

I'm falling. I see a cliff above me. I feel something crawling over my head. My head hurts like hell. Everything else hurts, but not like that. It feels like there's a snake with little horns all over it scraping my brain at 30 miles per hour. Don't worry, just your demon skin healing you. I roll over and see the ground far, far, far away. Whats demon skin? It's your bond with a demon, located on your left hand. Hows it healing me? Your bond gives you the demons power. The skin automatically spreads over you, healing you rather quickly, even hardening it somewhat each time. Will it make the pain stop? Not till it's done healing. Now then, tell me, who are you? Who am I, who are you? Why, I'm Da... I don't know, except for two letters, my name could be anything. Dante, David, Daemon, hell, that could just be my last name's first letters. WAIT A MINUTE!! I see what you did there. Now tell me who you are, right now. I'm your instincts. Yeah, and I'm not in agony. I don't hear you moaning in pain. What do you mean... Wait, your right! It's done healing! Congratulations. Now focus, we're falling pretty fast and pretty damn far. Your not gonna live unless you do something, and soon. I got nothing, do I have other demon skills or can I only heal? You can use the skin as tentacles and grab on to the cliff, but the the impact would leave you stuck in the cliff and at this speed, will it even stick? You can shoot beams of pure sin, but that's useless unless your fighting or trying to hit a far away target. And you can grow wings. Yeah, lets go with wings, how do I do that? Just think 'Grow wings'. Really, that's it. Just think 'Grow wings'. I feel bones unsnapping in my back and snapping into the air. I twist my neck to see it and the bones are getting bigger and growing feathers. When it's finally done growing, it's a sleek, black, shiny, pair of about 13, 14 feet. Wow, that was awesome, watching it grow. Yeah, do I need to teach you how to flap your wings and fly, it's a little to late to push you out of the nest, and your dumb enough to not know how to flap. Fuck you, and yes, teach me how to fly, you dick. This partnership will go better if you don't talk back. Do you want to die? Can you feel new muscles on your body? Yeah, they're wing muscles. Try to get some feel for them. I can make them wiggle a little bit. I try to make them both do that at the same time. I throw my arms up in frustration and they actually flap up. I slam my arms down and they flap downward. My arms are gonna be so tired after this. I spread my arms out, and begin to glide. I tilt my body downward, slightly, till I'm at a ninety degree angle, and begin my descent.

I think you should break this massive block of text up a bit. Especially with the dialogue in there. Even though the entire conversation is taking place within his head, you should still use quotation marks and start a new line when the speaker switches. It makes it easier to read.

Some amount of time later.

Don't put this out on its own. Work it into the story somehow: "I flew for hours, looking for a place to land." Something like that. It's less awkward.

God, my arms are tired as hell, and so are these wings. Can I put my wings back? Think 'Retract wings.' Retract wings. A lot faster coming in then out, aren't they. Very, now we both know you have no idea where your at Shut up. so we should find out. I check all over myself for pockets or items and find a phone, touch screen, maybe 4g phone, headphones, a pack of cigarettes, a lighter, two pistols, desert eagles, 6 clips, holsters for pistols, clips found in belt, and a sheathed katana, black as night, about 6 feet long, the sheath black as well, not as black, though. With equipment like that, you must have killed people before. True that, now lets find civilization, and something that reflects so I can see what I look like. Why not use that phone? Too small, I cant see my full body. I begin to walk forward. God it's hot here. I take my trench coat trench coat off and hang it over my shoulder and walk on. I think we're in hell. How are you so sure? There's fire spouting out of holes, the ground is red, the sky is black, I smell death everywhere, if this ain't hell, we're on fucking Mars and I want to know how I'm breathing then. Demon skin would allow to breath, and it would already be over your mouth. So we're in hell. Maybe, or maybe this is the apocalypse. Maybe, if it is, it's taking forever to end. Either we're dead or on an unknown planet. Unknown to us. Look a town, head that way. its a bunch of rocks. Boulders, and a few people can be seen going to and from buildings. Alright, let's go.

There's one spot up there where you used 'your' instead of 'you're'. Be careful with that.
The description of all the things in his pockets is a bit unnecessary. Unless they all play a role later you don't need them. It breaks up the action too much. Or, if they are necessary, shorten it up a bit and bring in the character's reaction to finding that he has all these weapons.

Half an hour later.

Same thing as before. Work this into the story.

It's 5:57 p.m., and I'm tired as a motherfucker. Talk to someone, see if there's a hotel, or an inn, or somewhere to rest. I light a cigarette and walk to a building with lots of people outside. I walk over to a guy in all black, smoking a cigarette like me.

"Hey man, can you tell me where I'm at?"
"Your at Sector 76."

You're vs your again.

"Cool, is there a place where I can crash?"
"Go halfway down here to that sign, it says hotel. You either have to pay or do chores, unless your only staying one night. If your only staying one night, you get no food and a crap room."
"Guess I'm doing chores, thanks man."
"Don't mention it."

I finish my cigarette and stomp on it, then move on down the street. I look around, this place is loud, bright, and annoying. I arrive at the hotel and ask for a room, paying with chores for two nights. I walk up to my room to find a queen size bed with red everything on it, sheets, pillows, covers, even the mattress itself is red. There's a tv, a phone set, and a window. I jump on the bed, trying to ignore the red, fall asleep, from exhaustion.

Again, describing everything isn't always necessary. Especially the tv, phone set, and window. This kind of stuff is normally in a hotel room, so unless they are interesting, unusual, or have some part in the plot, you don't need to describe them.

I hoped you enjoyed the story, I probably won't be posting another chapter for awhile cause I'm about to be in high school and won't have time to post. I'll still write, just not post.

This seems a bit short to be called a chapter. Especially if you're planning on writing a book. While you do a good job with the character's powers and have some skill with the banter between Instinct and Da, it seems lacking in a lot of areas as well. Many of the details are unimportant, and events move by very fast without having any real significance. Lastly, not a lot happened here to hook the reader. It started off well, with falling and demon powers, etc. But then it fell into the tired amnesia plot and ended without something of significance occurring.

All in all, not bad for someone who hasn't gotten into highschool yet. My advice would be to take as many English classes as possible, as these will help you most with writing. Also: READ. A lot. Especially novels. It'll give you examples of good writing and expand your vocabulary.

Good Luck!

[mhzinski]

I will organize my criticism in increasing level of literary complexity.

Grammar:

There's a difference between your and you're. Your indicates possession and will still make (a little) sense if written as "of yours", you're is a contraction meaning "you are". There is inconsistent usage or your meaning you're in the writing.

If a word is not used in its entire spelling to indicate its usage in dialog there should be an apostrophe before it. Writing 'til or 'cause instead of til or cause is the professional way of doing it.

Even if dialog is not spoken, but thought out in a manner that mimics conversation, it would be better practice to structure it in quotation marks to separate between the character and the "instinct". Italics are not the best way to indicate this difference. Though manuals will say to NEVER write characters thoughts in quotation marks. You are using the "instinct" as a different character and should think of the discourse more as speaking telepathically then the character thinking. If the "instinct" were not a different character he shouldn't have more information than the main character does about himself, he should know as much as the main character. Even if this is being used as a split personality of the main character, they are for writing's sake different characters. There is an exchange of information rather than speculation or emotional processes that can be written in italics or to indicate some personal reflection. The relationship with the character and the "instinct" is interpersonal in your writing.

Characterization:

Amnesia is a very difficult device to use because it looks 9 times out of 10 like the author doesn't know how to introduce the reader to the character and wants to reveal his character as the writing develops. This is easier to do in video games where the designer may want the player to impose themselves on the main character, but that is not the intent in writing a fully developed character. Being able to give the reader and idea of who they are dealing with and gradually reveal more of this established character shows much more developmental complexity and maturity in the writing process.

Establishing a society that refers to places as sectors and doesn't have a standardized currency system where you can pay for a hotel with "chores" seems so nonchalantly introduced. The tones seems to suggest the reader shouldn't be surprised by this or expect an explanation that someone in a strange environment with amnesia would be so casual and non-demanding after so recently escaping death is almost inhuman behavior. Having the character behave in a way that seems illogical is a good method of ruining any connection the reader can make with a character.

Conclusion:

Reads like a fan-fiction of many different video games composited together. That's not a criticism of originality, but that it seems the writing was more influenced by video games than actual writing and reads more like a series of events in a video game rather than a novel. A better understanding or writing and storytelling outside of the context of video games would be helpful to further development.

4/10 writing.

[FieryLighting]

Thanks, I'll definitely work on this. Thanks for the criticism, man, now I know what to work on, time to edit the story a bit. I may or may not post the next chapter, I have a bit of replanning to do, mainly the amnesia, the writing of Instincts, how he knows so much anyway, I had an idea for how he did, but I trashed that. I'll definitely be reconsidering that, if I can find all the notes on that version of Instincts. I actually did get some inspiration from video games, I read a lot of books too, I guess I need to read a bit more, find some more first person books so I can figure out how to write this, cause I mainly read second person. Thanks, I'll be back, trust on that.