The Cabbie's Friend

[BrianEtrius]

Penned originally on a bar napkin. Please enjoy and comment.

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ItâEUTMs another crummy night in a crummy bar in a crummy side of town. The beerâEUTMs here too warm, the gameâEUTMs off and the drunks are too obnoxious. So why I am still here? IâEUTMve been pondering that question myself after a few more rounds.
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Is it the people around me? Sure, theyâEUTMre loud. Yeah, theyâEUTMre drunk. And okay, maybe one of them is up there on stage, shirt half-tucked, trying to belt out the high notes to JourneyâEUTMs âEUoeDonâEUTMt Stop BelievinâEUTMâEU (dear God, is that really happening?) but itâEUTMs not annoying. To the contrary, most people are finding this behavior humorous.
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How about then the game? IâEUTMm pretty sure we won. Took them down 5-2 after 9. McGee went 7 strong, gave up 1 and fanned 8. Gibson clobbered home 3 ribs with a 3-bagger in the 5th and Turkleton later bombed a 2-runner in the 8th. Normally on nights like these IâEUTMd like to watch the game and get my mind off the other things that are going on, but it looks like tonight isnâEUTMt going to be one of those nights.
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How about the booze then? This isnâEUTMt half bad Kentucky Bourbon. Hell, even I donâEUTMt know what it is. All I know is that this stuff is gonna cost me once I settle the bill with the bartender. Judging how well my nightâEUTMs going, IâEUTMd also say that itâEUTMs almost time to put the drink down.
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But why should I put it down? ThatâEUTMs why IâEUTMm here, right? Funny how a little sip can make life a little grayer around the edges. It helps settle the soul and keeps the ego in check, making all of lifeâEUTMs little problems go away by dissolving them in a mixture of sadness and ale until it is one big blur.
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 That blurriness isnâEUTMt happening tonight. Sometimes, the mind howls and thereâEUTMs no escaping it.
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When the cabbie asks where I want to go, I donâEUTMt respond. I hand him a 20 and tell him to just drive.
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Sunrises are beautiful when alone.

[BrianEtrius]

Are you kidding me? Here we go again..........
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ItâEUTMs another crummy night in a crummy bar in a crummy side of town. The beerâEUTMs here too warm, the gameâEUTMs off and the drunks are too obnoxious. So why I am still here? IâEUTMve been pondering that question myself after a few more rounds.

Is it the people around me? Sure, theyâEUTMre loud. Yeah, theyâEUTMre drunk. And okay, maybe one of them is up there on stage, shirt half-tucked, trying to belt out the high notes to JourneyâEUTMs âEUoeDonâEUTMt Stop BelievinâEUTMâEU (dear God, is that really happening?) but itâEUTMs not annoying. To the contrary, most people are finding this behavior humorous.

How about then the game? IâEUTMm pretty sure we won. Took them down 5-2 after 9. McGee went 7 strong, gave up 1 and fanned 8. Gibson clobbered home 3 ribs with a 3-bagger in the 5th and Turkleton later bombed a 2-runner in the 8th. Normally on nights like these IâEUTMd like to watch the game and get my mind off the other things that are going on, but it looks like tonight isnâEUTMt going to be one of those nights.

How about the booze then? This isnâEUTMt half bad Kentucky Bourbon. Hell, even I donâEUTMt know what it is. All I know is that this stuff is gonna cost me once I settle the bill with the bartender. Judging how well my nightâEUTMs going, IâEUTMd also say that itâEUTMs almost time to put the drink down.

But why should I put it down? ThatâEUTMs why IâEUTMm here, right? Funny, how a little sip can make life a little grayer around the edges. It helps settle the soul and keeps the ego in check, making all of lifeâEUTMs little problems go away by dissolving them in a mixture of sadness and ale until it is one big blur.

That blurriness isnâEUTMt happening tonight. Sometimes, the mind howls, and thereâEUTMs no escaping it.

When the cabbie asks where I want to go, I donâEUTMt respond. I hand him a 20 and tell him to just drive.

Sunrises are beautiful when alone.

[starwarsjunkie]

First off, I suggest you check out Lit101 and look at the section about copying from word. That'll save your "s and your 's from becoming âEUTMs.

As far as the actual writing goes, its not bad. A bit melancholy which isn't a bad thing. Other then that not much I can say, its an interesting little piece.

[Enamour]

I wrote something with a similar set up years ago. I couldn't sleep that night and got up at 3AM, went to a nightclub and nursed two beers until the bouncers rounded up the last suckers. Saw the sunrise walking out that morning. It's really strange, I wouldn't say surprising, the amount of attention you attract sitting alone in a corner when your mission is observation.

Concerning the piece; it's really short so I'm assuming you want to keep it within that scope. I would suggest that you make the signs you're using to impress upon the reader the atmosphere a little more immediate. Instead of talking about, or having your character thinking about the cost of his drinks you could make it more immediate and engaging by going for something like "The bartender set down my drink. I slid 20(dollars?) across the bar and cringed when he handed me back one silver and one copper coin." FYI I don't know US currency but you get the idea.

If the bar is all that crummy then your 20 dollar bill could soak up some spilled beer that the bartender won't bother to wipe up. If you're aiming to expand this at all then you could maybe have a drunk invading the narrator's personal space which motivates him further towards a need for isolation and something meaningful(sunrise). Immediacy is important for a piece like this.