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"The Equilibrium Bureau"

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drewhadou
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"The Equilibrium Bureau" Jul. 29th, 2012 @ 10:40 PM Reply

this is a brief excerpt from a story i'm writing. i'm currently looking for artists or anyone savy with creating NG videos for a possible collab. as there will be a lot of action, flash, flair, violence and the sort, i'm thinking creators like Terkoiz, Granfaloon or Lifepoint 1 would best fit the style. anyways, tell me what you guys think. any and all forms of feedback and questions are welcome. hope you all enjoy.

The Equilibrium Bureau (Excerpt);

Prologue:

Equilibrium Bureau Mission Statement-

As a species, the human race is impelled to dream. Their uncanny ability to imagine and confabulate life and substance from mere notion, to concoct matter from simple thought in the cauldrons of their collective psyches, makes them perhaps the most interesting and potentially dangerous life form in this world, and possibly any other on known record. It is when these creations - these ethereal fragments of perceived lore, fiction and fable - form into a collective article, that human thought takes tangible shape and from it forms new life. And more often than not, humanity comes to call these shapes [Gods].

As the bonds of time and space ebb and flow, upon creating them, they create us, as well as all other beings both benign and malign in nature that reside within the universe. Unknowingly humanity is forever teetering between its own ascent and destruction, and it for this reason that we, the Inter dimensional Equilibrium Bureau, exists. As beings classified amongst mankind as supernaturals, espers, witches, inhumans, shape-shifters, demi-gods, aliens, and paranormal entities, it is our purpose and singular mission to - in effect - protect mankind from itself, and its own potential to create. For it is we and we alone who stand between them and the cancerous malign entities which would pervert, erode and destroy the delicate balance of the universe.

Our mission;

- To protect humanity and the balance from hostile entities.
- To protect misguided entities from a mentally unprepared humanity.
- To serve as sanctuary for any and all displaced beings of otherworldly origin.
- To safeguard and maintain the balance between the creators and the created.

As a new member to the E.B. staff, this mission and simple truth should be made clear; Our work as the universes' guardians is one brimming with exhaustive hours, perilous journeys to hostile locales and dimensions, daily threats to our very existence, and promised to hold little in way of reward than no recognition from the public for our efforts. As a member of the E.B. your greatest reward is to continue existing, your greatest feats to be witnessed by none, and your most outstanding accomplishments to be documented in Bureau script only, and expressed through no greater medium than written or verbal anonymity. For our joy and reward is maintaining the balance, nothing more, nothing less.

Sincerest welcomes and congratulations,

- Danyael Seraph; Executive Director of the Equilibrium Bureau

1.

- Cyan Lin Rain

You ever catch yourself starring wide eyed and in sheer amazement at something totally unbelievable that someone else has said to you? Not like, this one time, at bible camp outrageous, or even in the creepyI know what you did last spring. kind of way. I mean something that you know in your heart of hearts just isn't, and couldn't be true. Something so overwhelmingly ridiculous, so undeniably false, that all you can do is just look at them in awe. Look at them, and tell by the completely humorless look carved on their featureless face that -- regardless of how crazy and totally untrue it must be -- they aren't lying...
That's where I am right now. Ok, well thats not completely accurate I suppose. Where I am is in what I once thought was my office. By office I course mean my 72x 62 some odd inch cubicle that I swore was getting smaller by the day. The state I'm in is -- suffice it to say -- not a completely coherent one. I'm in my chair, inside my cubicle. Everything appears normal, except for the fact that everything inside the grander office is...dim. The office lights are off and have been replaced by these strange blue lights that are wafting this way and that in such a way that they couldn't be anything else but large torch lights that are being held by other people. I'm in my chair, in my cubicle, in the dark, with strange blue flashlights wavering into and out of my sight. If that weren't strange enough, the entire area that I can see beyond my cubicle, appears to be engulfed smoke. I know what you're thinking, its a fire. That's what I thought too at first. That a fire had broken out in the office, and that the emergencies had switched to life, and that everyone else in the office had (silently) filed out of the place.
That's what I thought...until I realized there was no heat. You'd think if the office were on fired I'd at least be able to feel heat. But no, there isn't any. There isn't any, because the smoke swirling around me isn't smoke, its...fog. I'm sitting in my chair, inside my shrinking cubicle, inside the grander office...which is filled with fog. Its thick and gray and muggy as if I were outside. Its so outrageous that I tell myself several times while trying to will my limbs to move that I must be dreaming. That's it, thats what this is,I think to myself.I'm dreaming, and in a few moments I'm going to wake up inside my flat to the irritating sound of my alarm clock going off while Oz -- my striped tabby -- bats at my nose to tell me its time to feed him. That must be it. But then I see one of the blue lights turn in my direction. It settles on me, and the light is so bright that it makes me want to lift a hand in front of my face in defense. I can't though, I can't move my limbs still, so I settle with just squinting.

"Who...who is that?" I manage to say in a voice that doesn't quite sound like my own. "Jonah, is that you?"

Jonah is this one office temp who insists I'll eventually want to go out on a date with him if he keeps cracking lame jokes and pulling pranks that would make primary school kids turn their noses up in distaste. I think its Jonah at first, I wish for it to be him. Someone familiar in a dream is always a good thing. Only its not Jonah. While Jonah is barely my height and built like his body is composed of 60 percent marshmellow, this guy holding the blue torch light towards me is tall. He's tall, long limbed, dressed in some sort of all black suit that should say "Hazmat" somewhere, and -- despite my eyes being a bit on the hazy side -- is wearing a black gas mask.

"Hey!" I hear him say in a muffled bark behind his mask. "I got one over here!"

He isn't talking to me, he's calling to someone else. In a couple more seconds one of the other blue lights shifts its direction and comes into view.

"Alive?" A second voice asks, which is strange because...well...why wouldn't I be?

This form, a shorter and stockier looking person in the same kind of hazard suit with the same kind of gas mask, points his light down to me.

"Looks like it...if a bit out of it" says the first man.

"What's going on here. Who are you?" I ask.

Neither man speaks. The second then pulls out this weird looking box from seemingly out of nowhere on his person. Its a brilliant blue color and looks to be made of marble or granite of some sort. Etched all across its sides are these weird white symbols. Intricate patterns that are -- though my eyes are still a bit jacked -- swirling inside and along the box's surface. The man in the suit holds it in front of me, and the carved shapes start doing a dull little dance on it. A slow shifting from side to side, that would look pretty if it weren't for the fact I don't know what the hell its for or what any of this supposed to mean.

And then comes the ridiculous statement. The thing that can't possibly be true.

"Nope, not alive" the figure says matter-of-factly. "She's still here, still in this dimension somehow as a shade after the shift...but she definitely ain't alive."

- TBC

mhzinski
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Response to "The Equilibrium Bureau" Jul. 29th, 2012 @ 11:19 PM Reply

Tediously slow entry, coupled with an anonymous main character makes it no fun to read.

The description of the writing is uninspired at it's best moments, things seems bland and flavorless and are words that have been read and written millions of other times before. The attempts at humor fall terribly flat and exaggerations aren't even all that impressive.

Even the whole "suits that secretly govern the world" thing seems uninspired and cliche, as of now the suits in question aren't different from any other suits and the main character isn't one. I understand trying to ease the reader in, but this is a 1% grade trying to immerse the reader, and waiting until the first 20,000 words are read to like something about it is not worth it. Having something to hold on to and relate to are infinitely more important.

The structure is much more solidly establish and well presented. The problems lie not in the presentation but the bland execution.

A yawning lack of colorful details and characters makes it a poor opening. 6/10 writing.

drewhadou
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Response to "The Equilibrium Bureau" Jul. 30th, 2012 @ 12:21 AM Reply

hmmmm...scathing, and yet totally unhelpful. i guess there has to be at least one in every group though. next! lol

starwarsjunkie
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Response to "The Equilibrium Bureau" Jul. 30th, 2012 @ 10:31 AM Reply

At 7/29/12 10:40 PM, drewhadou wrote:
Their uncanny ability to imagine and confabulate life and substance from mere notion, to concoct matter from simple thought in the cauldrons of their collective psyches, makes them perhaps the most interesting and potentially dangerous life form in this world, and possibly any other on known record.

I learned a new word today. I'm not sure if you need to put imagine and confabulate. It seems that they both have very similar meanings. You might be able to get away with just one of them.

As the bonds of time and space ebb and flow, upon creating them, they create us, as well as all other beings both benign and malign in nature that reside within the universe. Unknowingly humanity is forever teetering between its own ascent and destruction, and it for this reason that we, the Inter dimensional Equilibrium Bureau, exists. As beings classified amongst mankind as supernaturals, espers, witches, inhumans, shape-shifters, demi-gods, aliens, and paranormal entities, it is our purpose and singular mission to - in effect - protect mankind from itself, and its own potential to create. For it is we and we alone who stand between them and the cancerous malign entities which would pervert, erode and destroy the delicate balance of the universe.

I like the idea that all the supernatural stuff has been created by humanity's imagination. This is off-topic, but have you ever seen The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya? That has a similar plot which you might find interesting. While the whole "secret society protecting the world from the shadows" has been done before, I think that the wide variety of supernatural critters available could make for some interesting stories/battle scenes.

I like where you went with the ending of part 1. That's a very good hook, I already want to know what happened! This is a very interesting story idea and I think that you could definitely turn it into something, provided you're willing to put some more work into it. You've got a bunch of little errors scattered throughout the piece. Make sure you check spelling and grammar before you submit. You seem overly fond of sentences with lots of clauses. Instead of having one sentence with three commas in it, split it apart. It'll sound better and won't be so confusing for the reader.

You'll have to do some more characterization as well, letting us see the personalities of the characters. But that will probably come when you've expanded the story some more. You might want to introduce a little more info about the main character before "the shift" occurs however. Right now we don't know anything about her. Get insider her character a little bit, think about who she is and then find some ways to tell us, before you jump into the action.

Anywho, I like what you've got so far, and wish you luck on turning this into a full story!


Grungy Mech action in 1940s Russia! Read Iron and Ice!

drewhadou
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Response to "The Equilibrium Bureau" Jul. 30th, 2012 @ 06:35 PM Reply

At 7/30/12 10:31 AM, starwarsjunkie wrote:
At 7/29/12 10:40 PM, drewhadou wrote:
Their uncanny ability to imagine and confabulate life and substance from mere notion, to concoct matter from simple thought in the cauldrons of their collective psyches, makes them perhaps the most interesting and potentially dangerous life form in this world, and possibly any other on known record.
I learned a new word today. I'm not sure if you need to put imagine and confabulate. It seems that they both have very similar meanings. You might be able to get away with just one of them.

As the bonds of time and space ebb and flow, upon creating them, they create us, as well as all other beings both benign and malign in nature that reside within the universe. Unknowingly humanity is forever teetering between its own ascent and destruction, and it for this reason that we, the Inter dimensional Equilibrium Bureau, exists. As beings classified amongst mankind as supernaturals, espers, witches, inhumans, shape-shifters, demi-gods, aliens, and paranormal entities, it is our purpose and singular mission to - in effect - protect mankind from itself, and its own potential to create. For it is we and we alone who stand between them and the cancerous malign entities which would pervert, erode and destroy the delicate balance of the universe.
I like the idea that all the supernatural stuff has been created by humanity's imagination. This is off-topic, but have you ever seen The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya? That has a similar plot which you might find interesting. While the whole "secret society protecting the world from the shadows" has been done before, I think that the wide variety of supernatural critters available could make for some interesting stories/battle scenes.

I like where you went with the ending of part 1. That's a very good hook, I already want to know what happened! This is a very interesting story idea and I think that you could definitely turn it into something, provided you're willing to put some more work into it. You've got a bunch of little errors scattered throughout the piece. Make sure you check spelling and grammar before you submit. You seem overly fond of sentences with lots of clauses. Instead of having one sentence with three commas in it, split it apart. It'll sound better and won't be so confusing for the reader.

You'll have to do some more characterization as well, letting us see the personalities of the characters. But that will probably come when you've expanded the story some more. You might want to introduce a little more info about the main character before "the shift" occurs however. Right now we don't know anything about her. Get insider her character a little bit, think about who she is and then find some ways to tell us, before you jump into the action.

Anywho, I like what you've got so far, and wish you luck on turning this into a full story!

yeah, i'm just going to go with confabulate on that one. good call with dicing down the sentences a bit. if i get a big idea for an image or line they don't usually get edited down until about the second or third draft i've noticed. i'll definitely keep it in mind. despite naysayer's whinning, there is a hell of lot more detail going into the world/s and characters involved that will be built upon. the mission statement and opening chapter's purpose isn't to ride Tolkein's nuts with vivid 'colorful details' and spellbind the audience with yarns upon yarns of fancified imagery. its groundwork, plain and simple. critiques that aren't capable of parsing stories before analyzing them are critiques i don't need...especially if they aren't giving me any real ideas on how to make them better or are coming from folks who (i'm noticing more and more on NG) are more than willing to judge, yet are themselves pretty silent when comes to putting their own work up for review.

thanks for the insight though mate. first 'useful' piece of feedback i've received. i'll keep at it.