No title, but I need feedback.

[TrueWolf123]

Ch.1

There I was, trapped in the abandoned theater where it was about 12, at midnight. My flashlight was dying and so it gave off a faint glow. As I carefully trotted inside, I noticed the clock was idle at five minutes past twelve. I waited for a minute before realizing that it was stuck on that that time. I had forgotten my watch, therefore, I had no sense of time.
I warily made my way to the inner theater from the balcony level. As I entered, I discovered that I had to be aware with my footing, since the floorboards didn't seem impervious to my weight. As I turned toward the door from which I entered, I noticed a burnt out electric EXIT sign, broken and hanging crooked and upside down.
"Some horror scene this is...Pfft! Yeah right," I thought to myself.
I turned my attention toward the curtains that would have covered the stage. Cobwebs were ensnared all over. It looked as if something was inhabiting this place...
Suddenly, I heard some kind of scrapping against the wood. I looked around cautiously around my surroundings. Then, I slowly looked upward.
That was when I saw the colossal beast, a 200 foot tall spider that lurked in the shadows just above.

Ch. 2

It just stayed there, looming over me with those huge, menacing, dark green eyes, piercing through my body as I stood there, paralyzed. By the looks of it, this eight-legged creature didn't seem much of the benevolent type. To be able to perfectly describe this monster would be too difficult, since my eyes had not adjusted to the darkness.
Then, slowly and steadily, the spider had set its gaze upon me, scrutinizing every bit of my body. Without thinking twice, I slowly lifted my flashlight toward the beast that slowly crawled above me. As I did so, my horrors were confirmed.
It was the very same creature that had terrorized the people of Liverpool only five years ago, the "La Enfant Terrible". Just to catch a glimpse of it was just magnificent, and at the same time, gave off a malevolent feeling.
Suddenly, my flashlight, my only source of light, had faded away into complete darkness. The only thing that was shining was the spider's uncanny eyes, and the exit that was 50 feet away on the balcony. The only problem was that that only exit on the balcony was about to be blocked by the colossus. So the only way to escape was to jump off the balcony...
I knew the slightest movement would give the beast an impetus to attack. I had to time it right, or my life would be cut short. Suddenly the spider had prepared to lunge at me.
"There's no going back," I thought. Then, with quick thought, I leaped off the balcony, and the beast did the same toward me. It was time to run...

Ch. 3

Falling from the balcony, I dodged the spider's attack, but it wasn't without consequences. I had landed pretty hard, injuring both of my legs and thinking I had broken at least one of them. They were both in major pain, and it looked like I was going to be limping from now on. I found a piece of debris on the ground and threw it at the spider's eye to try to stun it. Literally, it bounced off while only angering the monster even more. It seemed totally invulnerable to pain.
I quickly staggered to the exit, with the animal follow close behind. My hopes were raised as I inched closer to the door, certain that I was going to make it out of this nightmare alive. But fate had a different view of it.
As I was only inches away, something had landed on my back that kept me from going backward. And it looked as if the door was moving away from me!
"What the hell..." I reluctantly turned around, and sure enough, my pursuer's web had latched onto me. How stupid I was! To think that I can outrun this hunter without considering the fact it had outsmarted me before the chase even started.
The spider, pulling me with it's web, started to open its jaw. I was starting to become horrified. Will I be able to get out of this alive...? I was no inches away from the spider's teeth, its breath so foul that not even one thousand men could withstand together. Was this the end?
Suddenly, a gunshot rang out and I was ripped free from the web's grip. I quickly examined the spider, checking if it was moving at all. Dead. Soon after, I looked around to see where was the origin of the gunshot. A second later, a man in a dark, menacing cloak appeared at the theater entrance.
"Who are you?" I asked.
"You don't remember me, do you? I'm an old friend," he replied, in a somewhat intimidating voice, and slowly removed his hood that had darkened his face.

Ch. 4

Battle scars was all over his face. Scars of bullet gashes, knife wounds, and the most terrifying of all, the fake eye, decorated by a slash right through where the original eye may have been.
"Remember me, comrade?" The man had a familiar expression emitting from his face and his voice sounded similar to someone I may have known in the past. Was this stranger hostile, or an ally?
"I...don't know," I was being truthful. I couldn't remember who this man was even if he clocked me with a baseball bat, if in fact he carried that with him now...
"Pity. Were were great friends. And to think you'd be glad to see me at a time like this." Somehow Knowing what my next question would be, he continued, "And no, I am no enemy."
"Sorry....sir." I felt a little embarrassed. Was I supposed know him? Was he important?
"Well," clearing his throat, the man continued. "Let's clear things up first, shall we? My name is Adamska Canoski, a member of the Third Crusade, ranked as a Chief Officer first class. Do you remember me now?"
The Third Crusade, a faction of soldiers who tried to rebel against the corrupt prime minister in England....Something had happened. Something bad....and it sounded familiar.
"It does ring a bell, Adamska. But is it important?" I was a bit curious.
"Yes it is comrade. Or should I say... Lieutenant Colonel Cabal Darkburn?"
I was a bit stunned. I don't remember being a Lieutenant Colonel, nor did I remember being named Cabal. I had thought my name was Connor. "Is that my real name?" I asked.
"Man....you've really lost your memory, huh?" Adamska looked a bit frustrated.
"I'm sure you'll remember soon, comrade. Now, we should be leaving this theater soon."
"Why's that?" I asked. Suddenly, I heard a low grumbling noise... I turned and looked at the dead creature that was presumed dead only minutes ago, only to see that it was now stirring up again. "Oh my god....I thought it was dead..." Feelings of terror and adrenaline was about to rush through my body again.
"You didn't think one bullet would kill it, now did you? I used a tranquilizer," he stated. "Come now, unless you want to be tangled again."
He swiftly moved toward the exit, with me following close behind, as I was still limping from the fall off the balcony. As we left, I can hear thrashing of debris coming from inside the theater...

[BrianEtrius]

It'sa nice start. You should definitely take out the ideas of chapters here, as the story's currently too short and the chapters break up the flow of the piece.
However, what this piece lacks is emotion, and that's on part of lack of character development until the wee end. Why should the readers care about the protagonist? Dive into his mind more and let the reader know what's going on inides this guy's head.
Also, the ending brings a lot of detail really fast. Try spreading this out, otherwise readers get lost.
Good 2nd draft. Now come back with a kickass 3rd.

[TrueWolf123]

lol 2nd? where'd the 3rd come from?

[BrianEtrius]

At 7/17/12 11:36 PM, TrueWolf123 wrote: lol 2nd? where'd the 3rd come from?

A first draft would literally be bare bones; no regards to spelling, grammar, or sentence structure. It's purely thought. Very rarely do other people read first drafts.

[TrueWolf123]

ah...but i never made a 2nd draft.
this is considered my first.

[BrianEtrius]

At 7/17/12 11:57 PM, TrueWolf123 wrote: ah...but i never made a 2nd draft.
this is considered my first.

More reason why to draft then. A large part of writing is refinement.

[Fercheze]

Well, your writing has potential. I would work on making the details of the setting blend in more smoootly with the rest of the writing. Accomplishing that will make the story progress better. Now for character building, well there isn't much of it at all. Although I don't know how to give tips on how to do it better. Im better at detail tips. Try reading this and see if you can pull anything out of it.

âEUoeDude, you O.K? CâEUTMmon we gotta goâEU A male voice said. The man the voice belonged to walked over to me and reached out his hand. The man was wearing a thick, red, collared coat. A small amount of light glimmered of a badge pinned to his chest. We were in a small alleyway littered with small puddles of water; behind me was a wet, concrete wall.

âEUoeYou took a nasty fall after climbing the wall.âEU The man said after getting Josh onto his feet.

âEUoeWho are you, whatâEUTMs going on?âEU I said, dazed.

âEUoeYou donâEUTMt remember me? I guess you mustâEUTMve hit your head. Listen IâEUTMm Brian, your partner remember? We have to go, just follow me. I will fill you in later.âEU Brian said.

Brian turned and ran down the alleyway, having no other option Josh followed. The alley quickly opened to a road. An above ground subway station shown across the street along with several small shantyâEUTMs beneath it. There were people walking around a small fire at the edge of the shanties.

âEUoeHeâEUTMs in there somewhere, câEUTMmon.âEU Brian said, drawing a pistol from a holster inside his coat.

We jogged across the street to the Shanty village. Some of the residents were surprised by there approach while others carried on with what they were doing. Josh looked down and noticed he had the same badge that Brian did; I looked closer and found that I also had a pistol.

[Fercheze]

At 7/18/12 07:01 PM, Fercheze wrote:

:Apparently something messed up when I pasted it from Word. Don't worry, it's not plagiarism. I wrote it myself.

[Deathcon7]

At 7/18/12 07:03 PM, Fercheze wrote:

At 7/18/12 07:01 PM, Fercheze wrote: Apparently something messed up when I pasted it from Word. Don't worry, it's not plagiarism. I wrote it myself.

Copying directly from word will do that. Remove the special characters before posting. Also, don't derail a thread by posting something you've written unless it's the content of the post, or illustration of a given example. And, if the latter, make it brief.

At 7/17/12 10:52 PM, TrueWolf123 wrote: Ch.1

There I was, trapped in the abandoned theater where it was about 12, at midnight.

With something this short, the first sentence is extremely important. This isn't a good start. Remember that you want to make your words count. Everything should have a purpose. That being said, this sentence can be excised completely.

My flashlight was dying and so it gave off a faint glow.

If you want to establish the character is using a flashlight to see, show it, don't tell it. Excise this sentence too.

As I carefully trotted inside, I noticed the clock was idle at five minutes past twelve. I waited for a minute before realizing that it was stuck on that that time. I had forgotten my watch, therefore, I had no sense of time.

Talking about the time again, why? What does it matter? Also, how do you trot carefully? Adverbs should be a warning to you that what you're writing is weak. All of this needs to be excised.

I warily made my way to the inner theater from the balcony level. As I entered, I discovered that I had to be aware with my footing, since the floorboards didn't seem impervious to my weight.

Another adverb. You're killin me, Smalls. Also, you're telling at a point where you should be creating tension. If the floor boards are creaking, what kind of conflict could that generate? This is where I would probably start the story. The floors are creaking, I need to get through, otherwise xyz happens. So now the reader knows something is happening. Next, set the stakes.

As I turned toward the door from which I entered, I noticed a burnt out electric EXIT sign, broken and hanging crooked and upside down.
"Some horror scene this is...Pfft! Yeah right," I thought to myself.
I turned my attention toward the curtains that would have covered the stage. Cobwebs were ensnared all over.

More superfluous detail. What purpose does it serve? I get you're trying to set the scene, but the details you're giving are not important. Right now you should be, as I said, establishing the stakes. Excise this.

It looked as if something was inhabiting this place...

Dun, dun, duuuuun. You're telling the reader it "looked such and such way, but this is progress. You're deepening the conflict. You're working toward establishing the stakes. You want to work up a twist, a quick zinger to make the readers care. "My asthma was acting up," "my sisters cancer meds were just across the way," things to that effect. It helps establish the stakes and creates a challenge for the character or a MacGuffin. Its very tentative, but it's something to grab on to.

Suddenly, I heard some kind of scrapping against the wood. I looked around cautiously around my surroundings. Then, I slowly looked upward.

I'm sure there's plenty of content out there on why using "suddenly" is rarely a good idea. Also, the character shouldn't be hearing things, that's telling. Something should be scrapping against wood. It should be real, and now, and present. Also, avoid being influenced by visual media in your description. By "slowly [looking] upward" you're insinuating the character knows there's something there. He doesn't. He's afraid, but he doesn't know. You're setting up the next sentence and dissipating the tension.

That was when I saw the colossal beast, a 200 foot tall spider that lurked in the shadows just above.

Okay, great, a giant spider. So what. There's no build up, there's no fourplay; we're going straight to giant bad-guy intercourse. For a horror story, this approach is so heavy handed it defeats itself. Unless, of course, you're giving the story to very intense arachnophobes.

As my buddy Brian like's to say, writing is refinement. The first draft is almost entirely rubbish. Your second draft is when you want to get critique. And your third draft should be the result of taking that critique to heart (and getting more feedback). I've heard of writers doing 8 drafts on their novels. A short story should go through at least four or five.

[TrueWolf123]

Thank you so much!

[Fluffychickens]

At 7/18/12 07:01 PM, Fercheze wrote: Well, your writing has potential. I would work on making the details of the setting blend in more smoootly with the rest of the writing. Accomplishing that will make the story progress better. Now for character building, well there isn't much of it at all. Although I don't know how to give tips on how to do it better. Im better at detail tips. Try reading this and see if you can pull anything out of it.

We jogged across the street to the Shanty village. Some of the residents were surprised by there approach while others carried on with what they were doing. Josh looked down and noticed he had the same badge that Brian did; I looked closer and found that I also had a pistol.

"Dude, you O.K? "mon we gotta go" A male voice said. The man the voice belonged to walked over to me and reached out his hand. The man was wearing a thick, red, collared coat. A small amount of light glimmered of a badge pinned to his chest. We were in a small alleyway littered with small puddles of water; behind me was a wet, concrete wall.
"You took a nasty fall after climbing the wall." The man said after getting Josh onto his feet.
"Who are you, what's going on?" (âEU) I said, dazed.
"You donâ't remember me? I guess you must've hit your head. Listen I'm Brian, your partner remember? We have to go, just follow me. I will fill you in later." Brian said.
Brian turned and ran down the alleyway, having no other option Josh followed. The alley quickly opened to a road. An above ground subway station shown across the street along with several small shanty's beneath it. There were people walking around a small fire at the edge of the shanties.
"He's in there somewhere, 'mon." Brian said, drawing a pistol from a holster inside his coat.
We jogged across the street to the Shanty village. Some of the residents were surprised by there approach while others carried on with what they were doing. Josh looked down and noticed he had the same badge that Brian did; I looked closer and found that I also had a pistol.

[Fluffychickens]

At 7/18/12 08:41 PM, TrueWolf123 wrote: Thank you so much!

Also, Your story rocked- I'd hope that just one shot wouldn't have taken the spider down, but who knows what it was shot with. You do?

[Fluffychickens]

At 7/17/12 10:52 PM, TrueWolf123 wrote:

:"You didn't think one bullet would kill it, now did you? I used a tranquilizer," he stated. "Come now, unless you want to be tangled again."

Someone please tell me if spiders can be tranquilized-