Yet another birthday... I hope this one will be way better than the last one. To those who don't know what happened, gather 'round, its story time.
LSD and I were going to a place that served food with enough grease in it to power a diesel generator for 3 days. I gave her a cupcake with a single candle in it so she would lower her guard... thinking that my present was over... but it most certainly wasn't. A giant cake with a stripper inside of it was waiting for her. It was arranged that 2 men in tuxes would cart the cake into our path were the cake would explode, showering us both in frosting and fluffyness. An argument was roaring between us on what the best children's show was: Blue's Clues, or Bananas in Pajamas, when a giant white mound of... whiteness caught my eye. Had I not been distracted by the cake and trying to not look pleased with myself, I might have noticed that the men in tuxes weren't the ones I hired. When we were in position i grabbed LSD's (henceforth refereed to as Madam Stardust) arm to get her to stop and stopped hiding my smirk. The look on my face said it all and left a look of pure terror on her's. My face mirrored Madam Stardust's when instead of a steroid injected mass of twitching muscles wearing nothing but an eyepatch, a man in a military uniform popped out lining us up in his sights before he pulled the trigger... *POP* *POP*
My head hurt, my body hurt, hell, even my hair hurt Groans to my side indicate that Madam Stardust feels the same way. The groaning stops and before I can panic my ears pick up something that i haven't heard in a very long time... the horrifyingly angry scream of Madam Stardust the terrible. "WHERE IN THE NAME OF BUDDHA'S DONG ARE WE!!!!" After I open my eyes I see nothing but a white ceiling, to my left there is a row of cots with people in them, and to my right, more cots but only one person, Madam Stardust, moving towards me fist first. Before the punch can land, a large mechanical hand grabs her and pulls her away faster than i can blink, I knew I was next. For those of you who think that the arcade game were you grab stuffed animals with a claw is fun, thing about it from the stuffed animals perspective. What ever you imagine, multiply that by 12 and that's what its like.
Being a bullet wouldn't be much fun either I decided, after I was shoved in a tube and shot off in a random direction. Why is it than when your having fun an hour can seem like 10 seconds, but when your soiling yourself in fear 10 seconds seems like an hour? I'll tell you why, because time is an evil bastard. The crash jarred me and the pad I was in threw me out. noticing the smell was in terms of nastiness, bordered on herpes. looking around and seeing no one, I take my pants off. an unmistakable crunch is heard behind me 'I'm going to either get killed or eaten, maybe both', "why are you always taking your pants off in front of me? Perv", Madam Stardust says in an bored, almost uncaring voice.
"Why are you always looking at me when i take my pants off? Perv", my response beautifully articulated as always. When My pants are finally back on I notice that she looks a bit more Ferrell then i remember. Her clothing is ripped, there is red war paint on her face, and she is carrying a machete. I don't ask, I probably don't want to know.
"Your following me, the last time you lead the way a man popped out of a cake and look how that ended up" she walks into the forest as i respond with silence again. In my long years of being a friend of Madam Stardust, I have learned that it's not a good idea to make her mad, especially when she has a sharp object in her hand. We had no idea what we were doing, where we were going, or even where we were, but non of that would stop Madam Stardust, if she decides to move forward, then stay out of her way. I begin to grumble a few miles later as I'm drenched in sweat but my partner seems to be as fresh as a daisy. My grumbling must have been louder than i thought because sounds of something crashing threw the forest towards us. I instinctively use the closest human as a shield. 2 things vaguely resembling humans attacked us. I've never seen Madam Stardust fight before, but it was more like a dance than anything else, people parts flying everywhere, blood meatballs rolling in the dirt, I think I saw an eyeball... both were dispatched, but 1 was still alive, she rears her machete over her head and screams "we're having steak tonight!" as her blade slices the man in two.
Still basking in the afterglow of Madam Stardust's awesomeness I didn't see the zombie coming up behind me but i felt his teeth on my neck...
to be continued... tomorrow