At 7/30/12 09:48 PM, bladebasher wrote:
I didnt draw this picture, I bing searched it up, because I was feeling lazy, then I took it and photoshopped it slightly to look a little more how I wanted it to.
You realize that's illegal, right? Copying and modifying someone's artwork without their permission?
Anyway, I digress.
These comments are going to be harsh only because of the OP's blatant (and baseless) arrogance.
Arrogance is quite an unbecoming quality in a writer, not just because it puts everyone off, but because it prevents that writer from becoming a good writer. If you think you're awesome and won't listen to criticism, you will always put out work as bad as this.
And it's bad. Really bad. Demonstrably bad. It is cliche, juvenile, and melodramatic, like third rate fan fiction. I'm not saying this to "be a hater" I am telling it to you straight, and I am going to show you textual notes so you will know why it's so bad.
Another thing you need to know is that it's ok that it's bad. You're learning. If you want to be a writer, first you have to ditch the know-it-all nonsense. If you are serious about wanting to write, turn off the bad anime and read books, and study other writers. Get some books about writing. Research character development, the craft of writing, voice, narrative, plot, etc.
What's good about the piece? It's got a lot of energy and you can tell the writer cares about it.
Let's jump into the text, shall we? I am going to skip the first part where you give us a melodramatic summary of what I assume is the story so far.
"One one side of it was a watery, lovely ocean"
Ok, stop right here. A watery ocean? Are you serious? Why don't you go on to describe the airy sky or the ricey ricecake or the not-breathing type of dead guy. This text in general is drowning in redundant words and poor descriptors. Lovely? By whose subjective opinion? Where's the voice and whose voice is it? Do you know what voice is, in fiction?
"with a few cracks along the water... as though it were glass..."
Here we have a surreal image with no physical explanation. And the improperly used ellipses seem to indicate the writer wants us to think this is important enough to make us pause to read it. Sure, why not. Along flies a bird [pause plz, this is important]... with no wings and a dog's tail for a head....[pause again!]
Writers do not build drama with ellipses. In this fiction they are a lazy (and grammatically incorrect) substitute for building drama and rhythm with the text itself. Good writing builds rhythm and tension without tons of nonsensical paragraph breaks and ellipses.
"I AM HERE! I AM WHERE YOU WANT ME! I AM READY!" He shouted at the top of his lungs.
PLEASE LAY OFF THE DIALOGUE IN ALL CAPS. This is pretty much a hard rule in writing fiction. Readers should be able to tell that the character is yelling by what he is saying and the punctuation, not putting it in all caps like an angry forum post. You should never put something in all caps in fiction unless you are representing something in block letters, like a sign that says FOR SALE or WARNING: RADIATION, and even then I'd say you're safest to never use it ever ever ever. And there is no need to follow a sentence like this with a dialogue tag like "he shouted at the top of his lungs," which is a cliche on top of being redundant.
"A Dark, boney winged Angel stepped out of the darkness around the Sanctuary, Looking down at him."
If you cut the bizarrely capitalized Dark out of the sentence, and changed "around" to a specific spot, you might have a passable sentence, congrats. We still have no idea who these characters are or why they are meeting so dramatically in this strange, surreal place. It's like we just flipped the channel to a bad anime.
"Another dark figure, not nearly the same, but slightly similar."
I facepalmed when I read this description. Not nearly the same, but approximately similar, though not at all. What the hell does this mean, exactly? How are they alike and how are they not alike? Better yet, just describe them. The only descriptive words we have of these characters are "dark" and that their wings are "bony". Insert an actual description please.
"Levon's eyes widened. He could see... He could see through his own eyes."
Stop abusing ellipses. You have ellipses to represent unnecessary pauses throughout the piece. Ellipses do not represent a pause. Please learn how to use them properly, or don't use them at all. And also, what is he going to see through if not his eyes? If he has been seeing through some kind of supernatural eyes or someone else's eyes, please go into more detail about that right here in this sentence, even if you make sense of it elsewhere. And why do you repeat a phrase? Again, you are trying to use cheap tricks to build drama, rather than building it through strong writing and interesting events.
"She was sitting, crying. Alone. She looked thin, starved. She was clothed in moderate human clothes, or moderate to some extent."
More of that so-called description. Moderate to some extent? What does that mean? I am moderately irritated, or moderately irritated to some extent, by craptastic writing.
"The bases of his wings were twitching as they shot huge squirts of blood into his side of the glass."
Really? They shot huge squirts of blood? Please read that line over again, aloud to yourself. I'm going to not say the easy and obvious thing. You can't think of any better way to describe someone bleeding to death?
I could tear deeper into every line of this story, but I am just going to leave it for you to sort out.
Why should we care about these characters?
Why do they love each other?
Have you given any thought to the perspective?
What are the mechanics of this world, if water can have cracks like glass?
And why are you convinced that it's "great"? By what measure is this "great"? Writing isn't good because a couple of people on the internet say they liekz it. It requires hard work, study, and above all, willingness to accept criticism and grow from it.
I wish you the best as you consider continuing to write.