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Dying For Your Family

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Atlas
Atlas
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Dying For Your Family Jul. 10th, 2012 @ 02:39 PM Reply

This poem is not to be taken seriously. I was listening to Red Hot Chili Peppers and Metallica at the time and it just made me want to rhyme. I know this kinda makes no sense but a lot of popular music and poetry doesn't.

Two men
One friend
Dead again

Living long
Feeling Strong
He died

She cried
He said bye
No one cared

She dared
His sister
To die

For Janet and Ty
Even if it was late
And then go mate

With the men from Jersey
He was very woozy
And drunk

But she didn't care
He smelled like a skunk
With lots of hair

Ready to attack
In night which was black
So she struck

And they wished her good luck
For she caught the man
And said your mine

And he cried Nein
And she said Ja
But laughed HA HA

As he hit her to the ground
And thus he began to pound
She felt the pain

She brought upon herself
She was nearly slain
Before he came back to himself

And said sorry
She said it was me
He said good

So he stood
And finished her
And the final blow

Made her go
To a place unknown
It was called Hell

She fell
She fell to her knees
She had seen me

She had finally met her family
She died just to see me
Now shes died for us

She got killed by a man called Chuck
He killed her
Out of rage

Like a rat in a cage
He left his wrath go
She took the blow

He was taken away
She will never see day
She died for are family

This the story of Nicole Falls
She kinda of committed suicide
She took the dare to go die

To see her brother and family
But she didn't know where in hell
Or she would've stayed home

Oh well
She's now unknown
For she died long ago.


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mhzinski
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Response to Dying For Your Family Jul. 11th, 2012 @ 10:53 AM Reply

A lot of pointless rhyming here. I understand that it's stream of consciousness and I guess it's impressive you can rhyme really quickly but from a basic writing perspective it's just dime store rhyming without any underlying theme. I understand there's a story but a majority of the rhyming doesn't have to do with the story.

Low level writing, 3-4/10 at its best. Not very engaging or literary.

Atlas
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Response to Dying For Your Family Jul. 11th, 2012 @ 12:37 PM Reply

At 7/11/12 10:53 AM, mhzinski wrote: A lot of pointless rhyming here. I understand that it's stream of consciousness and I guess it's impressive you can rhyme really quickly but from a basic writing perspective it's just dime store rhyming without any underlying theme. I understand there's a story but a majority of the rhyming doesn't have to do with the story.

Low level writing, 3-4/10 at its best. Not very engaging or literary.

Young man or old man, I thank you for reviewing my poem. It is meant to not make sense but usually I start out rhyming very quickly then all of a sudden "BOOM STORY" a story evolves and it's usually bad.


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