At 6/28/12 04:42 PM, Hellz-Yeah wrote:
A short story without an ending.
This is interesting, but it really really cries for development. I can think of three possible ways you could flesh this out.
ONE- DEPTH OF CHARACTER/ DIALOGUE.
The characters seem very two dimensional. They just represent arguments and very simple predictable ones. We lack an understanding of their personalities and so find it difficult to sympathise with them. The little girl with a dead mother is just a little girl with a dead mother, she has no name no identity. Similarly, her famimly are two dimensional too, her dad just cooks and her mother's just dead. We can't sympathise.
TWO- DEVELOPMENT OF MEDIUM
The form you have right now of purely reported speech comes across as blunt, rusty and it really lacks subtlety to be honest. Even if it were written in diary entries, or just through the girl's reporting of god's speech the immersiveness of the story would treble. The current medium gives no sense of place or time, and as a result the reader is not transported, is not suddenly feeling the girl's pain.
THREE- DEPTH OF STORY LINE
Right now we just have a blunt, essentially unresolved discussion. There is no action, there is no resolution, we do not feel that the two speakers change views or really learn anything from each other. Nothing really changes, and things should otherwise they quickly get dull. This could be changed by sluing sum paigonz blud bang bang bang.