I wrote a poem! Feedback wanted.

[Hancack]

I just wrote a love poem. I think it's an average poem. I'm not really artistic, so I wanted some feedback from you guys.

MY OLD DOG: A LOVE STORY
I see my ex-friend with my old dog
Shiny coat, 8 nipples, with nicely manicured paws, she's off the leash, he's breaking laws
He turns around for a sec, and like a disobedient pet, she runs away and goes to play
She comes to me and goes on her hind legs, and she starts to beg,
"Take me back! I truly miss you!
I'm sorry for things I did! It is only you that I truly pursue!"

I tell her, " I was faithful which can't be said vice-versa.
You were like a lady of the night in olden Tulsa.
Now your with my best friend? I see you really loving the crew.
If you didn't realize it by now, me + you = never again, cuz B_____ we're through!"

She goes back on all fours and all I hear are barks.
I just realized how much time I wasted, so to my original destination, I embark.
What he had is gone, our names crossed from the Soul Mate's Tome
That word for us is defunct, no matter how frequent is was long ago
Our relationship is like a quote from Edgar Allan Poe,
"Nevermore"!

[jaxxy]

I think it's pretty good...but then again, I don't really know poetry. So maybe I'm not the best person for critiquing, but here's my input anyway!
I got a little confused in the beginning-middle part and wasn't sure if you were talking to the dog or your ex. This part in particular;
"Shiny coat, 8 nipples, with nicely manicured paws, she's off the leash, he's breaking laws
He turns around for a sec, and like a disobedient pet, she runs away and goes to play
She comes to me and goes on her hind legs, and she starts to beg,
"Take me back! I truly miss you!"
I get that you are referring to your girlfriend as a bitch, but is all this happening at the same moment in time? It left me wondering why the dog is with your ex in the first place. I guess just from complications.

[DeftAndEvil]

At 2/2/12 12:20 AM, Hancack wrote: I just wrote a love poem. I think it's an average poem. I'm not really artistic, so I wanted some feedback from you guys.

MY OLD DOG: A LOVE STORY
I see my ex-friend with my old dog
Shiny coat, 8 nipples, with nicely manicured paws, she's off the leash, he's breaking laws
He turns around for a sec, and like a disobedient pet, she runs away and goes to play
She comes to me and goes on her hind legs, and she starts to beg,
"Take me back! I truly miss you!
I'm sorry for things I did! It is only you that I truly pursue!"

Well, you told us it's not realistic, so I associated that with lack of quality. The poem is so nonsensical and petty, that I wonder why you would want feedback. The only real feedback I can give you is that if you're serious about writing, put in more effort. I just took this poem with a grain of salt and assumed that it was silly for the sake of being silly (and contemptuous).

For example, take the spoken dialogue: no one speaks like that. You should read dialogue before you post/publish to make sure it makes sense/realistic.

I tell her, " I was faithful which can't be said vice-versa.
You were like a lady of the night in olden Tulsa.
Now your with my best friend? I see you really loving the crew.
If you didn't realize it by now, me + you = never again, cuz B_____ we're through!"

See what I mean? There's nothing here worthy more than a cheap chuckle (and that's being generous).

She goes back on all fours and all I hear are barks.
I just realized how much time I wasted, so to my original destination, I embark.

You are also trying too hard to rhyme. The inversion here is unnatural and awkward.

What he had is gone, our names crossed from the Soul Mate's Tome
That word for us is defunct, no matter how frequent is was long ago

I don't think you've proofread this poem.

Our relationship is like a quote from Edgar Allan Poe,
"Nevermore"!

Again, no substance. What were we supposed to take away from that, other than your girlfriend was a bitch for cheating on you? Relate to the reader and engage him. The extended analogy was good, but it was so blatant, that I didn't really care.

[PsyhcoWalrus]

The poem itself is alright. I think to improve it you could make each line have the same amount of syllables, instead of some lines having more words and sounding choppy. The poem is very creative though.

Keep improvising on new ideas and you'll get better!

[Jercurpac]

At 2/2/12 12:20 AM, Hancack wrote:

I kind of get what you're going for, but using a pet dog as a metaphor for a woman who cheated on you can be seen as sexist depending on how you right it, especially when you're having her beg and you're calling her a bitch. It comes off as mean-spirited rather than being representative of a character that might have these views.

MY OLD DOG: A LOVE STORY
I see my ex-friend with my old dog
Shiny coat, 8 nipples, with nicely manicured paws, she's off the leash, he's breaking laws
He turns around for a sec, and like a disobedient pet, she runs away and goes to play

You're going back and forth between he and she, you I don't know who's being referred to. The dog? Is the ex-friend the one turning around and breaking laws?

She comes to me and goes on her hind legs, and she starts to beg,
"Take me back! I truly miss you!
I'm sorry for things I did! It is only you that I truly pursue!"

The rhyming couplets sound a little picture bookish, if you get what I mean.

I tell her, " I was faithful which can't be said vice-versa.
You were like a lady of the night in olden Tulsa.
Now your with my best friend? I see you really loving the crew.
If you didn't realize it by now, me + you = never again, cuz B_____ we're through!"

These lines come off as jokes rather than a function of the character. It's like I'm reading the punchline of a limerick.

She goes back on all fours and all I hear are barks.
I just realized how much time I wasted, so to my original destination, I embark.
What he had is gone, our names crossed from the Soul Mate's Tome
That word for us is defunct, no matter how frequent is was long ago
Our relationship is like a quote from Edgar Allan Poe,
"Nevermore"!

There are so many visuals that come off as cheesy. "our names crossed from the Soul Mate's Tome" is just corny. The writing on some lines looks like you didn't even bother to read it, "no matter how frequent is was long ago" what does that even mean? and the last line reads like another punchline to a joke.

It's not terrible, but it reads like you got down a thought quickly without editing or working on expanding the concept.