Legacy Chapter One

[danman113]

The first chapter of a sci-fi story I'm working on. Originally just an exercise in writing action scenes, I thought that the character and setting deserved their own story and after only six hours of writing the first chapter was finished. All criticism welcome.
Legacy Chapter One
"Clusterfuck" was the only way I could describe my current situation of as I ran down the hallway connecting the marketplace to the left atrium. Why does everything always end up biting me in the ass? The two residential guards chasing me are trailing me by a mere meter. It was such a simple plan: Joseph would distract the shopkeeper while I sneaked over to the storage room and took as many bottles of Aceela as I could fit in my jacket. Damn Jacob, couldn't even hold the guys attention for more than a minute. "Stop it already!" yells one of the guards. "It's only a misdemeanor if you stop now!" continues the other guard. I know that's a lie, the second I ran after they demanded that I freeze and put my hands behind my head I was a wanted man. In hindsight I should have just given up right then and there, if I had known these guards would be this damn persistent...
At the end of the hallway there is a large automatic door that leads to the marketplace. Perfect, shoppers make excellent barricades! The door opens with a whoosh as I approach it. This may work out after all. I sprint into the massive marketplace and immediately run towards the nearest group of casual shoppers. They're too engrossed in their conversation to notice me bolting at them with two residential guards hot on my tail. I shove one of them to the floor as a barricade for my pursuers. Better they get stepped on than me sent to the brig. The "barricade" apparently works as I hear the clank of one of the guard's titanium shin guards collide with the thick window that is the floor of the marketplace. "Command, we have runner at the right shell marketplace" the other guard shouts into is headset "Send additional units ASAP. Suspect is a Caucasian male wearing a green jacket with long black hair. Careful guys, he's a fast one!" Well that's going to be a problem. I continue sprinting away from the two befuddled guards, now's my chance to get away and I'm not going to waste it letting the two guards play catch up. After about five minutes of sprinting like a maniac, I stop to catch my breath. I turn my head to see if the two guards ever caught up to me. No sign of them, just a few confused shoppers wondering why I was running so frantically. Finally, free at last.
I take out my Comgear and punch in Jacob's identification number into the small screen. A picture of his face pops up on the three inch screen and I press my finger to the icon that looks like a person talking. A few seconds later Jacob's voice pours through the small speakers of my Comgear. "Shit Hiram, are you okay man? When those guards ran after you I thought you were done for." at least I can say he acted worried. "Please tell me you're not calling from the brig" he asks, sounding sincerely concerned. I move out of the marketplace towards a small alley between two stores. I don't want to start a commotion.
"God damnit Jacob you told me you had this one! You told me you could distract that guy for at least fifteen minutes! But no, you couldn't even keep him distracted for one measly minute!" I shout angrily into the Mic of my Comgear. "Do you know how close I was to getting caught!? Do you know how long the sentence would have been! I don't want to go back to the brig Jacob! People have it out for me there." God, the brig. Don't even get me started on the brig. I was almost killed last time I was there. Next time the grudges will already be set and they most certainly won't be in my favor.
"I know. I-I'm sorry Hiram, but some things are just out of my control. What can I say the guy knew I didn't have the means to pay for that fake order." Jacob appeases through the speakers.
"Well listen" I reason as calmly as I can through the Mic. "You owe me big time for this and when I get ba---!"
"Speaking of owing time," a familiar voice shouts from behind me. Damn, him of all people. I turn around and see the all too familiar face and the source of the voice. "You owe me a lot of time, and I'm going to make sure that you repay every second of it in the brig!" Shouts the original residential guard as the four behind him uncollapse their stun batons.
"I'm in a bit of a jam, Jacob. Call you back later." I mutter into my Comgear as I put it back into my jacket pocket. I guess the only way out is to fight. The four residential guards charge at me, their heavy boots clattering on the metal floor of the alley, ready to bring me in. I take a defensive stance and bear my fist, ready for a fight. The first guard approaches me baring his stun baton high above his head, ready to deliver the first blow. Not while I'm alive. The first blow always belongs to me!
My fist crashes into his abdomen with the force of gunshot. So strong is my blow that blood flies out of the guard's mouth as his baton slips out of his fingers. I let the wounded guard slip to the floor as I duck a blow from a second guard's stun baton. I quickly spring back up and roundhouse kick the attacking guard in side of his hip. The third guard swings as the previous one falls to the floor, hitting it with a smack. The striking guard's blow is stopped mid-swing by my grasping hand. I use my remaining had to smash the third guards forearm, breaking it with a crack. The guard screams in pain, staring at the bloody, jagged bone jutting out of his forearm. Then, in one unimaginable burst of strength I pick him up by the torso and throw him towards the previously kicked second guard still picking himself off the floor. The fourth guard finally attacks, this time starting with a kick rather than a baton blow like the rest of his peers. I attempt to grab his foot mid-kick, but my reaction is about a second to late and his foot crashes into my stomach with the intensity of the blow I dealt to the first guard. All the air my lungs had been storing rushes out of my mouth in a matter of seconds as I'm sent crashing towards the floor. The first guard, finally recovered over the first blow, uses this as an opportunity to smash me in the head with his stun baton. The baton blow sends a current of electricity pulsing through my body as well as a current of pain to my forehead.
I topple to the floor in less than a second. My entire body feels, numb. If I wasn't already certain that my limbs were still attached to my body, I would doubt their very existence. The original residential guard walks to my paralyzed body and picks my head up by the hair. "You're going to rot in the brig for a long time kid!" he threatens, his mouth only several inches from my face. "Bring him in boys." he commands the other residential guards, still picking themselves off the floor. One of the guards kicks me over and secures my numb hands with a pair of handcuffs. Shit, what's going to happen now? A guard drags me across the floor by the handcuffs and throws me into the back of a black armored transport vehicle. My face slams against the metal floor with a smack. "Oh and before I forget," exclaims the guard. "Here's something to stop you from squirming back there." The guard pulls out a yellow epipen out of one of his vest pockets and plunges it into my numb leg. Although I can't feel the pinch of needle, the effects of the sedative inside do nothing to hide its existence. The guard slams the door as my consciousness starts to fade with each consecutive blink. Before I realize it, the dark metal interior of the transport vehicle fades to black.

[danman113]

When the black veil of my eyelids finally open, I find myself lying in a bare room. The walls are all a leery white. I can't help but feel that the walls need to be constantly cleaned of blood. I remember these walls. I must be in a holding cell in the security center. The only thing that stops the white from overwhelming the room is a window that occupies an entire wall and a handle-less door to the opposite side. I pick myself off of the white floor and walk towards the window. A black space, only occasionally dotted with the bright light of stars lies behind the window. I place my bound hands calmly on the cool glass. Sometimes I forget that I actually live in space. A trip to the nearest window reminds me of the all too present reality that I no longer live on the Earth that my grandfather often rambled on about at the dinner table as I was child. I live on the Lot, a SSCEV or Self Sustaining Civilian Evacuation Vessel. Basically it's a giant space ship that orbits the Earth and acts a whole lot like a city.
Although I clearly wasn't alive for any of it, I was taught that after the economic collapse of the early twenty-first century, governments started pouring all their money into stimulating industry to combat the depression. This, apparently combined with multiple advances of science and technology, led to the second industrial revolution. Corporations scoured the globe, grasping every natural resource they could get their hands on, all with less government interference than ever before. People didn't care that the environment was getting destroyed. All they cared about was retaining their jobs. Eventually though, the once abundant natural resources began to run thin. As they tend to do during tough times, wars erupted over the few remaining natural resources. As the bloody wars reached their climaxes, nukes eventually ended up getting exchanged. Cities vanished, states demolished, even some smaller countries ended up getting completely vaporized, all by the power of the atom. After the dust began to settle, people finally had the common sense to look up and see the repercussions of their actions. The second industrial revolution combined with the nuclear exchanges excelled global warming to an unstoppable speed. The Earth that man called home for thousands of years was dying by his own destructive hands. The world came to the conclusion that nothing could be done to save the Earth and that humanities only option was abandon ship. This lead to the creation of SSCEVs, massive self-sustaining cities that were built from the ruins left on Earth. Man finally left Earth in what is now called the final migration. Every surviving nation on the planet evacuated on a multitude of SSCEVs. Man had finally outgrown the Earth.
Not everyone, however, was evacuated. Most nations just left the criminals and the prisoners of war back on Earth. It is said that they still roam the Earth, living in hive cities and surviving off of the wreckage of prior wars. Even today, one hundred years after the final migration, criminals from the SSCEVs are shipped back to Earth, just as countries had shipped criminals to what was called Australia five hundred years ago. However all that was in the past. A more pressing matter is at hand now. What the hell am I going to do? I can't go back to the brig, I'll die there. As I stand contemplating potential plans of action, a voice erupts from an unseen intercom.
"Hiram Attwater, the Chief of Security will see you now." the voice announces. I guess it's time for The Chief to decide my fate. The white door opens and two residential guards cautiously walk in. Each grabs one of my arms and walks me out of my cell. I instantly recognize one of them as the guard who I roundhouse kicked earlier. They walk me through a white hallway connected with countless doors that undoubtedly lead to cells similar to mine. The guards push me through the gigantic steel door at the end of the hallway into a room filled with security officers filing an innumerable amount of paperwork. I guess even the mindless guards have to fill out paperwork in the Lot. The two guards lead me to a rather extravagant looking door and toss me in. I trip on an expensive looking rug and tumble to the floor. The door slams behind me and the lock engages with a mechanical sounding noise. Locked in with the chief.
When I finally pick myself off of the floor I realize that the entire room matches the extravagance of the rug. All but one of the pure white walls are lavishly decorated with an assortment of ancient looking maps, exploration equipment and various paintings of explorers from half a millennium ago. The other wall is actually a gigantic window, overlooking the stars and a small corner of the rust colored Earth. The chief sits behind an intricately carved wooden desk with a built in globe and nametag reading "Andrew Seraph". God this must be the first time I've seen anything wooden in at least two years. Not many places to get it these days. I have the looming feeling that it was a "gift" from the local black market.
"Achrem" the chief vocalizes, trying to get my attention. Chief of Security Andrew Seraph towers over his desk, wearing an expensive looking black suit complete with a tie that showcases the word "Chief" in big blue lettering, a pair of tinted glasses and donning an overly gelled, douchey head of spikey hair. A prime example of a first class asshole and he hasn't even spoken a cohesive sentence yet.
"Yeah?" I ask impatiently. Some men just don't deserve my respect.
"Well, that's no way to address the man who's deciding your fate." the chief teases. "Well, well, well. Hiram, Hiram, Hiram. What are we going to do with you?" the chief ask, pulling out a small keyboard out of a desk drawer. "One attempted theft of pharmaceutical substances, one instance of refusing to comply with residential officials, one instance of civilian assault, and a whopping six cases of security assault. Well someone's been up to no good." the chief declares pressing a button on his keyboard. Instantaneously the back window lights up to display an outdated mug shot of me as well as a multitude of offences surrounding it. "Well, it doesn't seem like this is the only time you've been in trouble with the guards." he looks back towards my file on the window, then press as button. The file of me disappears and space reclaims the window. "Wow, a whopping twenty three misdemeanors and yet only nine felonies" The chief's cynical tone transforms into an angry one as he picks himself off of his chair. "I think you seem to be forgetting that living on the Lot is a privilege!" he utters angrily as he walks towards the window. "You know a few business partners of mine are starting a mining operation back on Earth. They need a few more recruits and I'm sure that the time on Earth will make you realize just how lucky you were here on the Lot."
I can't say I have any real objections, I mean it's either die in the brig or work my ass of on Earth for the next ten years or so. "Sounds like a plan" I finally speak.
"Really?" the chief ask, his mood completely turned around. "Hrm, well good. I was kind of expecting more of a resistance from someone like you. Anyway I think the next shuttle should arrive in a day or so and that will be the end of the matter." He walks over to his desk and holds down a button on the keyboard. "Yeah everything's done. Send in the guards to escort him out." The chief releases the button and walks over to me. "Well, it's been a pleasure working with you. I would shake your hand but, well you know" the chief jokes with a chuckle as the door behind me opens. Two guards emerge behind me, grab me by the arms and escort me back to my holding cell.

[danman113]

I spend the night in the cell, finally falling asleep after staring into the vastness of space for a few hours. I wake up in the morning by the clank of a bullet hitting the roof above me. "Wakey, wakey" the guard shouts. "Got a big day ahead of you." The guard picks my half-conscious body off the floor and drags me to the same armored transport vehicle from earlier, although this time it's filled with tons of handcuffed criminals in the same situation as me. The vehicle drops us off at the loading bay of the Lot ne more than half an hour later. A group of guards direct us to small ship docked only a few hundred meters from where the vehicle dropped us off. The circular airlock door connecting the shuttle to the Lot opens with a whoosh as a powerful gust of air squeezes out of the circular opening. We all march single file into the shuttle and sit on a metal bench clearly not made for comfort. A guard utters something into his Comgear when we all take ours seat and the airlock door closes. The shuttle detaches itself from the side of the Lot and begins its long decent to Earth. This is the first time in my life that I've left the lot, but yet it feels like I'm returning home.

[Inadaquacy]

I enjoyed it. It went a pace not too fast where I couldn't understand it but not too slow were it would be boring. Would be interested to read the rest.

[Stoferin]

http://audioboo.fm/boos/636386-space-pt-
0.mp3

http://audioboo.fm/boos/636388-space-pt-
0-5.mp3

http://audioboo.fm/boos/636377-space-pt-
1.mp3

http://audioboo.fm/boos/636382-space-pt-
2.mp3

Argh. I am not warmed up. Here's the text in the story so far. Sorry for the flubs, but my phone only lets me record live, hence my crappy improvised voices and stumbles. Just recording for fun. You might want to prune your descriptions down a bit to keep the action flowing quickly. Keep it punchy so the audience can keep up. Read what people have to say about Hemingway, and maybe listen to the kick-ass sci-fi pulp audiobook below. Librivox is a public domain audiobook site, and the link below is a hidden jewel. (That is vaguely similar to the style I think you're aiming for.)

Forum: http://librivox.org/short-science-fictio n-collection-vol-001-by-various/

Actual Story: http://www.archive.org/download/short_sc ifi_001_0711/repairman_harrison_ae.mp3

[danman113]

At 1/24/12 12:51 AM, Stoferin wrote: http://audioboo.fm/boos/636386-space-pt-
0.mp3

http://audioboo.fm/boos/636388-space-pt-
0-5.mp3

http://audioboo.fm/boos/636377-space-pt-
1.mp3

http://audioboo.fm/boos/636382-space-pt-
2.mp3

Argh. I am not warmed up. Here's the text in the story so far. Sorry for the flubs, but my phone only lets me record live, hence my crappy improvised voices and stumbles. Just recording for fun. You might want to prune your descriptions down a bit to keep the action flowing quickly. Keep it punchy so the audience can keep up. Read what people have to say about Hemingway, and maybe listen to the kick-ass sci-fi pulp audiobook below. Librivox is a public domain audiobook site, and the link below is a hidden jewel. (That is vaguely similar to the style I think you're aiming for.)

Forum: http://librivox.org/short-science-fictio n-collection-vol-001-by-various/

Actual Story: http://www.archive.org/download/short_sc ifi_001_0711/repairman_harrison_ae.mp3

All I can say is WOW. Really good job on this, your voice is exactly how I envisioned Hiram. Your tone completely captures that of the story. I also can't help but compliment you on how well you handled some of the longer and awkwardly worded sentences. Although some of the other characters were voiced a little oddly, it doesn't really get in the way of the general enjoyment (although Andrew Seraph was voiced a little differently than I would have imagined, you actually did a really great job with him). The only other bad things I can think of is a few of the names of things were pronounced differently, but then again there isn't a thing on the planet you could have done about that and it really doesn't matter at all. Also worth noting is how few mistakes were made, and even when they did happen you handled them well and didn't dwell on them at all. So in short thank you so much for doing this, it brings me great pride whenever someone makes something amazing out of something I wrote. You are a terrific voice actor and have a bright future ahead of you!
P.S.
Thanks for the recommendations i'll look into them!