Poem :D

[Arcbound22]

Tell me what you think :D

Soft sand between my toes, an oceans breeze
A mild night, waves crashing on the sand,
A deep regret for, I will never have these
Sorrow and grief, I can barely withstand
A part of me lost, a part left behind
Something missing, somthing long forgotten.
A deep regret for this past of time
The deep of mind and soul, I feel rotten
What am I? Who am I? I ask myself,
For this person I was, is now long gone
Years passed, still a lack to relieve onesself
Almost tragic, almost like a sad song,
What I had thought I lost was always there
And finally at last, an answered prayer

[Insanctuary]

At 1/5/12 09:18 PM, Arcbound22 wrote: Tell me what you think :D

Soft sand between my toes, an oceans breeze
A mild night, waves crashing on the sand,
A deep regret for, I will never have these
Sorrow and grief, I can barely withstand
A part of me lost, a part left behind
Something missing, somthing long forgotten.
A deep regret for this past of time
The deep of mind and soul, I feel rotten
What am I? Who am I? I ask myself,
For this person I was, is now long gone
Years passed, still a lack to relieve onesself
Almost tragic, almost like a sad song,
What I had thought I lost was always there
And finally at last, an answered prayer

To see or not to see, to believe or not to believe, to be or not to be.. To foresee the history of a possibility. To be a key, to be to see, and not see, for the key is it's own lock, and this lock is the key to what we see, and believe what is to be and not to be.

Really though, the poem should be reworded. You have the right words, and the right message you wish to convey. It feels a bit convoluted. Also, on a personal note. You answered yourself. Nothing else answered you. Only /you/. You. You. You. You. You..... ^^

[Arcbound22]

Explain a bit more, you see Im just practicing writing a Shakespearean poem for english and the iambic perameter(didnt spell right :P) needs to be perfect, as well as the rhyme scheme and volta.

[Insanctuary]

At 1/5/12 09:26 PM, Arcbound22 wrote: Explain a bit more, you see Im just practicing writing a Shakespearean poem for english and the iambic perameter(didnt spell right :P) needs to be perfect, as well as the rhyme scheme and volta.

That riddle; poem I wrote was called Shakespeare 2.0. How amusing! ^^

Well.. Let's try an exercise before I give you my personal critique.

When you respond next time, fix every error that /you/ see in your poem. Then, I will show you where /I/ see errors personally. Alright?

[Arcbound22]

Soft sand between my toes, an oceans breeze
A mild night, waves crashing on the sand,
A deep regret for I will never have these,
Sorrow and grief I can barely withstand,
A part of me lost, a part left behind,
Something missing, somthing long forgotten.
A deep regret for this past of time
The deep of mind the deep of soul, rotten.
For this decay corrupts my inner being,
For this person I was, is now long gone
I have the slightest thought to my wellbeing,
Almost tragic, almost like a sad song,
Yet what was thought to have been lost was not,
It was always there, the thing I sought.

[Insanctuary]

At 1/5/12 09:51 PM, Arcbound22 wrote: Soft sand between my toes, an oceans breeze
A mild night, waves crashing on the sand,
A deep regret for I will never have these,
Sorrow and grief I can barely withstand,
A part of me lost, a part left behind,
Something missing, somthing long forgotten.
A deep regret for this past of time
The deep of mind the deep of soul, rotten.
For this decay corrupts my inner being,
For this person I was, is now long gone
I have the slightest thought to my wellbeing,
Almost tragic, almost like a sad song,
Yet what was thought to have been lost was not,
It was always there, the thing I sought.

The first 4 lines, I suggest you to reword them.

The next 4 lines, you start getting the flow, but it felt as though you weren't being patient when writing the message you wish to convey.. Also, you forgot an 'E' in the word ''something'', 6th line.

The next 4 lines, you were getting the flow and the message conveyed, but then you said ''Almost tragic, almost like a sad song'', and it threw me off that flow. Reword that, and make sure you can feel the flow; make sure you can feel the words interconnect into one big artistic message.

Then, the 2 last lines, that made me smile. I really liked how you took heed to my personal note, and you added your personal touch.

You will get there, I assure you. Just a few knicks, my friend. ^-^

[Arcbound22]

A life lived of hope, wonder, love, peace
Corrupted and churned by perjudice thought
He who lived such a life lost release
Though the corruption, himself he was not
A part of he lost, a part left behind,
Something missing, somthing long forgotten.
A deep regret for this past of time
The deep of mind the deep of soul, rotten.
For this decay corrupts his inner being,
For this person he was, is now long gone
To have the slightest thought to his wellbeing,
Lost hope, this tragedy continued on.
Yet what was thought to have been lost was not,
It was always there, the thing he sought.

[Insanctuary]

At 1/6/12 12:23 AM, Arcbound22 wrote: A life lived of hope, wonder, love, peace
Corrupted and churned by perjudice thought
He who lived such a life lost release
Though the corruption, himself he was not
A part of he lost, a part left behind,
Something missing, somthing long forgotten.
A deep regret for this past of time
The deep of mind the deep of soul, rotten.
For this decay corrupts his inner being,
For this person he was, is now long gone
To have the slightest thought to his wellbeing,
Lost hope, this tragedy continued on.
Yet what was thought to have been lost was not,
It was always there, the thing he sought.

I know what you are trying to convey, but keep going at it.

You are slowly putting it together. Again, the first 4 lines need to be remodeled, you are getting the idea though. That is great progress, indeed. I really liked:

''For this decay corrupts his inner being,
For this person he was, is now long gone
To have the slightest thought to his wellbeing,
Lost hope, this tragedy continued on.'' Perhaps just a little bit of changes to it would make it a solid piece of the poem.

Keep going. :D