The Shadow

[KillerSkull]

Dimly lit, flickering lights.
The man takes a shot of whiskey and looks around.

The bar isn't anything special, mainly a hangout for whores and gamblers, loan sharks and other scum. The air is filled with the smell of smoke and tobacco and it has an almost special feel to its scent. There are whores going around, looking for potential clients. Scattered around the bar are several tables, each with what would seem to be some intense games of cards going on. Music plays ut of a jukebox. It's Frank Sinatra.

The man feels his the left breastpocket of his jacket. His silverballer is there locked n' loaded, safety off. His fedora hit snug. He flips a quarter over and over again.

He takes one last shot of whiskey and leaves a crumbled twenty on the counter. He gets up and pockets his quarter. He walks past the whores, ignoring their offers of sex. The jukebox changes songs, it's Dean Martins "Aint That a Kick In the Head?"

The man approaches a table where a game of cads is being played. There are five other men in this booth, in the middle is an extremely stout man. The cards are laid out nice and fresh as a new round is about to begin, crumpled bills lie on the middle of the table. The men look up.

Lik the swift hand of God he takes out his silverballer and aims it at the man in the middle.
One(BANG)....two (BANG)....three (BANG) shots and then a thump.

Silence in the bar and the table is painted crimson. The other men stare at him with terror, not sure whether they should attack. He pauses and pockets his weapon, with a look of much unconcern, he turns around, his long coat whipping around and walks to the exit of the bar.

He pauses, the whole bar seems to hold its breath, then he opens the door, walks out into the rain....

....Walks out into the shadow of night....

[BrianEtrius]

Did someone call Captain Cliche? Because that's what I'm reading here. It's far too short for any deviation from the norm, and thus reads like almost a parody. Nothing happens and thus the loss is on the reader.

Add more humanity to your characters. Hell, add more details about your characters. What's going on in this particular scene? By leaving it on the edge like you've done you're just piss of the reader. And for God's sake, do not, I repeat, DO NOT EVER START WITH DESCRIBING THE ATMOSPHERE. Especially with noir. That is one of the most cliched things you can do in an already cliched genre.

This piece needs a lot of work.

[KillerSkull]

At 10/9/11 10:30 PM, BrianEtrius wrote: Did someone call Captain Cliche?

YES! Ony one post! I did it!