Hey! Could you critique this?

[fusioner]

Would love your thoughts and inputs on this song/ poem or whatever you wanna call it.

"Broken Angel"

Hello beautiful demon
could you take me away.
Im tired of all this pain.
Promse never to hurt me
And I promise never to cry
Broken angel will never say bye

Broken angel, never cry
broken angel, Never die
for as long as theres that beautiful demon
Nothing can kill all the pain that your feeling.
Broken angel, never go
Broken angel, put up your show
Cause where would you go when the curtain draws
Upon your life, upon your soul.

Back to brink of near explosion
Everything you feel is just life in motion
Never fret and worry your head
Everything will work in the end

Where are you my beautiful demon?
You seem so far away...
I see you in my dreams all night
But your gone by the day.

Broken angel, never cry
broken angel, Never die
for as long as theres that beautiful demon
Nothing can kill all the pain that your feeling.
Broken angel, never go
Broken angel, put up your show
Cause where would you go when the curtain draws
Upon your life, upon your soul.

[DramaKaw]

That was pretty good in my opinion.

The rhyming was excellent and the chorus section was memorable.

I could see Lady Gaga singing this. That is just my opinion.

[fusioner]

At 9/21/11 01:57 AM, DramaKaw wrote: That was pretty good in my opinion.

The rhyming was excellent and the chorus section was memorable.

I could see Lady Gaga singing this. That is just my opinion.

Thanks man! Im more of a fan of metal and rock so that was received with mixed emotions. Still a critique is a critique nonetheless!

[Dr-Worm]

This reminds me of an '80s hair metal power ballad. It's a little goofy and more than a little over-the-top, but those things make it fun. I don't know whether or not that was your intention, but whatever, I liked it. Like DramaKaw, I can imagine it as a pop song. Also, you have a solid grasp of rhyming and rhythm, which is all too rare in the songs/poems I've read on here.

Good job.

[fusioner]

At 9/21/11 07:07 AM, Dr-Worm wrote: This reminds me of an '80s hair metal power ballad. It's a little goofy and more than a little over-the-top, but those things make it fun. I don't know whether or not that was your intention, but whatever, I liked it. Like DramaKaw, I can imagine it as a pop song. Also, you have a solid grasp of rhyming and rhythm, which is all too rare in the songs/poems I've read on here.

Good job.

Oh why thank you! Honestly I just right whatever comes to mind and see what comes out. Then I just refine until I like it.

[DeftAndEvil]

At 9/21/11 10:12 PM, fusioner wrote:

Oh why thank you! Honestly I just right whatever comes to mind and see what comes out. Then I just refine until I like it.

I've read your poem but don't feel like leaving a critique/review (maybe later, sorry lol). But, I wanted to say that this is a very good way to write :O

[fusioner]

At 9/22/11 01:35 AM, DeftAndEvil wrote:

At 9/21/11 10:12 PM, fusioner wrote:

I've read your poem but don't feel like leaving a critique/review (maybe later, sorry lol). But, I wanted to say that this is a very good way to write :O

Thanks! And what way would that be? Im kinda curious.....

[DeftAndEvil]

At 9/21/11 10:12 PM, fusioner wrote:

I just right whatever comes to mind and see what comes out. Then I just refine until I like it.

^This.

This is how I write. Refining and editing is just as important to writing as--well, writing. This way also allows your work to flow freely and is inspired and unadulterated.

[fusioner]

Aaaah okay great! I was somewhat confused. Yea writing should be written the moment it hits your head and then perfected at a better time. I always have a journal on me for that reason! Always amazing to flip through and see ideas and sayings that I thought of...