War and Famine

[LucasJC]

I'm writing a book about the christian apocalypse through the eyes of the average older teenager, a person named James Rolfe (I got the name from the guy who made AVGN, since he was a big inspiration.). In this book the effects of the first to horseman are showcased. And before you ask, yes this is going to be in the writers forum.

James ran through the remains of Halifax as fast as his long, skinny legs would carry him, his tattered jeans fluttering in the breeze. In one of his dirt covered hands, he had a bag with a loaf of bread, and in the other hand a shard of glass, covered in blood. The yelling voices behind him were getting closer and closer. James sped up as he leaped over a dead man lying in the middle of the street. The man wore a raggedy brown leather jacket and torn jeans that were missing the knees, and his bare feet were black from all the soot. What was menacing about this corpse was the face, or rather what you could not see of the face, which was covered in long, matted brown hair. James didn't have a second thought of the body, when not too long ago he would have vomited at the sight of it, but that's just the way the world is now.

James kept on running, a concentrated look on his sooty face. As he heard the loud explosion of gunpowder, he turned to see a man who looked to be in his early twenties, and had a buff figure. He had a red baseball cap, a white t-shirt and jeans. But what amazed James were the man's shoes, they looked brand new! James pathetic sneakers were the exact opposite, you couldn't tell they used to be white without close inspection, the bottom was wearing out and James could see his toes through the tip. But that wasn't important, what was important was that this man had a shotgun and was about to kill James!

James started running in a zigzag pattern, as round after round was fired at him. And as the man pulled the trigger once again a small part of the wall of a pizza shop right beside James blew up, and a chip from the tiny explosion flew into James cheek. He let out a small yelp and staggered forward for a moment, but regained composure and kept running. The man's gun started clicking. He swore, and began reloading as he jogged forward. He tripped and landed flat on his face, unconscious as shells flew everywhere. As James was looking back at the man he tripped over his own shoes and scraped his knees and elbows. He let out a sort of angry growl, and then collapsed on the ground, too tired to move.

He lay there for a long while. James didn't know how long, it could have been fifteen minutes or two hours, James no longer cared. Time had become like the ticking of a clock, insignificant, blending into the background of life. In fact, James didn't even know what day or year it was. James got up eventually, thinking that the other of the two men must have been looking for him somewhere else, and if he just took care of the one that was shooting at him he would be in the clear. He picked up the glass with forceful determination and walked over to the unconscious man. As he looked down at the man, he realized the man was unusually clean. He would see other people in this god forsaken city, it was rare and they never talked, but he saw them. And they were always filthy. Even James hadn't taken a shower in what he thought was months. But this man looked as if he was living a normal life with running water and the ability to wash his clothes in an electric washing machine. He raised the shard of glass, prepared to kill the man. But then he hesitated. "Do I really have to do this?" He thought. As he stood there pondering this question, the man woke up.

After that, there will be a fight between James and the man, James will stab him in the neck, win the fight, walk off and then the narrator will say "What events led up to this tragedy?" The chapter will end and obviously the events that led up to the destruction of Halifax pick up in the next chapter.

[BluGil]

Your story is filled with logical and grammatical flaws.

"James ran through the remains of Halifax as fast as his long, skinny legs would carry him, his tattered jeans fluttering in the breeze. "

You've combined various tenses for a very awkward sentence here^.

" In one of his dirt covered hands, he had a bag with a loaf of bread, and in the other hand a shard of glass, covered in blood. "

^ Need I say more than "what the fuck" really? why's he holding glass and bleeding without giving it a second thought

"What was menacing about this corpse was the face, or rather what you could not see of the face, which was covered in long, matted brown hair. "

There's no reason to introduce your sentence with "what was menacing about this was." unless your explaining it to a bunch of 2nd graders. And then you switch to 2nd person as you speak directly to the reader - "what you could not see of the face." Which by the way can't possibly be menacing because "you" can't fucking see it anyways. And then you left it at that - you didn't even say anything else about the face.

"But what amazed James were the man's shoes, they looked brand new! James pathetic sneakers were the exact opposite, you couldn't tell they used to be white without close inspection, the bottom was wearing out and James could see his toes through the tip. But that wasn't important, what was important was that this man had a shotgun and was about to kill James!"

What the fuck is this shit? He's got a shotgun and is about to kill the scrawny guy, but the scrawny guy is just fascinated by the guys shoes. That and his name is James. Is this whole thing an overt commentary on homosexuality?

"And as the man pulled the trigger once again a small part of the wall of a pizza shop right beside James blew up, and a chip from the tiny explosion flew into James cheek. He let out a small yelp and staggered forward for a moment"

The answer is yes. This is all just about a small homosexual child that is yelping as pizza walls explode from the sheer impact of shotgun shells, and pizza wall chips fly into his tender cheeks as he zigzags strategically across an apocalyptic plane with bread in one hand and bloody glass in the other.

" He tripped and landed flat on his face, unconscious as shells flew everywhere. As James was looking back at the man he tripped over his own shoes and scraped his knees and elbows. He let out a sort of angry growl, and then collapsed on the ground, too tired to move."

So the buff guy trips and is knocked unconscious as he falls on his face. Then James looks back and HE falls, growling as he hits the ground, and then gives the fuck up. Alright.

I can't go on commenting on this because I can't take it seriously anymore and I can't help being a dick about it.

[knightablaze]

Reading and critiquing a piece of writing is crazy-annoying on most forums. So can I just give you some advice, something to work on in your writing in general?

Take this excerpt and knock maybe 20% of the words out. You've got an action scene going, but you're slowing the pace with descriptions of hair and clothes. See if you can't tighten the writing by knocking out some of the excess detail.

[LucasJC]

At 6/11/11 02:04 AM, BluGil wrote: Your story is filled with logical and grammatical flaws.

"James ran through the remains of Halifax as fast as his long, skinny legs would carry him, his tattered jeans fluttering in the breeze. "

You've combined various tenses for a very awkward sentence here^.

I'll fix it.

" In one of his dirt covered hands, he had a bag with a loaf of bread, and in the other hand a shard of glass, covered in blood. "

^ Need I say more than "what the fuck" really? why's he holding glass and bleeding without giving it a second thought

I forgot to mention the blood isn't his... Plus, if you have a high enough adrenaline rush it's possible not to notice anything.

There's no reason to introduce your sentence with "what was menacing about this was." unless your explaining it to a bunch of 2nd graders. And then you switch to 2nd person as you speak directly to the reader - "what you could not see of the face." Which by the way can't possibly be menacing because "you" can't fucking see it anyways. And then you left it at that - you didn't even say anything else about the face.

Near the end of the chapter (Actually, it'll be a prologue, it's too short to be a chapter.) James goes back to take the guys leather jacket (Plundering dead people is very common during the apocalypse).
and sees his face, which is pale, wrinkled and the mouth and hollow eye-sockets are filled with maggots.

What the fuck is this shit? He's got a shotgun and is about to kill the scrawny guy, but the scrawny guy is just fascinated by the guys shoes. That and his name is James. Is this whole thing an overt commentary on homosexuality?

LOL! Yeah, I guess I should try to mke it sound less gay. And maybe I should just make it so the narrator describes the guy but James doesn't notice anything except he has a gun. And I'll call James "the boy" to take away some repetition and add some mystery.

The answer is yes. This is all just about a small homosexual child that is yelping as pizza walls explode from the sheer impact of shotgun shells, and pizza wall chips fly into his tender cheeks as he zigzags strategically across an apocalyptic plane with bread in one hand and bloody glass in the other.

Yeah, I think I'll take away the part about the pizza shop, there's really no purpose to it.

" He tripped and landed flat on his face, unconscious as shells flew everywhere. As James was looking back at the man he tripped over his own shoes and scraped his knees and elbows. He let out a sort of angry growl, and then collapsed on the ground, too tired to move."

So the buff guy trips and is knocked unconscious as he falls on his face. Then James looks back and HE falls, growling as he hits the ground, and then gives the fuck up. Alright.

I can't go on commenting on this because I can't take it seriously anymore and I can't help being a dick about it.

Lol, thanks for giving your opinion, I think I'll be able to make alot of improvements thanks to you.