Limitations (A Poem)

[Dubbi]

I haven't posted anything in awhile, but I'd like to resume my activity here. I've been having a bit of a zen vibe, and consequently produced this poem. Tell me what you think of it and I'll be glad to share more.

Limitations
Glittering jadeness of the grass
Contrasts soothingly with the faint blue hue above;
Gracefully, a white, pure dove chirps upon a tree
And underneath, in response, whistles me.
Cognizance of nothing more than that his tune seems right
Forever separates me from my flying friend.
If whistles are only an escape from
Frustration, stress and regret, then
Frustration, stress and regret are
Impossible to transcend

[Dubbi]

Not a big deal by any means, but I made a few errors in my original post. This is how the poem should read.

Limitations

Glittering jadeness of grass
Contrasts soothingly with the faint blue hue above;
Gracefully, a white, pure dove chirps upon a tree,
And underneath, shyly, in response, whistles me.
Cognizance of nothing more than that his tune seems right
Forever separates me from my flying friend.
If whistles are only an escape from
Frustration, stress and regret, then
Frustration, stress and regret are
Impossible to transcend.

[DeftAndEvil]

At 6/6/11 03:38 PM, Dubbi wrote: Not a big deal by any means, but I made a few errors in my original post. This is how the poem should read.

Limitations

Glittering jadeness of grass

Jadeness isn't a word and jade works equally fine. The imagery is solid.

Contrasts soothingly with the faint blue hue above;

Good oxymoron. "Blue hue" is a bit cliche for the word "sky."

Gracefully, a white, pure dove chirps upon a tree,

Ok line. There is no pace or constant rhythm to guide the reader along, though.

And underneath, shyly, in response, whistles me.

I don't like the inversion. Again, nothing wrong with this line, but nothing great either.

Cognizance of nothing more than that his tune seems right

I feel like this poem is going way too slow but remains too formal and a bit pedantic. I think shorter lines and some more enjambment would give it that true trance-like, natural flow.

Forever separates me from my flying friend.

How so? I feel that at first the poem starts too slow and now is moving too fast.

If whistles are only an escape from

You've lost me here. The induction posed here is faulty. Are whistles only an escape from frustration, stress and regret? How so? Where did this come from? I feel the move from observation to rationalization and induction is detached and too personal.

Frustration, stress and regret, then
Frustration, stress and regret are

I like the repetition; it brings the last couple of lines into focus for the reader. A bit choppy to the rhythm, though.

Impossible to transcend.

Alright ending. The rhyme is pretty good and gives it a satisfying end. Watch the flow and meter (meter is really tough, but I don't see a problem just getting by on rhythm).

Well, the poem is ok. I appreciate the Romantic atmosphere, but I question the volta--if you will; the quandary posed at the end may not be for the better. I think the contrast between these two--the natural romance and the emotional quandary can work, but maybe with better implementation.

[Dubbi]

At 6/9/11 01:53 AM, DeftAndEvil wrote:

Forever separates me from my flying friend.

How so? I feel that at first the poem starts too slow and now is moving too fast.

If whistles are only an escape from

You've lost me here. The induction posed here is faulty. Are whistles only an escape from frustration, stress and regret? How so? Where did this come from? I feel the move from observation to rationalization and induction is detached and too personal.

Kind of trying to say how man will never be as in tune with nature as a bird is. I didn't want the message to be too obvious, but now that I think about it, I should have added another line to clear things up.

Here's another zen poem I wrote:

Nature's Intervention

Drowning in thoughts
Stolen from dead, depressing
Philosophers --
A butterfly's graceful flight:
Joy reminded.