American Civil War Poem

[Atheist-Messiah]

Long story short, a friend and I wrote a poem for a History teacher, regarding a project. Hope you like it!

Cannons crash, rifles crack,
smoke from guns turn skies pitch black.

Bullets fly, bodies fall,
mortars decay the flesh of all.

Whips, chains, and death by noose,
wealth and greed, their scars produce.

Forced by war, to kill his brother,
opposing sides, that slay each other.

To storm the front, and force submission,
is their cruel and bloody mission.

Extract the bullet, sever the limb.
Bute down on leather, let the pain begin.

Death the price, yet a price so small,
to preserve the Union, and justice for all.

[Atheist-Messiah]

Ah yes, I forgot to mention. I am looking for helpful criticism.

[DeftAndEvil]

At 6/6/11 12:49 AM, Atheist-Messiah wrote: Long story short, a friend and I wrote a poem for a History teacher, regarding a project. Hope you like it!

Cannons crash, rifles crack,
smoke from guns turn skies pitch black.

Nice rhythm/flow. Nothing great so far, but there really isn't anything wrong. Turn should be turns.

Bullets fly, bodies fall,
mortars decay the flesh of all.

I feel you are trying to hard to rhyme here, but it isn't a big deal. The imagery is a bit banal, however; especially line 3. I bet these words have been used in this combo many times.

Whips, chains, and death by noose,
wealth and greed, their scars produce.

Watch the flow that is being cut by the caesura; "Whips and chains; death by noose" flows much better in my opinion, and the semi-colon makes it look cool :)

Also, the second line here reinforces what I said by forcing the rhyme: the inversion doesn't work for me.

Forced by war, to kill his brother,
opposing sides, that slay each other.

Brother/other is a cliched rhyme and this couplet is a cliched depiction of the Civil War, as well. I recommend just rewriting this stanza.

To storm the front, and force submission,
is their cruel and bloody mission.

Again, watch the flow. "To storm the front--force submission / is their cruel and bloody mission" flows way better and the rhythm is constant, imo.

Extract the bullet, sever the limb.
Bute down on leather, let the pain begin.

Question: why would you ever need to extract a bullet? You would either die or lose the limb--extraction was futile back then (not sure though). Anyway, I like how you are moving on to the gritty war imagery relevant to the Civil War era, although I don't feel "let the pain begin" fits here. Focus on the pain, but just show us, don't tell. Something like "Bite on leather; peel burned skin" looks better.

Death the price, yet a price so small,
to preserve the Union, and justice for all.

I don't feel you have moved on from casualties to death strongly enough to make the reader realize just what a huge toll the American Civil War was on the states. Before this stanza, mention the noncombat casualties. Mention the fatigue of marching hundreds of miles, of the bitter cold, and of the constant hunger. Moving on to the couplet itself: I'd think it would be good if you could keep the constant meter: which is 3,3 / 7. Also, the phrase "death the price" is awkward. I think maybe "The price is death; the price is small / Preserve the Union! Justice for all!" not only flows much better (double syllables: it is actually 4,4 but read 3,3) but looks cooler and ends on a strong note.

Eighteenth century poetry and lyricism was very demanding and restrictive (I guess you could call it pedantic ]: ) so I definitely recommend keeping the constant pattern and rhyme scheme. I posted what I feel are better options, but you should definitely keep at it. It was pretty good, though.