Red Mercs.

[headphenomenon]

(Part 1)

In the not too far-off future...

There were 100 men, all volunteered to take down any unnatural forces that were to arise on the believed Doomsday of December 21st, 2012. These men were to be trained over the course of 9 months to take down any forces. There were from the point of joining known as mercenaries, working for Red Mercs, a group of top-notch mercenaries.

These mercenaries were to forget their old names, and to call each other by color. Each person was given a name that was either a common or uncommon color. One mercenary, though, the one that would receive the name Red, would be the one to lead all mercenaries, through thick and thin. Everyone, before even beginning the naming process, had to agree to take that role with pride, and not to abuse it or abandon the Red Mercs. because they feel they are not capable of keeping the role.

Individually, people were called into a small room where a dark, sinister voice would whisper to them their new color-based name. One-by-one, they entered the small boxed room. One mercenary, Barry Alfred, had already told everyone to not get their hopes up because he'd worked for Red Mercs. for so long, already two and a half years at this point. "With how long I've been here, don't be surprised if you're all just kicked out and I'm the only merc left here to represent," he said arrogantly as General Cogs called him in. He walked with pride, his head up, and a devilish grin on his face.

As Barry filed into the room, chatter arose. Everyone was betting on whether Barry would get the part. Only five or six people actually bet on Barry not getting the part of Red. The winning side would get $40 from each person of the opposing. One of the Barry-opposing was a lowly father of one, a girl, named Bill Witchley. He'd been thinking of joining Red Mercs. long before this mercenary program opened up, but his little girl was just too young to leave behind. He would be gone for nearly a year, and he didn't want his daughter to not see him for so long. Now that she was 13, he thought she was capable of going so long without him.

It was fifteen minutes after Barry went in that yelling erupted from the box, through the voice of Barry. Everyone tried to listen in and hear what he had been yelling, and why. Those who were Pro Barry were becoming a little nervous, so one Barry-opposer put up a sign they made with a marker, a piece of paper, and a stick they found lying around that read "All Pros Stay Pro," so the opposers wouldn't have to split their money any further from the already thousands they would be receiving from everybody else.

Fifteen minutes more passed from that point, when Barry emerged, head wilting over, wiping his face repeatedly. Several Pro Barrys surrounded him to get an answer out of him, despite how obvious it seemed to the opposers who had won this bet. Keenan Brown, father of three boys and a Pro Barry, teared when he heard the answer.

"Looks like we won this bet. Hand over your money," said cool-looking teenager Maxwell House. Barry wasn't Red. Everyone was frantic. Who better to lead than one who had already worked for Red Mercs for close to 3 years? Over the course of the next few hours, more and more people were called in alphabetically by surname from A-H (being that there were no Is).

Nearing 9 o'clock, the final person was called. No one had been declared Red yet, though. For some reason, everyone was thinking the last person of the day would be Red, despite the lot of the people still left over from J on. Then, the name was called. "Maxwell House!" roared General Cogs as he threw his clipboard over on a table to signify it was the last person of the day. The chatter that broke out as Maxwell entered was even greater than that of Barry's. People were placing bets again on whether he would be the Red or not, the first time a bet had been called since Barry.

It had taken only 5 minutes for everyone to gather into groups. 50 people were Team Pro, and another 50 were on Team No, as was dubbed by Cogs himself who was not voting being that he already knew which team was winning and didn't want anyone to know.

Ten more minutes passed, and Maxwell walked out, head down. He had been the quickest to finish up, and all on Team No were assured they knew why. Cogs grinned at this point, though. Everyone crowded Maxwell, some of Team No already handing Team Pros their bet money of $50. Maxwell looked up at Barry Alfred who was, surprisingly, a Team Pro and revealed his answer through a whisper. Barry turned around and shouted merrily, "Maxwell House...is our new Red!"

What seemed like billions of empty bottles were thrown into the air ceremoniously by Pros, who chanted "Maxwell Red, Maxwell Red" and even Cogs, who had never been so happy. Red Mercs' goal had been to find the Red. Now that they had, their biggest mission was to initiate. "Good job, House -- or should I say, Red." Cogs said, patting Red on the back proudly. "People from J-Z (some teenagers laughed at this) will be called tomorrow, and training should, hopefully, begin in two days. Get some sleep, the lot of you."

"Yes, sir!" called a hundred deep male voices, saluting Cogs, and walking single-file into the only entrance to the sleeping quarters.

[Deathcon7]

This feels like one large info dump into a recruiting process that really doesn't matter. Keep your story at the focus. Your world building can be left to snatches of dialog or quick remembrance. As a beginning, this is very stagnant and inactive. If you want to start with a bang, start in the midst of the war, en media res. Fill in your characters, even as you fill in the war. If you want to make a point of how exclusive the Red Mercs are, do so by their prowess, by observations made by other characters, by their few numbers; these contextual clues will let the reader know that the Red Mercs are not only badass motherfuckers, but it takes a lot to get in. If your story is about a young man who gets in against all odds, this would still not be a very good approach. Always remember, it's about building character. If you're not building character, and you're just running through exposition, then your reader is going to disengage. I did. It was too difficult to read the whole thing because nothing pushed me forward.

[headphenomenon]

At 6/3/11 12:12 AM, Deathcon7 wrote: Very helpful stuffs

Oh, ooh, very...thank you. I will have to start over, but this time from that point. Thanks.

[gmercerd]

I think you should keep it. The only problem I had was that I knew that out of the two characters introduced early on, one of them would get the job. I thought it was a good way to establish tone.