script

[PillGeneral]

get guys i wrote a script recently for someone and i wanted to know what you thought. im pretty sure the grammar is terrible but at least you can read it right? i wanna know your input.

EXT. MAIN CHARACTER'S BEDROOM - DAY
video camera turns on character tapes the furniture in the bedroom to see if the camera works. he/she zooms in and out. then turns the camera towards the mirror waves to the reflection. turns his/her attention towards doug his/her friend who is helping on the documentary.

MAIN CHARACTER:
(cheerfully)
doug can you check to see if we have extra tapes for the camera?

DOUG:
(pauses to finish a text message)
yeah sure thing, they're in the car right?

MAIN CHARACTER:
yeah they are in the trunk.

DOUG
stands up and walks away and out of the room

CAMERA
zooms out and turns towards the closet. Then sweeps back over to the mirror a man is standing behind MAIN CHARACTER. Tall; wearing a suit with a red tie, no face. Camera turns around rapidly, there is nothing there. then shuts off.

EXT. ABANDONED BUILDING - DAY (AFTERNOON)
building is run down either condemned or in the process of being demolished. plants such as ivy and trees start to take over the once well groomed area. there is a chain linked fence surrounding the property.

CAMERA POV
character walks up to the fence and gets a shot of the sign that reads "condemned do not enter" you hear side conversation taking place farther away by other characters. Camera turns to window on top floor, there is a blurry face in the window, camera starts to tear a bit. Then camera tries to zoom in on window, camera cuts video feed but audio remains.

MAIN CHARACTER:
should we do a shot of the outside first?

CAMERA POV:
Video feed comes back facing JESSIE, DOUG, ALYSSA, and COURTNEY. They are all standing a ways away from the fence.

JESSIE:
(Assertive)
No, I think it would be better if we film the inside of the building then work our way out, it just makes more sense.

ALYSSA:
(Annoyed at Jessie)
But that doesn't make any sense, this isn't an art film it's a documentary

COURTNEY:
(Indifferent on both opinions and eager to do the shot)
can't we just film already? I'm tired of sitting around deciding on which part we film first. We can decide that when we edit.

CAMERA
Turns to Doug who is texting on his phone

MAIN CHARACTER:
(A little frustrated)
Dude can you not be texting right now? we are about to do the shoot.

DOUG
Looks up from his phone

DOUG:
(Sarcastically and puts his phone in his pocket)
Alright Jesus, if i knew everyone was going to get mad at me for trying to have a life i wouldn't have bought a phone.

JESSIE
Scoffs then motions for MAIN CHARACTER, ALYSSA, and DOUG to come with her behind the fence.

CAMERA
Turns to Doug then to Jessie. it zooms in on a broken window on the building then cuts out.

INT. INSIDE THE BUILDING - DAY (A FEW MINUTES LATER)
building is clearly run down. the dry wall inside the building has massive holes so you can see the room on the other side. the only light coming through is the sun light shining in from the broken windows. Audience see graffiti on the walls (mostly tags and swears)

CAMERA IS BEING HELD BY MAIN CHARACTER
main character is walking through the building the two friends close behind. they walk through a hall way. in one of the windows there is a face with no discernible features you see the upper half he is wearing a suit with a red tie. the characters don't notice.

DOUG:
(a little frightened)
i don't really like this place. can someone remind me why we are shooting it here?

JESSIE:
(pissed off)
for the last time doug, its for film class! and you were the one who suggested it!

ALYSSA:
(concerned)
You guys watch where you walk I wouldn't trust this floor too much.

CAMERA POV:
Heads up an old stair case to the second floor, COURTNEY is in front of MAIN CHARACTER, CAMERA turns to ALYSSA and DOUG who are following close behind. DOUG gives giant smile to the camera. CAMERA looks out towards the hallway or doorway where they came from, the tall man is standing in the door way, looking at the group. CAMERA fuzzes out a little

MAIN CHARACTER:
(very frightened)
What was that?! Look behind you!

ALYSSA and DOUG turn around quickly, the camera becomes fine again and nothing is there. ALYSSA and DOUG look puzzled

DOUG:
(Jokingly)
Stop trying to scare us man, I'm already nervous.

ALYSSA:
(shaking her head)
come one (main characters name) stop messing with us

CAMERA POV:
everyone reaches the top of the stairs. COURTNEY is still in front. They are walking through the hall way. Audience sees MAIN CHARACTER'S hand reach for doorknob, turns it and opens door.

CAMERA POV:
MAIN CHARACTER walks into an old bedroom the floor is charred and there is remnants of old furniture. MAIN CHARACTER walks in room slowly filming every inch of the room. There is a rocking horse in the corner, CAMERA zooms in on it.

MAIN CHARACTER:
(excited)
you guys get in here check this out!

MAIN CHARACTER starts walking out of the room, when he hears glass breaking and COURTNEY screaming, he/she starts running towards the door, door slams shut. He/she tries to pry it open, can't at first then gets it open. Runs into hall way. The group is standing still in front of MAIN CHARACTER slender man is facing everyone. The camera cuts out as you start running. It comes back on audience sees your shoes. Another scream this time ALYSSA. Camera cuts out again, comes back on the focus is blurry and the fuzz appears again, MAIN CHARACTER and DOUG are laying on the ground, stand over the two characters silent and still is slender man, camera cuts out end of movie.

[DramaKaw]

I would love to read it, but you wrote the dialogue and the directions in the same way. It is pretty hard for me to determine what are the characters talking and what are the actions.

[DeftAndEvil]

At 5/9/11 11:36 PM, DramaKaw wrote: I would love to read it, but you wrote the dialogue and the directions in the same way. It is pretty hard for me to determine what are the characters talking and what are the actions.

NG's BBS doesn't recognize center alignment, so posting a properly formatted screenplay/script is impossible. This was the probably the best and easiest way to post this script, and it is perfectly legible.

[Thinkface]

Really generic teen horror flick plot. Even the names are about as american B movie cliche as you can get; coutney, alyssa, jessie. Every line of the character script sounds like typical teen squabble that you would get in such a movie, and all the cliche camera shots and scares from every other teen horror movie ever made make an appearance.

Scrap the entire thing imo.

Sorry, being honest.

[Coop]

At 5/9/11 11:56 PM, DeftAndEvil wrote:

At 5/9/11 11:36 PM, DramaKaw wrote: I would love to read it, but you wrote the dialogue and the directions in the same way. It is pretty hard for me to determine what are the characters talking and what are the actions.

NG's BBS doesn't recognize center alignment, so posting a properly formatted screenplay/script is impossible. This was the probably the best and easiest way to post this script, and it is perfectly legible.

The only way you could change it is by using the tags available (bold, italics and underline, which require a painstaking amount of effort to change. It's no big deal that you can't determine what's different by scanning over it, you can work that out, by actually reading the words that have been typed.

At 5/11/11 04:00 PM, Animate wrote: Scrap the entire thing imo.

Sorry, being honest.

If you don't want to give a decent opinion and help constructively, leave. There is no grey area here.

[Thinkface]

At 5/11/11 05:42 PM, Coop wrote: If you don't want to give a decent opinion and help constructively, leave. There is no grey area here.

Nothing about my opinion was indecent. It was a very honest, unpampered opinion. The fact is, there's nothing, in my opinion, that can be salvaged from what the OP posted, and so therefor nothing to give constructive criticism on. If I were to give any 'constructive criticism', it would be watch movies you've never heard of, would never normally watch and aren't of a action/romance/horror/thriller genre. Then try and write something that isn't Halloween 72 or Scream 34 and you might be getting somewhere.

You didn't give any opinion at all, so don't cry over mine when i give honest feedback.

[PillGeneral]

At 5/11/11 06:21 PM, Animate wrote:

At 5/11/11 05:42 PM, Coop wrote: If you don't want to give a decent opinion and help constructively, leave. There is no grey area here.

Nothing about my opinion was indecent. It was a very honest, unpampered opinion. The fact is, there's nothing, in my opinion, that can be salvaged from what the OP posted, and so therefor nothing to give constructive criticism on. If I were to give any 'constructive criticism', it would be watch movies you've never heard of, would never normally watch and aren't of a action/romance/horror/thriller genre. Then try and write something that isn't Halloween 72 or Scream 34 and you might be getting somewhere.

You didn't give any opinion at all, so don't cry over mine when i give honest feedback.

I respect your opinion a lot and normally I probably would've tried to go out of my way to make a original horror script, but given the crunch time, the time frame of the movie, and what needed censoring, making something semi original wasn't something I could do. Besides, it's pretty hard to come up with something totally original nowadays.