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GameMasterShania
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My Comic Book 2011-04-20 12:59:18

I will be posting my comic book, 'Incomplete' here. It is about two girls, Kate, and Courtney. They like eachother a lot and it might turn into love when they grow up. Right now, they are both in Year 6 of Primary School. Kate is very happy with their relationship.

First, I would like to apologize for the writing on all of them to prevent stealing. I hate to do it too - but I am planning to publish it and have copies without the blue writing. Especially on page one, I really wanna say sorry for it.

Page 1

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GameMasterShania
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Response to My Comic Book 2011-04-20 13:02:08

Page 2

In panel two, we see courtney and a random shopkeeper.

I again apologize for the blue writing.

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GameMasterShania
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Response to My Comic Book 2011-04-20 13:03:19

This is page 3 of my comic book.

Kate asks Courtney out.

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bigjonny13
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Response to My Comic Book 2011-04-20 13:04:21

Sorry to burst your bubble, but nobody is going to steal your MS Paint comics......

GameMasterShania
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Response to My Comic Book 2011-04-20 13:04:40

Page 4

Courtney turns out saying yes to Kate, and Kate is very much surprised by her answer.

By the way, chapter one lasts 7 pages. We're on the fourth currently.

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GameMasterShania
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Response to My Comic Book 2011-04-20 13:30:07

At 4/20/11 01:04 PM, big-jonny-13 wrote: Sorry to burst your bubble, but nobody is going to steal your MS Paint comics......

...

Comment. On. The. Actual. COMIC.

That is, if you're going to comment on anything.

I can't help being bad; but that's NOT what this thread is about, okay?

If I write a SERIOUS COMIC I want a comment on itself, not its copyright mark.

Page 5

Kate tells her parents about her date with Courtney.

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maficmelody
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Response to My Comic Book 2011-04-20 13:35:55

An official looking "copyright declaration" would typically be thetitle, followed by(c), the year, and your name

=)

bigjonny13
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Response to My Comic Book 2011-04-20 13:36:24

At 4/20/11 01:30 PM, GameMasterShania wrote: If I write a SERIOUS COMIC I want a comment on itself, not its copyright mark.

Well, the copyright mark is terribly distracting, especially when it's in blue and the rest of the comic has no colour.
As for the comic itself, the drawings are sloppy and inconsistent.
I suggest instead of doing it on the computer, drawing it all by hand.

GameMasterShania
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Response to My Comic Book 2011-04-20 13:41:56

When I said, comment the comic, I wasn't staying exclusive to the art.

The lines? Okay. Draw by hand? No scanner.


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bigjonny13
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Response to My Comic Book 2011-04-20 13:46:23

At 4/20/11 01:41 PM, GameMasterShania wrote: When I said, comment the comic, I wasn't staying exclusive to the art.
The lines? Okay. Draw by hand? No scanner.

Well, the story is mediocre. Nothing too new or interesting.
But remember, this is an art forum. You're going to get critiques on the artwork too.
Also, the one page where the font changes is not good. You'll want to keep the font consistent throughout the entire comic. Unless each character has their own font. Consistency is key.

maficmelody
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Response to My Comic Book 2011-04-20 13:52:33

At 4/20/11 01:30 PM, GameMasterShania wrote:
At 4/20/11 01:04 PM, big-jonny-13 wrote: Sorry to burst your bubble, but nobody is going to steal your MS Paint comics......
...

Comment. On. The. Actual. COMIC.

I have a few suggestions about your panel structure and perhaps pushing the poses/gestures.

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Silo2000
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Response to My Comic Book 2011-04-20 13:57:17

The character on the first page, second panel looks a bit like a lizard...

GameMasterShania
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Response to My Comic Book 2011-04-20 14:56:26

By the character looking like a lizard do you mean the random shopkeeper or Kate?


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GameMasterShania
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Response to My Comic Book 2011-04-20 14:58:58

At 4/20/11 01:52 PM, maficmelody wrote:
At 4/20/11 01:30 PM, GameMasterShania wrote:
At 4/20/11 01:04 PM, big-jonny-13 wrote: Sorry to burst your bubble, but nobody is going to steal your MS Paint comics......
...

Comment. On. The. Actual. COMIC.
I have a few suggestions about your panel structure and perhaps pushing the poses/gestures.

This is what I forgot. I already put together and printed all seven pages of the first chapter.

Also the plot hasn't even started yet.

Page 6

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Vonschlippe
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Response to My Comic Book 2011-04-20 15:25:04

Oh.... yikes...

I guess I don't have much to say on how to improve an awkward lesbian fantasy on MS paint. It's very hard to take this seriously.

Luwano
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Response to My Comic Book 2011-04-20 15:26:08

It's actually hard to review it really honestly without sounding rude. But the drawing is bad, the story is not coming forth even though you skipped some parts, e.g. "after the trip, after school". I mean, what trip are you referring to?

There are some typos that you might want to fix and some of the writing isn't really thought out.
For example: One girl says two things at a stretch "You seem so shy all the time Kate. Why is that? And you didn't have to buy the dress(...)" but then the other girl doesn't react to the first part and only answers about the dress.

If I was a potential reader I would not be interested in reading on.

Really I'm not trying to sound rude, but I don't know how to say this any nicer.


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Vonschlippe
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Response to My Comic Book 2011-04-20 16:34:59

At 4/20/11 04:20 PM, Larkatosa wrote: Just you wait until she starts the steaming hot lesbian action!

Oh yes, this comic appears very promising. I am giddy with excitement.

GameMasterShania
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Response to My Comic Book 2011-04-20 18:22:33

At 4/20/11 03:25 PM, Vonschlippe wrote: Oh.... yikes...

I guess I don't have much to say on how to improve an awkward lesbian fantasy on MS paint. It's very hard to take this seriously.

O.O THE. STORY. HAS NOT. EVEN. BEGUN.
Everyone here thinks it's not a serious comic because it's on Newgrounds.


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GameMasterShania
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Response to My Comic Book 2011-04-20 18:24:55

At 4/20/11 04:20 PM, Larkatosa wrote:
At 4/20/11 03:25 PM, Vonschlippe wrote: I guess I don't have much to say on how to improve an awkward lesbian fantasy on MS paint.
Just you wait until she starts the steaming hot lesbian action!
Badly drawn in MS paint :3

(Facepalm)

They're. TEN. Do you really think I'm going to draw that? Some of you people really misinterpret my ideas because we only have a few pages.


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Matkingos
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Response to My Comic Book 2011-04-20 18:37:21

I drew fanart, of them 8 years older

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Kumakun4
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Response to My Comic Book 2011-04-20 18:38:43

At 4/20/11 06:24 PM, GameMasterShania wrote: They're. TEN. Do you really think I'm going to draw that? Some of you people really misinterpret my ideas because we only have a few pages.

You're actually not really acknowledging ANY of the good advice that's been given and are instead getting upset over the comments that are clearly meant as a joke.

You wanted criticism on the only actual comic and criticism has been given to you. If you're only going to toss it aside by saying this like "THE STORY. HAS NOT. EVEN. BEGUN. YET." Then I suggest yourself the coming headache and stop posting until you have a complete story.

I'm really not quite sure what you expect by posting this otherwise.


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BizarroJoe
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Response to My Comic Book 2011-04-20 18:59:18

At 4/20/11 03:25 PM, Vonschlippe wrote: I guess I don't have much to say on how to improve an awkward lesbian fantasy on MS paint.

DAMN YOU FOREVER. NOW I HAD TO ACTUALLY READ IT. Or more like "trying" to read it, because the panel layouts are so atrocious that the plot is almost unintelligible...
Yet, I found this love story of a 10-year old preteen girl and an adult nun actually quite arousing. Thus, I bring you the last panel of the story in advance.

First time I've used MSPaint(InTheAss). I've learned a lot. Example: Saving as GIF rapes your picture without you can do shit about undoing it. No wonder why this program is so loved by everyone...

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Little-Eise
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Response to My Comic Book 2011-04-20 19:01:53

Frankly, there is a lot wrong with this comic, and almost nothing that's right.

Let's start with the story. I honestly don't believe that these two girls have anything more than a platonic relationship. You give the reader no reason to believe otherwise. Sure, you list some traits that that you say Courtney admires in some other girl, but simple admiration is not the same thing as love or even attraction. It would be the same thing as saying that you admire Hitler's ability as an orator, and then deciding you love the man responsible for millions of deaths.

How old are these girls supposed to be? I assume that they're about twelve or thirteen since a love story between anyone younger just doesn't make sense. (Basic biology and psychology will tell you that before puberty children aren't physically or emotionally capable of anything more than a bond between themselves and their family. This is why young children generally don't have anything more than, at best, platonic relationships.) Given that, if she really is twelve or thirteen, wondering if two girls could be in love makes no sense. By that age, Courtney should at least know what the word lesbian means; if she doesn't, as you seem suggest, she is the world's most sheltered child.

The scene that Girl 1 tells her parents that she's going on a date with the other just bugs me. (As a note: yes, I will stop referring to them by name. Neither really has an actual personality, and after the scene change I really can't tell who is who.) Neither of these two characters seems ballsy enough to introduce their date to their parents the first time they go out, let alone confront their parents about their sexuality. So why did it happen? By the by, in real life the scene you depicted rarely happens, if ever; no one goes up to their parents and introduces their date the first time they go out. I'm also left wondering why you didn't feel the need to actually include the Girl 1's parents. It would have been interesting to see her parents' responses to this and the subsequent conversation.

All in all, the writing is just awkward, and the idea that these two girls are in love is just unbelievable. Maybe if you'd shown us the events leading up to the beginning of the comic it would have seemed more believable, but just saying Courtney admires the other girl and mentioning "that maths quiz where we didn't have calculator" really doesn't concrete the idea that these two are more than casual acquaintances. Oh, if "the plot hasn't started yet" why did you feel the need to make six "pages" of a comic that are irrelevant to the story?

By the way, proofread your dialogue before you put it in the comic.

Now for the art: you should really follow the tips that maficmelody gave you. The way you positioned the panels and their shapes make no sense whatsoever. You should change where you positioned the next balloons, too. Having your text butt up against the edge of the panel, like in "page" 5 and 6, really makes the dialogue hard to read. Also, "page" 6 is just awkward to read. At first glance, you assume you should read the speech bubble on the left first, but you're supposed to read the other. It just makes no sense. You'll notice that I've been putting the word page in scare quotes; that's mostly because, together, all of what you've shown would make maybe one page, front and back, of a published comic.

The characters need help, too. First off, anatomy: learn it. If you say that it's just your "style" shit will really start flying. Anyway, your characters aren't consistent between pages, or even between panels on each page. Take "pages" 3, 4, and 5, for example. On "page" three, the two girls are almost the same height in the first panel, and then they can suddenly look eye to eye in the second panel. Then you move on to "page" 4, and one girl is a whole head taller than the other, rather than the two or three in difference on the previous page. When we finally get to "page" 5, their bodies are the same size, but one girl's head is vastly smaller than the other. Speaking of "page" 5, your character look completely different; so much so, that it's incredibly hard to tell who is who. Neither of the girls' hairstyles are remotely the same, and each seems to have gotten hair extensions between "pages."

Why is this so long, you ask? Because this comic is "serious." LOL

.

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Kashi
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Response to My Comic Book 2011-04-20 19:15:10

At 4/20/11 06:59 PM, BizarroJoe wrote: Yet, I found this love story of a 10-year old preteen girl and an adult nun actually quite arousing.

Ohai, Shadman, I didn't see you there.

Silo2000
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Response to My Comic Book 2011-04-20 19:57:13

At 4/20/11 02:56 PM, GameMasterShania wrote: By the character looking like a lizard do you mean the random shopkeeper or Kate?

The character up front. Kate, it would appear her name is. The shape of her face looks similar to an Argonian from Elder Scrolls. It's... odd.

silversunned
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Response to My Comic Book 2011-04-20 20:05:07

Your art is terrible... I think you REALLY need to practice before you post anything more, all your going to get is hassled for the poor quality of the line-work, the proportions, and the story, so yea... PRACTICE ALOT.

Vonschlippe
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Response to My Comic Book 2011-04-20 20:38:32

At 4/20/11 03:25 PM, Vonschlippe wrote: Oh.... yikes...

I guess I don't have much to say on how to improve an awkward lesbian fantasy on MS paint. It's very hard to take this seriously.

Scratch that, I actually found a way to improve it. I took the freedom to add a panel; I trust this will not break the flow of your serious comic. The purpose was to further add to the already incredible emotionnal depth in both characters. If you wish so, you can outsource the art to me! Just send me a pm with the rest of your 50 page script and I'll take care of the drawings!

PS: It took me 150 hours to write a plugin for photoshop in C++ that was able to graphically interpolate the pixels in order to remove the watermark.

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Jester
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Response to My Comic Book 2011-04-20 22:24:49

I have to say, to be completely honest, this is pretty awful.

You don't want to make a comic in microsoft paint. In fact, I don't want to sound rude, but you shouldn't make a comic at all at your current art skill level. If you're going to continue doing this, at least do it by hand, then ink it and scan it. That way each side of your characters will hopefully be parallel, at least.

Fifty-50
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Response to My Comic Book 2011-04-21 01:31:37

Oh crap is this like the wesmeadow thing? Bookmarked.


Art Thread/NG Art - View it. /I love rainbows do you?/

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Response to My Comic Book 2011-04-21 01:40:03

At 4/21/11 01:31 AM, Fifty-50 wrote: Oh crap is this like the wesmeadow thing? Bookmarked.

ahh, another day in the life of the art forum.


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