Looking for some critical oppinions

[kenji22]

Ok, so i thought id write a story. and i have a feeling it is going to involve space and science and all that fun stuff. maybe an alien species or two depending on whether or not my hard drive decides to explode.

anyway - so I would love opinions on how i wrote/structured/worded/wrote these two paragraphs. anything will help, because then i can use it to better my writing as a whole. (also, a short summary about what you think of the plot, so that i can feel good - or bad - about myself. So without further ado PLEASE destroy my written work :D

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Brian awoke to the sun, shining through the solar paned skylight above his bed. As was tradition, he was in possession of a 20th century car bed - A token of his father's affection. He pushed aside the thick blanket in an attempt to breathe fresh air, and even though he was only 5 he knew that the city's oxygen regulation system kept the air in a closed loop, circulated to keep the fertilizer and other natural toxins from entering the living quarters.

When he was three Brian tested in the top two percent of the Colonial Network. With an IQ of 304, and no malignant DNA, scientists were baffled by how he was able to do what he could. He was considered by many council heads to be the smartest man (boy) alive, and probably the smartest in the history of man. When the Colony and their lapdog scientists insisted on conducting studies on Brian, his father Mark was the only one to stand up for him. He argued that subjecting a boy, who had not fully developed in function or cognitive reasoning, should not be studied, and deserved privacy for being a human being, if not for being so gifted.
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[kenji22]

haha, done.. Ive only got 3 to 4 pages "done" at the moment. i plan to write until... when im tired i guess.

at that point ill probably revise it and continue on.

:P

[kenji22]

I kinda polished the first two paragraphs. this third one still needs work, but ill throw it up so you can read it if you want.
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While Brian was in the Bio room a simple Ai cleaning bot quietly slit into the room from a small storage compartment at the base of the wall next to the bed. With a click the bot began to extend outward and upward forming a complex wire skeleton similar to a human being. As the shape became more fluid, wires guided on tracks shot down the internal skeleton of the suit and automatically connected the cortex to the joints and appendages. Once its form and function was completely initialized the bot, now resembling a maid, began to tidy up the floor around the bed. When it began to fold the blanket on the bed Brian stepped out - water on his face, signaling that he was ready to begin the day. "Good morning Master Brian." The bot said in a metallic feminine tone. "Morning Anne, can I have a diagnostic report?" While Anne finished fixing the bed a whirring sound could be heard in an enclosed partition of her data system. "Log begins 10:43 A.M. May 3rd 2041: Right Arm - elbow joint: functioning 53%. Estimated use remaining: 6 days, 5 hours. Left Leg - knee joint: functioning 17%. Estimated use remaining: 3 hours... ... Shall I initiate reconstruction models within preferred time constraints?" The whirring could still be heard from across the room, where Brian sat staring at his holo board. "Yes, set completion time to 2.5 hours and don't forget to use recycled materials." When Brian said this he had turned towards her. When he was finished he returned to his screen, crunching numbers from a calculation that he had left running the night before. "As you wish, Master Brian" Anne walked over to her calibration table - the one Brian had made to test her advanced functions - and lay down, allowing the fiber optic spike to enter her cortex.
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[BlackAssassiN999]

a good beginning) I hope you'll never get tired
Fantastic is so difficult to compose, so keep up writing your story, you're good at it :)

[SteveDude64]

Nice. Please continue doing what you're doing.

[kenji22]

i think i've got an idea for how the story will go now. at first i was just going to write till i got bored, but i changed it to a short story, which i can then use to make others after it that all connect. i guess in the long run they could be chapters, but im going to focus on one at a time. :D