Story I wrote

[VaginaBoob]

I wrote this story after by boyfriend broke up with me, it's pretty good and I already plan on getting it published but I thought I'd give my favorite website a sneak peak.

Two days had passed since the last rain fall. A beautiful girl was laying in the grass because she was just the cool kind of girl that did cool stuff like that for no particular reason. She wasn't like other girls who were obsessed with school and make up, she was only obsessed with the earth and the beauty of the whole thing.

Many stared at her in the hallways as she floated past her classmates. They made cynical remarks, calling her spacey and a total bitch, never realizing they were just jealous and being completely immature. She forgave them though, because she was mature beyond her years and read the other books that J.D. Salinger wrote besides Catcher in The Rye because she was the only one who knew about them.

But then something happened. The worst thing that could ever happen to a beautiful girl who liked to lay in the grass and run through the fields naked with deer while humming "home" by Edward Sharpe happened. A boy walked into her life. A boy with long brown hair with plaid shirts and skinny jeans. A boy who would make her fall deeply in love.

At first she rejected the boy. He came up and tried to talk to her and she ran away as fast as she could with her faithful rabbit companion, Guadelupe. But she could not strain her thoughts away from the boy and before she knew it she was making out with him in the hallway in front of everyone.

They were in love for what seemed like a thousand years, though in reality it was roughly three weeks and she went on vacation one of those weeks so probably only two real weeks even though they texted a lot during the week she was on vacation.

But there was one problem. The boy was a boy, which means he had a penis, and penises are the most evil organ in the entire human body structure. It was only a matter of time before the boy and his penis turned against her.

Then it happened.

"We have to break up" The girl cried in pain

"Why?" asked the boy curiously but still in an annoying kind of way, because he was an impatient ass who didn't appreciate a good dramatic moment.

"Because you have a penis and you're going to be evil!" cried the girl in tears

"I promise I'll never be evil" The boy said sweetly stroking her hair softly. She thought it was cute at the time but later she realized that it was actually really annoying.

"Promise?"

"Yes, I just said I promised"

"Well I had to make sure a second time"

"Well I promise again"

"Are you sure?"

"What the fuck? Yes I'm sure!"

BUT THEN IT HAPPENED (AGAIN).

The girl was enjoying some coffee which she had made herself because she grew her own coffee beans and actually traveled to farms on the weekends to collect vegan soy milk and the boy approached her. He had a crazy look in his eye and was probably wasted like all boys are most of the time.

"I am a caniving douchebag!" The boy exclaimed!

"Oh no!" The girl was heartbroken.

The boy then slapped her across the face. It was like being shot with a shotgun only worse because of the romantic tension!

"I'll never forgive you!" The girl exclaimed!

"I'm insecure about my inferior genitalia size and I also have been gaining weight and no girl is going to love me after you! Don't leave me!" The boy cried at the top of his lungs.

"I'll never take you back!" The girl said though she secretly wanted him back but she knew it couldn't happen!

The girl ran into the forest and screamed "If I can't be one with another human, let me be one with nature!" Then she stripped all her clothes off and DIED. Her deer friends and Guadelupe the rabbit fed off her corpse which magically generated new food every week so they would be happy forever.

The boy was sad the girl was gone, so he had sex with a whore with long blonde hair and died of herpes the next day.

let me know what you think!

[TyredSoul]

At 3/27/11 07:06 PM, VaginaBoob wrote:

But there was one problem. The boy was a boy, which means he had a penis, and penises are the most evil organ in the entire human body structure. It was only a matter of time before the boy and his penis turned against her.

The above is somehow one of the greatest things I've ever read.

The rest of it. Eh.

[sinfulwolf]

I feel this piece is unnecessarily sexist. You've made a story where the girl is supposed to be this perfect creature, but almost every line is one that makes males seem evil simply because they're males. It's a point slammed into the reader's face again and again, and for such a short piece of writing it becomes overbearing very quickly.

There's also no real characters here. We have the boy and girl. Girl who seems rather close minded and hates everyone but is set up to be perfect, and boy who is evil simply because he's a male. There's no development, things just happen for no reason other than because of gender assignments.

And finally, herpes can't kill you, especially the next day.

[Version2]

At 3/27/11 07:06 PM, VaginaBoob wrote:

:I already plan on getting it published but I thought I'd give my favorite website a sneak peak.

Eek, but then you posted it here. Pretty much what you have done is just self published your story, which can really hurt your chances of another publisher taking this.

If you have a story you feel can be sold/published/whatever then DON'T post it to a public website. Excerpts are usually OK, but once a full story is out on the net, you can't take it back (especially on a site like this where users can't delete their own posts).

I haven't read the story yet, I apologize, I only stopped in quickly while having lunch. I'll try to read it later tonight. But I thought I should say something about publishing real quick. Sorry if this isn't exactly helpful to you.

[TyredSoul]

Let's be honest, no one is going to pick up this story anyway.