Villanelle seeking criticism

[Mountainmax]

I composed this villanelle for a school literary magazine and was wondering what the NG community think of it. Fire away!

The Villanelle:

"A Knock at the Window"
I heard a knock at the window
of my room she came inside drenched
all I am is worthless tallow
she told me taking a pillow
where she grunted and threw her chin
I heard a tap at the window
of my eye I saw her yellow
and red stockings on my blanket
all I am is worthless tallow
she said again hiding below
my covers I told her to get-
I heard a tap at the window
of my eye She looked like a doe
as she rose up to entrench
all I am is worthless tallow
she said before kissing my low
positioned lips that were now drenched
I heard a tap at the window
all I am is worthless tallow

[DeftAndEvil]

Well, a villanelle is a highly structured form in terms of stanzas, so taking the time to properly separate the tercets and end-quatrain is necessary, especially due to the refrains. I didn't remember the exact rhyme scheme of a villanelle, so I had to look it up because the rhyme scheme is notably off. Also, punctuation and capitalization can be in poetry too.

The point of refrains is to drive or reinforce a theme. The heavy use of refrain is inherent to villanelles but here the refrain 1 ("I heard a tap at the window") makes some sense in the first stanza, but it degrades over time and is a poor choice for a refrain which a villanelle requires. I don't really understand what "I heard a tap at the window / of my eye" means... Refrain 2, again was a poor choice. A villanelle is a very restrictive poem which requires much consideration into the insight and selection of word and line position. "All I am is worthless tallow" is a poor choice for a refrain, because if you read it, it makes no sense. The line is awfully esoteric and ineffective as the poem describes an encounter. The language is not only too simple, but makes the encounter feel petty.

Well, a villanelle is a complex but expressive form. However, ( and honestly) it feels as if the only reason you chose to do a villanelle was for the sake of doing a villanelle. I suggest perhaps reading and studying poetry in general before undertaking something so specific. If you choose to edit or revamp this poem, I suggest a better word selection (your rhymes are contrived and feel restricted), better use of the refrains, better rhythm and flow (meter if you can), use of punctuation, implementation of stanzas, and a bit more insight.

[Mountainmax]

At 3/24/11 02:33 AM, DeftAndEvil wrote: Well, a villanelle is a highly structured form in terms of stanzas, so taking the time to properly separate the tercets and end-quatrain is necessary, especially due to the refrains. I didn't remember the exact rhyme scheme of a villanelle, so I had to look it up because the rhyme scheme is notably off. Also, punctuation and capitalization can be in poetry too.

The point of refrains is to drive or reinforce a theme. The heavy use of refrain is inherent to villanelles but here the refrain 1 ("I heard a tap at the window") makes some sense in the first stanza, but it degrades over time and is a poor choice for a refrain which a villanelle requires. I don't really understand what "I heard a tap at the window / of my eye" means... Refrain 2, again was a poor choice. A villanelle is a very restrictive poem which requires much consideration into the insight and selection of word and line position. "All I am is worthless tallow" is a poor choice for a refrain, because if you read it, it makes no sense. The line is awfully esoteric and ineffective as the poem describes an encounter. The language is not only too simple, but makes the encounter feel petty.

Well, a villanelle is a complex but expressive form. However, ( and honestly) it feels as if the only reason you chose to do a villanelle was for the sake of doing a villanelle. I suggest perhaps reading and studying poetry in general before undertaking something so specific. If you choose to edit or revamp this poem, I suggest a better word selection (your rhymes are contrived and feel restricted), better use of the refrains, better rhythm and flow (meter if you can), use of punctuation, implementation of stanzas, and a bit more insight.

Thank you for your honest and well-written criticism. I now see that the "core" of a villanelle is those two lines and in the future i will re-write it. But, I do want to clarify some issues you found with the poem. The first is the punctuation. My intention was to make the villanelle flow in an enjambed matter (which justifies my choice of octometer) and I felt punctuation was counter effective to this intention. The second is the diction. I am submitting this to a high school literary magazine, and considering most people my age don't study up on totalizing words (the kind I favor) I again found it counter-effective. (I've inserted some "unpopular" words because i rather like making readers research). Again, thank you for your criticism. Might I ask you to review further drafts of the poem when I can complete them?