Slowly, a man dressed in nothing but black began walking up a flight of stairs. He was soon facing a man sitting in a throne laced with gold, silver, and precious gems. He had his legs crossed, right over left. He was quietly eating an apple he held in his right hand. His face was hidden behind a mask made from black and white-colored ceramic. When the hooded man approached him, he looked up from his fruit and stared the man in the eye. This man was not here to make conversation. He was here on business.
"...and how did the search go?" the masked man asked, breaking the silence that loomed overhead.
"The old man is being interrogated as we speak," said the hooded man. His voice was low and gruff. His tone seemed to possess a hidden anger.
"And?" The masked man spoke with sudden anticipation.
"He does not possess the book."
The masked man's grip tightened around the apple. His voice became frustrating.
"Then has he told you where it is?"
"Yes," the hooded man replied. The masked man's grip loosened. The hooded man continued.
"He says that it is in a place where no one will ever find it."
The masked man's grip tightened even more around the apple. Juice began seeping through his fingers.
"And this is all he tells you?" he asked with a sudden anger.
"Yes," replied the hooded man.
Just then, the masked man rose from his chair. His gray eyes seemed to glow coldly from behind his mask.
"If that book is somewhere here, I want soldiers on every continent looking for it!" he shouted. "No soldier rests until the Gate Key is in my grasp!"
The apple then crushed in his hand with a dull crunch.
It's hard trying to please people with what you have.
At 3/22/11 06:34 PM, VGamer21 wrote: He had his legs crossed, right over left.
It's kind of unnecessary to tell the reader which leg was up and which was down. Most readers have legs, they can figure out what someone sitting cross legged looks like without all the details.
"...and how did the search go?" the masked man asked, breaking the silence that loomed overhead.
"The old man is being interrogated as we speak," said the hooded man. His voice was low and gruff. His tone seemed to possess a hidden anger.
So the three characters now are old man, masked man, and hooded man. I realize you are trying to be mysterious here, but this is really repetitive. Man, in this short post you use the word man 16 times, man! I'm not saying name them, but maybe instead of "(something) man" it could be noble, or assassin, or whatever is fitting for your story.
"Then has he told you where it is?"
"Yes," the hooded man replied. The masked man's grip loosened. The hooded man continued.
Oh! Good deal, he knows where the book is! Great job! This will be over quickly then!
"He says that it is in a place where no one will ever find it."
Wait... so you don't know? Why the hell did you just tell me you did? Liar!!
There's not really much to say about this. It's a prologue, it's short, and I know nothing about the world these people are in. I understand this book, and the gate key are important, but you're probably going to say a lot more about them in the story proper. Right now, the prologue is just vague and doesn't really tell me anything.
Prologues are tricky. They are often considered to be the "throw away" section of the book because they are either infodumps only there to bring the reader up to speed, or they are like yours and try to create mystery and suspense before the reader has any reason to care about what's happening. I'm not saying that all prologues are bad, there are many books with good ones. I'm just saying it's easy to write a prologue that is completely forgettable and ultimately unnecessary to the story. So make sure you have a prologue for the right reasons, and not just for the sake of having one.
The whole point of the prologue is to not understand it until later in the book.
Also, these guys have names, I just didn't use them because it didn't make sense to.
It's hard trying to please people with what you have.
At 3/23/11 06:20 AM, VGamer21 wrote: The whole point of the prologue is to not understand it until later in the book.
Um... no. That's the point of a bad prologue, like I said. Remember when I said don't have a prologue just for the sake of having a prologue?
All you're doing is trying to be mysterious, and at this point in the story, the reader can care less. The reader doesn't know who these people are, and by the time he gets done with the first paragraph of the book he's going to have forgotten all about the prologue you wrote. There's nothing memorable there, there are no important details that you won't end up explaining later on anyway. I haven't even read the rest of your story, and already I know that your prologue is completely skippable.
Also, these guys have names, I just didn't use them because it didn't make sense
I didn't say use their names, I said you kept saying the word "man" over and over again, and it was repetitive. Learn to friggin' read.
I don't really know what you expected when you posted this on NG, but I'm not going to tell you it's good, when frankly, it's not.
well, I, for one, Look forward to reading the rest of it.
Why is this thing typing what I'm saying?!
At 3/22/11 06:34 PM, VGamer21 wrote:
An alternate review:
Slowly, a man dressed in nothing but black began walking up a flight of stairs. He was soon facing a man sitting in a throne laced with gold, silver, and precious gems. He had his legs crossed, right over left. He was quietly eating an apple he held in his right hand. His face was hidden behind a mask made from black and white-colored ceramic.
As Version2 sorta mentioned, there is too much petty description interlaced with elementary description. Describe what is important and describe it in such a that it is not boring. I say this often: try experimenting with your style and sentence structure, you'd be surprised at the effect it can have; that is, without being contrived, obviously.
When the hooded man approached him, he looked up from his fruit and stared the man in the eye. This man was not here to make conversation. He was here on business.
Show, don't tell. Describe the situation and the two men a bit better. Make it evident that he is here on business through the upcoming dialogue.
"...and how did the search go?" the masked man asked, breaking the silence that loomed overhead.
Silence does not really loom, so this sentence is weak and ineffective. The dialogue does not live up to the expectation that the man is here on business, as he sounds lame and somewhat passive; the ellipsis is unnecessary. "'How did the search go?' the masked man demanded" is a minor tweak, but notice how much stronger the sentence is.
"The old man is being interrogated as we speak," said the hooded man. His voice was low and gruff. His tone seemed to possess a hidden anger.
Again, show don't tell. You actually start off showing, but end up telling. Omitting the last sentence would be better. And again, your sentence and language is too simple and, more concerning, is boring.
"And?" The masked man spoke with sudden anticipation.
You've yet to describe the man as a business man.
"He does not possess the book."
The masked man's grip tightened around the apple. His voice became frustrating.
Yet again, show and then stop telling! We can see that he is frustrated (not frustrating).
"Then has he told you where it is?"
"Yes," the hooded man replied. The masked man's grip loosened. The hooded man continued.
"He says that it is in a place where no one will ever find it."
The masked man's grip tightened even more around the apple. Juice began seeping through his fingers.
"And this is all he tells you?" he asked with a sudden anger.
"Yes," replied the hooded man.
Just then, the masked man rose from his chair. His gray eyes seemed to glow coldly from behind his mask.
"If that book is somewhere here, I want soldiers on every continent looking for it!" he shouted. "No soldier rests until the Gate Key is in my grasp!"
The dialogue is still very weak and underdeveloped although the description and characterization improved, but still needs more work, focus, and refine.
The apple then crushed in his hand with a dull crunch.
Passive voice >.>
While I don't necessarily agree with Version2's idea of a prologue, he is right that you need to include not only detail, but insight and some background. In many cases, the prologue can simply be chapter 1, but in this case, I suggest either dramatically revamping the prologue, or just scrapping it and moving on to the main story.
Despite the name, I'm actually good--Deft, and good!
Giving out reviews to anyone who wants them (exception: poems. I'll find you).
Thanks for all the reviews!
I didn't put a whole lot of thought into making this a super interesting prologue. But, Chapter 1 should be better since it revolves around a single character and the characters have names.
Anyway, I've taken your thoughts into consideration, and I might write a revised prologue.
It's hard trying to please people with what you have.
Chapter 1 is done. I'll post it as soon as I can.
It's hard trying to please people with what you have.
Great story. I want to read more :P
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