Starts of a story

[DPlato]

Chapter 1 and 2 of a story
no title so far, and continuing editing
http://dplato.blogspot.com/
check it out please

[Atlas]

Don't link it just copy it from your blog and paste it here.

[DPlato]

At 3/21/11 08:19 PM, J-Rex wrote: Don't link it just copy it from your blog and paste it here.

too much to type in.

[Atlas]

I said copy and paste not to type it in

[DPlato]

At 3/23/11 10:58 PM, J-Rex wrote: I said copy and paste not to type it in

the story is like 20 pages, its over the character limit. just check it out. i need feedback on it

[Version2]

I read as much of it as I could. The narrator addressing the reader is really annoying, and honestly the narrator is full of himself. There's a lot of grammar errors through out, and the formatting is terrible, especially considering its on your own blog. If it was on NG, I might look past it, but on your own site? There is no excuse to make it into a huge wall of text.

I'm not saying you don't have any talent, don't take it that way. I'm just saying that this isn't a good story in my opinion.

[RIGg0rMORtis]

I read through some of it, and I have to say, I liked it. This may not be what you expect, but I think your narrator is the most interesting character. You describe things and tell the story in such an unusual way that it's hard to let the narrator just drift into the background. He seems like a weird guy, and I want to know more about him. Combined with the wall-o-text chapters, he seems like some shady, coked-out rambler with the jitters who keeps looking over his shoulder as he tells this long, bizarre story.

I have a suggestion: use the story you're telling now about the unlucky-in-love guy as a form of character development for the narrator, who becomes the center for the story, e.g. we pull back our focus and see he's been telling this story at a bar to a group of friends. Something like the scene from Reservoir Dogs where Mr. Orange is telling the story he's memorized. I mean, I feel like I know more about your narrator than your main character: he's got a weird sense of humor, he likes Star Wars, follows the Detroit Lions, and has...interesting opinions on bisexuality. Hell, I named all that stuff off the top of my head, so he must have left an impression.

Anyway, that's my advice. I have a feeling it's not what you had in mind, but it could work.

[DPlato]

No dude. Thats great feedback. I like the idea of a draw back. I'm limited on what I can say and how or who the narrator is telling the story too. But ill try to think of something change to it to fit it in.